Auggie Smith - No Smoking

Season 1, Ep 0101 08/31/2006 Views: 6,599

It is wrong to ban smoking in bars. (2:33)

before I destroy you.

Thank you very much.That's very sweet.

Beautiful, New York.I love New York.

New York-- of course, one ofthe many cities in America now

where they have the crazysmoking ordinances,

and I understand.

Look, I understandyou can't smoke cigarettes

in a hospital room,

I understand that it's badfor you, blahty, blahty, blah.

But, America, we're beginningto make it illegal in bars.

I mean, who is concernedabout their health in a bar?

Exactly what's the complainton this one?

"Excuse me.

"Mr. Bartender, man,

"I am trying to get drunk

"so I can drive home

"and have unprotected sex

"with some skankI just met tonight.

"This guy's blowing smokein my face.

Some more deep-fried cheese,when you get a chance."

Can't we...

Can't we as a countryhave one place

where they don't tell uswhat to do?

As adults in America,the land of the free,

the government tells uswhat to do 24 hours a day.

I say that, as adults,we have earned one sanctuary

from their laws, one Thunderdomewhere you can go

where there are no rules,

and that placeshould be the bar.

And you know what?

If you don't likeliving under no rules,

here's a crazy idea:Don't go to the bar!

You see, the waymy theory works,

the way my theory works is this.

Personally, I don't likeBed Bath & Beyond.

I don't like what goes onat Bed Bath & Beyond.

So you know what I do about it?

That's right, I don't go there.

You know what I don'tdo about it?

I don't picketBed Bath & Beyond.

I don't putBed Bath & Beyond

in an axis of evil

with Linens 'n Thingsand the Baby Gap.

I just don't goto Bed Bath & Beyond.

If you don't like the smokein the smoky bar,

don't go to the smoky bar.

Personally, I don't likeloud, screaming children.

But I don't walk intoChuck E. Cheese and say,

"Will you kidsshut the hell up?!

"Good God!

"I am trying to watcha ceramic bear play the banjo

"and sing John Denver tuneswhile an animatronic muskrat

"blows into a jug and I whack amole in the head with a mallet.

And you're screwing upmy bachelor party!"

Look, don't worry, America,