Doug Stanhope - Transvestite Prostitute Pt. 2

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 4,793

Doug Stanhope concludes his transvestite prostitute escapade. (2:43)

OF A VERY UGLY, ANGRY CRACK

WHORE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T WANT

TO BUST UP LAUGHING--

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE REASON

SHE SNAPS AND BITES DOWN.

SO, I'M TRYING TO BE COOL.

I KNOW I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE

WITH MY LIFE AND AT THAT POINT,

I FELT HER SCREWING AROUND

IN MY BACK POCKET.

AND ALL I SAID WAS, HEY,

WHATTAYA DOIN'?

SHE GOES, "I DINT TOUCH

YO' WALLET!

WHY YOU ACCUSE ME A TAKIN'

YO' WALLET?"

SHE HANDS ME MY WALLET BACK,

IT'S ON THE FLOOR AT THIS POINT,

SHE HANDS IT BACK TO ME AND

THERE WAS A $50 BILL,

THAT'S ALL THAT WAS IN THE

WALLET, AND IT WAS GONE.

SO I GO, WHERE'S MY MONEY?

SHE SAID, I AIN'T GOT YO' MONEY.

AND I'M TRYING TO BE A TOUGH

GUY, YOU GIVE ME MY $50

RIGHT NOW OR...

SHE GRABS ME BY THE HAIR

AND SLAMS ME INTO MATT SO HARD

THAT MATT GOES RIGHT OUT OF

THE DRIVER'S SIDE OF THE JEEP.

I PICKED UP ON THE ROLL BAR

AND I KICKED HER IN THE HEAD

AS HARD AS I COULD.

AND SHE JUST GOT PISSED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AT THAT POINT,

ANY "ILLUSION" THAT THIS

IS REALLY A CHICK

HAVE GONE RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW,

THAT DREAM WAS OVER.

YOU CAN SOBER UP AND LOSE YOUR

BONERS NOW.

SO, I JUMP OUT ON THE DRIVER'S

SIDE AND SHE GETS OUT

ON THE PASSENGER SIDE,

AND I HAVE NO IDEA THAT HAD

THE BALLS TO EVEN TRY THIS.

BUT I STILL HAD MY WALLET

IN MY HAND AND IT WAS DARK

ENOUGH OUTSIDE, THAT I COME UP

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE JEEP

AND I GO, "GIVE ME ALL YOUR

MONEY OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN'

HEAD OFF!"

AND SHE BELIEVED ME!

WHICH SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME

EVEN MORE 'CAUSE SHE STILL

WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.

AND SHE THINKS I HAVE A GUN

TO HER HEAD--

I AIN'T GOT YOUR MONEY...

I CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER!

I CAN'T EVEN SQUEEZE OFF

A WARNING SHOT, RIGHT?

SO, I'M HOPING MATT WILL

JUMP IN, A LITTLE

"GOOD COP/BAD COP" OVER HERE

"BUDDIES".

DON'T MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN--

HE IS CRAZY!

HE KILLS ALL THE HOOKERS!

GIVE HIM THE 50-- SOMETHIN'!

MATT'S RUNNIN' AROUND ALL PUNCH

DRUNK AND RETARDED, LIKE HE

JUST FOUND OUT HE' ADOPTED.

I'M LIKE, GET IN THE CAR

AND DRIVE-- GO!

FINALLY, I GET HIM IN THE CAR

AND WE HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE AND

AT FIRST WE'RE WICKED PISSED,

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN COMPLETELY

STRIPPED OF ALL OUR PRIDE...

SHOULD WE GO BACK AND RUN HER

OVER WITH THE CAR,

I DON'T KNOW?!

WE COULD HIT HER IN THE HEAD

WITH A TIRE JACK...

FINALLY WE CUT OUR LOSSES

AND WE DROVE HOME AND IT WAS

PROBABLY THE MOST SILENT

DRIVE HOME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WE GET ABOUT A MILE FROM

THE HOUSE AND FINALLY,

MATT LOOKS OVER AT ME AND GOES,

"AH-HA!

YOU GOT YOUR (BLEEP) SUCKED

BY A GUY-EYE!"

(APPLAUSE)

I WENT, SCREW YOU, MAN!

SCREW YOU!

YOU WAITED IN LINE TO GET

A HUMMER FROM A GUY--

HOW 'BOUT THAT?!

AND WHERE'S MY 7.50?

GOOD NIGHT!

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