and this is what I've learned.
If you look at anyone long enough,
they'll eventually spit.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, isn't that Mother Teresa?
I'm so sick of these men whojust talk about themselves.
I'm looking fora well-hung mime.
Anyway, um-- I've gotto find him first.
Now, all my friends are married.
They make me sick.
They call me all the time.
They're like, "Hi,it's Lynn and Charlie.
Yeah, we've officiallychanged our name to one.
Hey, how's the dating scene?
Oh, hold on just one second.
Charlie just brought meflowers for no reason at all.
Put them with the others.
Hey, did I tell youwe're buying a house?"
No, did I tell youMasterCard is suing me?
Some of my friends havestarted to have babies.
My best friend had a baby.
She gained 80 pounds.
She was in total denial.
Right before shehad the baby, she's
like-- do you thinkthere's any chance
that the baby couldway up to 80 pounds?
I'm like, I'm your best friend.
I'm going to go with 40, tops.
But, um-- I started to see atherapist because my family
says I'm in denial,which is a total lie.
I'm even in denial about thefact that I'm in therapy.
I've just convinced myself thatit's a friend that I see once
a week, and then I lend her $90.
And she never pays me back.
Therapy is amazing.
You sit there and you talk aboutyourself for an hour straight.
And the other person listensto everything that you say.
It's like I'm the guy on a date.
I think everyone should bein therapy, though, because I
think everyone haslow self-esteem.
Because you can nevergive anyone a compliment.
Because if you ever giveanyone a compliment,
they either totally dismissit, or they confess something
really horrible aboutthemselves that you
would otherwise never know.
Oh, you have a beautiful smile.
My back tooth iscompletely black.
Well, you look great today.
I once killed a man.
Well, you have a perfect penis.
It's not mine.
Anyone being sued by amajor credit card company,
or am I projecting?
It's gotten to the point nowthat I have to answer the phone
in foreign accents,you know what I mean?
She not here right how.
Maybe you call back in a year.
It was humiliating.
I tried to use my creditcard the other day.
I say I tried.
I went to one ofthese boutiques where
they have nothing butlike skin tight clothes.
Anyway, so I go in and therewas this evil salesgirl.
The kind who she'sobviously had her neck
broken and never got it fixed.
She's like-- Can Iget you something?
I'm like, Dramamine?
And, uh-- Anyway, I didn't wantto buy the dress, but you know.
I was in the dressing roomand I was trying it on,
and the girl nextto me was trying
the same dress in a size two.
And then she cameout, she's like--
"Do you have this in a zero?"
And in the meantime, I'm beingforced to buy the dress I'm
wearing because I couldn'tget the zipper undone.
Like now, I'm justgoing to wear it out.
So I tried to pay for the dress.
I gave her my, you know,American Express card.
It was like giving her ascratch-and-win lottery ticket.
She went like this.
She goes-- they want me to call.
I said, well call.
So she calls and shegoes-- oh, uh-huh.
They want to talk to you.
Well, tell them I'm not here.