Uncensored - Whitney Cummings - Obsessed with "Twilight"

Whitney Cummings: Money Shot Season 1, Ep 0101 08/22/2010 Views: 69,802

The problem with vampires is that they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. (2:08)

I THINK ALL OF THAT STUFF--BABIES AND MARRIAGE--I THINK

ALL THAT'S ABOUT ROMANCE,AND I THINK WOMEN, WE ARE

OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE, RIGHT?

AND I THINK WE GET BRAINWASHEDFROM ROMANTIC MOVIES.

I THINK THAT'S WHEREIT COMES FROM.

LIKE, I RECENTLY SAWTHESE MOVIES CALLED TWILIGHT.

THEY ARE SO ROMANTIC.

THIS VAMPIRE'S MADLY IN LOVEWITH THIS GIRL, AND THEY'RE

SO OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER.

THEY BRAINWASH YOU.

I WENT IN TO THIS MOVIE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, SOME MOVIEABOUT HIGH SCHOOLERS."

I CAME OUT OF THERE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,I HAVE TO MARRY A VAMPIRE.

OH, MY GOD."

IT MAKES YOU OBSESSED.

GUYS, DON'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIENDSEE THIS MOVIE.

SHE WILL LEAVE YOUR ASS, OKAY?

AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE,I WOULDN'T TALK TO THE GUY

I WAS DATING FOR, LIKE,FIVE DAYS.

FINALLY, HE WAS LIKE,"BABE, WHAT'S WRONG?"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

I KIND OF NEED TO DATE SOMEONEWHO CAN FLY!"

BUT THIS MOVIE, I THINKIT PROVES THAT WOMEN HAVE, LIKE,

A BAD BOY COMPLEX,'CAUSE THE VAMPIRE SAYS

TO THE GIRL, IN THE BEGINNINGOF THE MOVIE, HE'S LIKE,

"I WANT TO KILL YOU.

I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD."

SHE'S LIKE, "IT'S OKAY.

I TRUST YOU."

AND THEN HE ADMITSTHAT HE'S KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE,

AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT,WHICH ACTUALLY--I'M SUCH

A JEALOUS GIRLFRIENDTHAT IF MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND

TOLD ME HE HAD KILLED PEOPLE,I'D BE LIKE, "WHO WAS SHE?

IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME?

IS THAT IT?"YEAH.

I JUST WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE.

I JUST THINK THAT WOULD BESO BAD-ASS.

LIKE, IF YOU WERE DATINGA VAMPIRE, YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE

THE UPPER HAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, YOU'D BE DRIVING ALONGWITH YOUR VAMPIRE,

AND HE'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW,I'M THINKING ABOUT SEEING

OTHER PEOPLE."

YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, REALLY?

'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUTPUTTING THE SUN ROOF DOWN.

BITCH.

DON'T MAKE ME GO TO GNCAND GET SOME GARLIQUE."

BUT THE PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRESIS, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 20,

BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY, LIKE,100 YEARS OLD.

SO YOU'D BE DATINGTHIS HOT YOUNG GUY

WHO, LIKE, GREW UPIN THE GREAT DEPRESSION

AND, LIKE, HATES IRISH PEOPLE.

AND THEN, LIKE, YOU TAKE HIMOUT TO A NIGHTCLUB,

AND HE'D BE, LIKE,DOING THE CHARLESTON.

OR, LIKE, YOU THINK HE'SCHEATING ON YOU, SO YOU GO

THROUGH HIS JOURNAL.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE HELLIS THIS SLUT, HUH?

HARRIET TUBMAN?

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?"YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH UP

ON YOUR BLACK HISTORY.

JUST--JUST THAT AREA.