Gabriel Iglesias - Shrek

  • Season 7 , Ep 1
  • 02/06/2003
  • Views: 165,103

When Gabriel Iglesias wears all green, he looks like Shrek. (3:47)

GABRIEL IGLESIAS: YEAH, MAN,

I'M DOING REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS.

I DIDN'T START OFF THE YEAR

THAT WAY.

OH, MY GOD, I STARTED IT OFF

IN THE HOSPITAL.

I NEED TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT

HAPPENED.

I WAS AT THE HOUSE AND I WAS

EATING A COOKIE.

(GIGGLES)

AND IT WAS GOOD.

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I GOT

A PAIN IN MY SIDE.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE PAINS THAT

NOT EVEN A GOOD FART CAN GET RID

OF.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

OH, SURE ENOUGH, I WOUND UP IN

THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND IT WAS

THE SCARIEST FEELING IN MY WHOLE

LIFE.

BECAUSE THE FIRST THING THEY DID

TO ME WAS THEY STRIPPED ME

OF ALL MY CLOTHES.

AND NOT IN A SEXY WAY, EITHER.

THEY TAKE ALL MY CLOTHES

AND THEY REPLACE 'EM WITH THIS

NASTY, GREEN HOSPITAL GOWN.

YOU KNOW THE KIND WHERE THEY

TIE IT IN THE BACK, AND YOU'RE

BUTT IS SHOWING, RIGHT?

LITTLE KIDS WALKING BY.

(KIDS VOICE) "DAMN."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU SHUT UP."

SO, I SEE MY REFLECTION

IN THE MIRROR, AND I REALIZE

AT THAT MOMENT, WITH ALL THAT

GREEN ON, THAT I DO NOT LOOK

LIKE A COMEDIAN.

OH, NO.

WITH ALL THAT GREEN ON, I LOOK

LIKE (BLEEP) SHREK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND IT WASN'T ME WHO GAVE ME

THE NICKNAME, EITHER.

IT WAS THE NURSES.

I COULD HEAR 'EM, TOO.

(FEMALE VOICE) "MARTA, LOOK AT

THAT CHUBBY BOY.

HE LOOKS LIKE SHREK, HUH?

ALL HE NEEDS ARE THE ANTENNAS

AND THE DONKEY.

THAT'S IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, THEN THEY WHEEL ME INTO MY

OWN ROOM, RIGHT, AND I'M LAYING

THERE IN BED.

I'M HOLDING MY SIDE.

AND THE DOCTOR COMES IN.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS

ABOUT DOCTORS.

THEY'RE JUST ALWAYS HAPPY

TO SEE YOU, RIGHT?

"AH, MR. IGLESIAS, HOW ARE YOU?"

(SQUEAKY VOICE) "I CAN'T FART."

(LAUGHTER)

"MR. IGLESIAS, DON'T WORRY,

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

JUST ROLL OVER ON YOUR SIDE

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

SO, I ROLL OVER.

AND HE GOES OVER TO THE WALL

AND HE GETS THESE LITTLE RUBBER

GLOVES.

AND HE PUTS THEM ON--

DON'T GET AHEAD OF ME, PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

HE PUTS ON THESE GLOVES AND

YOU HEAR...

AND HE WALKS OVER, AND HE PUTS

HIS HAND RIGHT HERE AND HE GOES

"DOES THAT HURT?"

"UH-HUH."

"DOES THAT HURT?"

"UH-HUH."

AND THEN THIS DOCTOR TURNED INTO

A MAGICIAN.

OH, YES, HE DID 'CAUSE HIS HAND

DISAPPEARED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT REAPPEARED SOMEWHERE

WAYYY BACK HERE.

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU GUYS

WHAT HE DID.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID.

YEAH, POKEMON, POKEMON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE

TO TELL ME, "MR. IGLESIAS,

I FOUND THE PROBLEM.

YOU SEEM TO BE SUFFERING

INTERNALLY.

YOU HAVE A BLOCKAGE IN YOUR

SYSTEM."

AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M THINKING,

"WELL, PULL OUT YOUR FINGER.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE THE ONE BLOCKING IT,

DUDE."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

SO, HE SAYS, "MR. IGLESIAS,

WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO FLUSH OUT

YOUR SYSTEM."

"OH, OKAY, FLUSH ME OUT.

GIVE ME SOME CRACKERS AND SOME

DIET SODA.

LET'S DO IT", RIGHT?

"NO, MR. IGLESIAS, WE HAVE

ANOTHER PROCEDURE.

IT'S PAINLESS.

IT'S QUICK.

TRUST ME."

SO, I'M LIKE, "OKAY, I GOTTA SEE

THIS", RIGHT?

SO, HE PICKS UP THE CALL BUTTON,

AND RINGS THE NURSE.

'BING.'

AND THE NURSE COMES IN.

"OH, IT'S A SHREK."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE WALKS IN WITH THIS

LITTLE BAG, WITH LIKE A LITTLE

HOSE HANGING OUT OF IT, RIGHT?

AND I SEE THIS LITTLE HOSE.

AND I'M THINKING "OOH, BITCH,

YOU BETTER BE WATERING A PLANT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU GUYS

WHAT SHE DID WITH THE HOSE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID WITH

THE HOSE.

SHE MADE ME A WATER BALLOON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN THEY SAY THEY'RE GONNA

FLUSH YOU OUT, THEY'RE NOT

LYING.

THE SECOND THEY DO THIS TO YOU,

GUESS WHEN YOU GOTTA GO.

RIGHT THERE.

AND THEY DON'T DO IT WHEN

IT'S ALL CONVENIENT--

WHEN YOU'RE OVER HERE IN THE

FACILITIES AND YOU'RE SITTING

DOWN AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY,

LET 'ER RIP.

LET'S DO IT.

THAT WOULD BE TOO CONVENIENT.

NO.

THEY DO IT WHEN YOU'RE LAYING

DOWN, 18 FEET AWAY, RIGHT?

LAYING DOWN.

AND THEY DO THIS TO YOU.

AND ANYTHING YOU HAVE IN HERE,

GOES FROM HERE, BACK THERE,

BOOM, LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

IT JUST HITS YOU LIKE A SHOT.

(POP)

AHH!

I LOCKED UP.

MY LEGS STIFFENED UP.

I TRIED TO RUN TO THE RESTROOM.

YOU GUYS, I LOOKED LIKE AN OLD

FRANKENSTEIN MOVIE IN

FAST FORWARD, MAN.

AHHHH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE WHOLE TIME, THE NURSES

ARE RUNNING BEHIND ME.

"WATCH OUT!

SHREK IS GONNA BLOW!"

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