OF A VERY UGLY, ANGRY CRACK
WHORE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T WANT
TO BUST UP LAUGHING--
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE REASON
SHE SNAPS AND BITES DOWN.
SO, I'M TRYING TO BE COOL.
I KNOW I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE
WITH MY LIFE AND AT THAT POINT,
I FELT HER SCREWING AROUND
IN MY BACK POCKET.
AND ALL I SAID WAS, HEY,
WHATTAYA DOIN'?
SHE GOES, "I DINT TOUCH
YO' WALLET!
WHY YOU ACCUSE ME A TAKIN'
YO' WALLET?"
SHE HANDS ME MY WALLET BACK,
IT'S ON THE FLOOR AT THIS POINT,
SHE HANDS IT BACK TO ME AND
THERE WAS A $50 BILL,
THAT'S ALL THAT WAS IN THE
WALLET, AND IT WAS GONE.
SO I GO, WHERE'S MY MONEY?
SHE SAID, I AIN'T GOT YO' MONEY.
AND I'M TRYING TO BE A TOUGH
GUY, YOU GIVE ME MY $50
RIGHT NOW OR...
SHE GRABS ME BY THE HAIR
AND SLAMS ME INTO MATT SO HARD
THAT MATT GOES RIGHT OUT OF
THE DRIVER'S SIDE OF THE JEEP.
I PICKED UP ON THE ROLL BAR
AND I KICKED HER IN THE HEAD
AS HARD AS I COULD.
AND SHE JUST GOT PISSED.
(LAUGHTER)
AND AT THAT POINT,
ANY "ILLUSION" THAT THIS
IS REALLY A CHICK
HAVE GONE RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW,
THAT DREAM WAS OVER.
YOU CAN SOBER UP AND LOSE YOUR
BONERS NOW.
SO, I JUMP OUT ON THE DRIVER'S
SIDE AND SHE GETS OUT
ON THE PASSENGER SIDE,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA THAT HAD
THE BALLS TO EVEN TRY THIS.
BUT I STILL HAD MY WALLET
IN MY HAND AND IT WAS DARK
ENOUGH OUTSIDE, THAT I COME UP
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE JEEP
AND I GO, "GIVE ME ALL YOUR
MONEY OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN'
HEAD OFF!"
AND SHE BELIEVED ME!
WHICH SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME
EVEN MORE 'CAUSE SHE STILL
WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.
AND SHE THINKS I HAVE A GUN
TO HER HEAD--
I AIN'T GOT YOUR MONEY...
I CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER!
I CAN'T EVEN SQUEEZE OFF
A WARNING SHOT, RIGHT?
SO, I'M HOPING MATT WILL
JUMP IN, A LITTLE
"GOOD COP/BAD COP" OVER HERE
"BUDDIES".
DON'T MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN--
HE IS CRAZY!
HE KILLS ALL THE HOOKERS!
GIVE HIM THE 50-- SOMETHIN'!
MATT'S RUNNIN' AROUND ALL PUNCH
DRUNK AND RETARDED, LIKE HE
JUST FOUND OUT HE' ADOPTED.
I'M LIKE, GET IN THE CAR
AND DRIVE-- GO!
FINALLY, I GET HIM IN THE CAR
AND WE HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE AND
AT FIRST WE'RE WICKED PISSED,
BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN COMPLETELY
STRIPPED OF ALL OUR PRIDE...
SHOULD WE GO BACK AND RUN HER
OVER WITH THE CAR,
I DON'T KNOW?!
WE COULD HIT HER IN THE HEAD
WITH A TIRE JACK...
FINALLY WE CUT OUR LOSSES
AND WE DROVE HOME AND IT WAS
PROBABLY THE MOST SILENT
DRIVE HOME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WE GET ABOUT A MILE FROM
THE HOUSE AND FINALLY,
MATT LOOKS OVER AT ME AND GOES,
"AH-HA!
YOU GOT YOUR (BLEEP) SUCKED
BY A GUY-EYE!"
(APPLAUSE)
I WENT, SCREW YOU, MAN!
SCREW YOU!
YOU WAITED IN LINE TO GET
A HUMMER FROM A GUY--
HOW 'BOUT THAT?!
AND WHERE'S MY 7.50?
GOOD NIGHT!