Kristen Schaal - Pleasing a Man

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 101 04/01/2013 Views: 46,380

The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, but Kristen Schaal has found a convenient detour. (2:22)

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My mom told methat the secret

to pleasing a manis through his stomach.

But I have founda convenient detour

through the penis.

What I do--

My--my technique,

which I'm gonna sharewith the world tonight,

just to heal it,once and for all,

is I'll take the man,

and I'll lay him down,just like...

Just like that.

And then I'll just dive in,

and I'll go aroundhis penis like this...

Just like that.See what I'm doing?

With my tongue.Like this. See that?

And he's like,"Hey, what are you doing?

"I don't...

"Um...

"Are you g--are you gonna touch it?

Are you ever gonnatouch it, or..."

and I'm like, "No. Mm-mm.

No." Right?

Just like this, for hours.

Like a snake. And he's--

He's not gonna move,just in case something happens.

You know, like this.

Oh...

Oh, I touched it.

Oh. It tastes like fear.

[sighs]

But I have been tryingto learn how to cook,

and I've beenvery adventurous in the kitchen.

In fact, the other night,

there was thishuge explosion,

'cause I tried to combinepasta with antipasta.

No bueno.

Mm.

If I were to bea food critic,

I already know what my firstnegative review would be.

It would say, "The gorgonzolaburger at Cafe Louis."

Kristen Schaal says,

"I couldn't poop it outfast enough."

Pssh.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, that's univer--that does deserve an applause.

You're right.You're right!

[cheers and applause]Thank you, thank you.