Uncensored - Norm Macdonald - Comparing Diseases

Season 1 , Ep 101 03/26/11 Views: 25,281

Norm Macdonald acknowledges that the symptoms of some diseases are more desirable than others. (2:07)

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HEY, I DID WANTTO SAY ONE THING

ABOUT MY BUDDY RICHIE,WHO HAS A DISEASE.

AND, UH, BUT IT'S--

IT'S AN INTERESTING DISEASEHE HAS.

HE HAS THE DISEASEOF ALCOHOLISM.

ALCOHOLISM.

AND, UH, HE CAME TO ME,YOU KNOW,

AND HE TOLD ME, AND, UH,I LIKE TO LOOK--

I'M THE KIND OF GUYTHAT LIKES TO LOOK

AT THE BRIGHT SIDEOF THINGS, YOU KNOW?

SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,"RICHIE, IT'S TRUE

"THAT YOU HAVE A DISEASEAND EVERYTHING.

BUT...I THINK YOU GOTTHE BEST ONE."

[laughterand scattered applause]

IT'S THE ONLY DISEASEWHERE YOU

GET TO DRINK BOOZEALL THE TIME.

I--I HAVEN'T LOOKEDAT EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL,

BUT I BELIEVE...

IT'S THE ONLY DISEASE WHEREYOU CAN CONSTANTLY DRINK BOOZE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,THAT IS THE DISEASE.

YOU KNOW, AND I DON'TTHINK RICHIE

WOULD THINK IF HE HAD A--

LIKE, I DON'T THINK RICHIEWOULD GO TO MY UNCLE BERT

AND GO, "HEY, I UNDERSTANDYOU GOT BOWEL CANCER.

"YEAH, MAN,I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

"I GOTTA...DRINK A LOT OF BOOZE.

"THOSE DISEASES...

"THEY'RE TOUGH, THOSE DISEASES,HUH, UNCLE BERT?

HEY, WHAT'S YOUR SYMPTOMS,UNCLE BERT?"

"WELL, MY BOWEL, I GOT BLOODPOURING OUT OF IT ALL THE TIME.

"I GOT BOWEL BLOOD POURIN' OUT,GUSHIN' OUT OF MY BOWEL,

"ALMOST NONSTOP.

"AND, UH, I GOT SEARING,CLAWING PAINS,

"RIPPING, TEARING, YOU KNOW.

"UH...MIND-SCREECHING...BOWEL PAINS.

"AND, UH, THEY'RE COMBINEDWITH ACHING, DULL,

SOUL-DEADENING BOWEL PAIN."

"THOSE ARE BASICALLY MYSYMPTOMS; HOW ABOUT YOU?"

"I GET HAPPY."

"AND, UH, YOU KNOW.

"I TEND TO BE ABLE TO TALKTO PEOPLE EASIER, I FIND."

"SOMETIMES, I WILLMEET A LADY AT A BAR,

"GOT THE SAME DISEASEAS I DO.

"AND I'LL FUCK HER.

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