Rapid Refresh - Dopey the D**k & A Cosmic Milestone

04/15/15 Views: 196

Ian Edwards, Fahim Anwar and Chris D'Elia learn the truth about Dennis Quaid's on-set outburst and then guess which bizarre item Swedish rocket scientists launched into space. (5:12)

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RIPPED FROM TONIGHT'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, THE BIGGEST STORY ININFOTAINMENT THE LAST COUPLE OF

DAYS WAS THE CRAZY DENNIS QUAIDON-SET FREAKOUT CAPTURED AND

POSTED ON YOUTUBE, ANDEVERYBODY WHO WAS ANYBODY ON

TV WAS TALKIN' 'BOUT IT.

LOOK.

>> DENNIS QUAID MELTING DOWN ONA SET.

IT'S LEAKED AND, KIDS, IT ISEPIC.

>> THE VIDEO IS NOW SPREADINGAROUND THE WORLD AND GENERATING

HEADLINES.

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP )! KEEPGOING.

I CAN'T EVEN GET A LINE OUT.

DOPEY THE DICK STARTS WHISPERINGIN YOUR EAR.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NOW, SOME THOUGHT IT WAS AKIMMEL PRANK BUT WE CONFIRMED

THAT KIMMEL HAD NO PART IN THIS.

IT WAS ALL QUAID -- AND A LITTLESITE WHO MIGHT BE ONE OF OUR

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS CALLED FUNNYOR DIE.

BEHOLD THE PRESTIGE!

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP )!

KEEP GOING!

I AM ACTING HERE IN & THISDICKHEAD WANDERS ON TO MY SET.

I CAN'T GET A LINE OUT AND DOPEYTHE DICK HERE IS WHISPERING IN

YOUR EAR AND YOU'RE NOT EVENWATCHING ANYMORE.

>> DENNIS.

>> DON'T YOU ( BLEEP ) DENNISME.

THIS IS THE MOST UNPROFESSIONALSET I'VE EVER BEEN ON!

THIS IS HORSE(BLEEP)!

( LAUGHTER )

I'VE GOT THESE ZOMBIES OVER HERETHEY HAVE TO LOOK AT.

I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF PUSSIESSTARING AT ME.

AND THE ( BLEEP ) BABY!

>> ( BLEEP ) YOU, QUAID.

>> CHRIS: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I AM VERY HAPPY TO WELCOME THE

STAR OF THE DENNIS QUAIDFREAKOUT, DOPEY THE DICK!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I WASN'T SURE YOU WERE GOING TOBE ABLE TO GET YOUR BALLS UP.

>> YOU GET USED TO IT, THOUGH.

THEY KIND OF --

>> Chris: I GUESS SO.

>> HEY, DICK, HEY, DICK, THANKSFOR COMING.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: NICE.

>> I GET IT, IT'S LIKE A DICKTHING.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH. DOES THATBOTHER YOU AT ALL?

IS THAT RACIST?

>> NO, DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GOOD, GOOD.

YOU'RE A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW, IASSUME.

>> HUGE FAN, HUGE FAN.

I SIT IN THE AUDIENCE, JUST LIKEEVERYBODY ELSE, GET PAID 35

BONES.

>> CHRIS: WHAT?

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW?

>> YEAH, YEAH, I GET PAID TOWATCH AMAZING, TALENTED

COMEDIANS EXECUTE THEIR CRAFTAND CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> I CAN'T-- HONESTLY I CAN'TTHINK OF A BETTER WAY TO MAKE A

LIVING.

>> CHRIS: DON'T YOU MISS BEINGON SETS AND, WORKING IN THE

ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY?

>> CHRIS, PEOPLE LIKE YOU AREEXACTLY WHY I DON'T WORK IN THE

INDUSTRY ANYMORE.

DO YOU REALIZE THERE IS A 43%WAGE GAP BETWEEN GIANT WALKING

DICKS, LIKE ME, IN HOLLYWOOD,AND REGULAR PEOPLE.

>> Chris: THAT IS TERRIBLE.

I'M REALLY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

>> IT IS, CHRIS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

WE ARE FORCED TO WORK FOR 43%MORE THAN REGULAR ASSHOLES LIKE

YOU.

>> Chris: OH, WELL --

I THINK IT'S TIME TO LET DOPEY--LET'S LET THEM SEE THE REAL YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW EVERYONE INHOLLYWOOD YOU CAN WORK AGAIN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SET UP THENEXT "RAPID REFRESH."

>> YEAH, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

>> Chris: OKAY GREAT, THEREYOU GO. GO AHREAD, THERE'S YOUR

CAMERA.

>> SOME ENTERPRISING ROCKETSCIENTIST IN ASKIM, NORWAY

LAUNCHED SOMETHING INTO SPACE.

WHAT WAS IT?

A, A FROZEN HUMAN HEAD?

B, A DONUT WITH SPRINKLES?

OR C, A REAL DOLL DRESSED LIKEWONDER WOMAN?

YOU THINK I CAN'T FEEL THAT.

I CAN ABSOLUTELY FEEL THAT.

>> Chris: I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!

>> A FROZEN HUMAN HEAD -- RIGHT?BECAUSE THAT'S SO (BLEEP)ING

TERRIBLE.

>> Chris: WELL, AMERICA, NORWAYBEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH ASK THEY

DID IN FACT SEND THE FIRST DONUTINTO SPACE.

OH!

>> NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY.

>> Chri: YEAH.

OH!

SHARKS!

( LAUGHTER )

THE DONUT MAKE MEAD IT BACKSAFELY TO EARTH, OR DID IT?

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT ORIGINSTORY.

COMEDIANS WHAT, STRANGE NEWPOWERS DOES THIS DONUT HAVE--

>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOINGTO HAPPEN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

REALLY, THEY MIGHT-- THEY MIGHTSTOP THE SHOW FROM EXISTING EVER

AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: I WAS SINGLE FOR ALONG TIME.

I HAVE SOME IDEA WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IF I CONTINUE TO DO THAT.

WHAT STRANGE NEW POWERS DID THISDONUT HAVE WHEN HE CAME BACK

FROM SPACE?

IAN?

>> THE SUPER POWER WOULD BE IF ACOP TAKES A BITE, IT WOULD TAKE

AWAY HIS DESIRE TO KILL BLACKMEN.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> IT HAS THE POWER TO MAKEEVERY DAY A CHEAT DAY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT!

DOPEY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOTPLAYING THE GAME.

>> WHY, WHY, WHY, CHRIS?

BECAUSE I'M A GIANT PENIS?

>> CHRIS: NO, BECAUSE WE DON'THAVE A LECTERN FOR YOU.

>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT A PODIUM NOW, MOTHER(BLEEP)!

>> CHRIS: OKAY, YOU WHAT. IT ISBECAUSE YOU'RE A GIANT PENIS.

YOU'RE A GIANT, SENTIENT, WEIRDAPPL-EATING PENIS, AND IT

MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> WHOA!

THAT IS (BLEEP) DISCRIMINATION.

OKAY, I'LL LEAVE, CHRIS.

BUT I'M LEAVING ON MY OWN ACCORDBECAUSE ARE YOU BEING A BIT OF A

DICK RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, FINE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THE END OF RAPIDREFRESH AND DOPEY THE DICK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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