about Hitler--Jewish people, we are obsessed.
We're repulsed by Hitler,but we're obsessed with him.
If you ever wantto rob a Jewish person's house,
all you have to do is call themup and tell them
there's a Hitler film festivaldown at the multiplex.
Watch 'em... watch 'em file out!
The other night on TV,I watched a show,
it was called Hitler in Color. That's all it needed.
Two hours. I'm therefor the entire two hours.
Hitler in Color.
I've seen himin black and white.
I've never seen him in color.
It was a great movie,made in Germany,
about the final days of Hitler.
It was called Downfall.
You could never makethat movie in Hollywood.
You couldn't pitch it.You'd, like, go in the studio,
"I got a great ideaabout a movie.
It's about the last daysof Hitler, and..."
"What happens in the end?"
"Well, he kills himself."
"Ooh! That's a downer.Does he...?
That's a little bit of a...It brings me down there."
I said, "Well, it's Hitler."
"Hey, I'm not makinga value judgment.
"I'm just saying, that's adepressing end to that movie.
"Does he have to die at the end?Can we leave it open?
"Maybe we don't knowwhat happens, and then
"we do a sequelwhere he's in Argentina
"running a Jamba Juice stand.
Can we try that?"
I wish I had...
So, about Hitler, I wishI had written the script,
which I don't think they wouldhave come to me to write it,
'cause I don't think it neededto be punched up, but...
(solitary laugh)Thank you.
Even if just two people laughat that line, I'm happy.
But if I had written it,
I would have included one linejust for my own amusement.
I would have had someone walkinto a scene and say,
"I just got backfrom Hitler's bunker.
"I think he's startingto lose it.
"I just came backfrom Hitler's bunker.
Has he been acting strange?"
You know what's ironic is thatI am against the death penalty,
and yet my porno nameis Lethal Injection.
Isn't that weird?
I love old-time comics,and show business stories,
even if they're not true.
Like, Jerry Lewis, supposedly,when he was backstage,
before he would come outand do a show,
he would walk backstage,and he would wear,
like, a tuxedo shirt,with a tuxedo jacket,
but no pants.
'Cause he wanted to make surehe put his pants on
right before he came out,so everything looked good,
there was no, you know, creasein the pants. That's great.
Meanwhile, he didn't changehis act for 75 years!
That didn't bother him.
"What do you got tonight, Jerry?You got something new?"
"Yeah. I'm going to shovea pickle up my nose."