Wanda Sykes - Being Tested

Wanda Sykes: Tongue Untied Season 1, Ep 101 01/09/2003 Views: 15,943

Wanda Sykes explains the correlation between dirty dishes and withholding sex. (4:45)

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THE TIME.

TALK ALL THE TIME.

BUT IT'S SO HARD FOR US TO

ARTICULATE EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT,

WHAT WE NEED, WHAT HOW WE FEEL.

YOU KNOW, HARD FOR US TO BE

DIRECT.

BECAUSE IF WE DO, WE RUN THE

RISK OF BEING CALLED A BITCH.

RIGHT?

SO, WE GOTTA BE A LITTLE TRICKY.

GOTTA BE A LITTLE SLICK?

INSTEAD OF COMING OUT AND JUST

TELLIN' YOU SOMETHING OR ASKIN'

YOU SOMETHING, WE'D RATHER GIVE

YOU A TEST.

OH, WE SOME TESTIN' PEOPLE,

AREN'T WE?

BOY, SAT'S, THEY AIN'T GOT

NOTHING ON US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, WOMEN WILL GIVE YOU A TEST,

BOY.

AND, FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW THAT WE

FAIL YOU AT TESTS THAT YOU DON'T

EVEN KNOW YOU'RE TAKIN'?

FAILIN' MISERABLY.

GETTIN' A BIG F, AND YOU DON'T

EVEN KNOW THE TEST IS IN

PROGRESS.

HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?

EVERYDAY SIMPLE STUFF, TOO.

OKAY, HERE'S THE SITUATION.

GUYS.

SAY YOU GET HOME FIRST, RIGHT,

THERE'S A FEW DISHES IN THE

SINK.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WASHIN'

THE DISHES.

YOU CHILL READING THE PAPER,

WHATEVER.

SHE COMES HOME SEES THE DISHES,

SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T

GONNA SAY ANYTHING.

BUT IT GETS DOWNLOADED.

SHE GONNA CREATE A LITTLE

FOLDER.

GONNA BE A LITTLE ICON WITH YOUR

FACE ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT'S GONNA SAY, "DISHES."

AND SHE-- (BOOP)-- RIGHT UP

THERE.

THREE MORE DAYS, AND THAT SAME

MESS GOES ON.

SHE COMES HOME, SEES YOU

CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T GONNA SAY

ANYTHING.

THAT FOURTH DAY, SHE COMES HOME,

SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE GONNA

DOUBLE-CLICK RIGHT ON YOUR FACE.

CLICK-CLICK.

(LAUGHTER)

OPEN UP THE FOLDER.

LET ME THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS MAN

IS TRYING TO TELL ME.

WHAT IS THIS MAN TELLIN' ME?

WHAT IS HE SAYIN'?

IS HE TRYIN' TO TELL ME THAT I'M

THE LITTLE DISHWASHER AROUND

HERE?

HUH?

IS HE TELLIN' ME THAT WASHIN'

DISHES; THAT'S BENEATH HIM?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WORK HARD EVERY DAY, TOO.

MAYBE I'D LIKE TO COME HOME TO A

CLEAN SINK, AND GO AHEAD AND

START ME EV-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS NOT PUT ON THIS EARTH TO

WASH HIS DIRTY DISHES.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M NOT GONNA WASH ANOTHER

DAMN DISH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I'M GONNA SEE HOW LONG HE'S

GONNA LET THESE DISHES PILE UP

BEFORE HE'LL WASH 'EM.

THREE WEEKS GOES BY.

NOW, SHE'S SO PISSED SHE CAN'T

EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

BECAUSE Y'ALL WALKING AROUND

THE HOUSE EATING OFF OF NAPKINS

WITH TOOTHPICKS.

(LAUGHTER)

AIN'T A DAMN THING CLEAN IN THE

HOUSE.

AND, FELLAS, YOU DON'T CARE,

BECAUSE YOU LIKE, SHOOT, THIS IS

HOW I LIVED BEFORE I MET YOUR

ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

OH, BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE,

DOES IT?

OH, NO.

UH-UH.

YOU JUST AT THE GATES OF HELL

RIGHT NOW, FELLAS.

YOU AIN'T IN THE FIRE YET.

NO.

BECAUSE WITH WOMEN, SOMETHING

THAT WE'RE PISSED ABOUT IN THE

KITCHEN, IT'S GONNA WALK IT'S

WAY RIGHT DOWN THE HALLWAY,

INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

AND GUYS, YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

SO, YOU GET IN THE BED, TRYING

TO BE ALL INTIMATE TRYING TO GET

A LITTLE SOMETHING GOING,

YOU KNOW.

DOING YOUR LITTLE POKIN' THING

THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU IN THERE BEHAVIN' LIKE AN

'A' STUDENT.

DON'T KNOW YOU GOT A BIG-ASS F.

YOU IN THERE POKIN' AND SHE JUST

SNAPS ON YOUR ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

AND NOW, YOU IN THE BED FELLAS

WITH CRACKED RIBS.

SHE DONE KNOCKED YOUR TOOTH

LOOSE.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

IS YOUR PROBLEM?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

"WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?

YOU'RE JUST ALL MR. ENERGY

TONIGHT, HUH?

OH, YOU'RE JUST BUBBLING WITH

ENERGY.

YOU'RE IN HERE RUBBING ON ME,

AND TOUCHING MY ASS.

BUT YOU CAN'T WASH A

(BLEEP)-DAMN GLASS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHY DON'T I GO SIT IN THE DISH

RACK, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ME THEN,

HUH?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GET OFF OF ME!