Mario Cantone - Estrogen

  • Season 2 , Ep 9
  • 07/16/1999
  • Views: 8,927

Mario's cousin Goo Goo is the authority on everything. (2:51)

THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILYARE A TRIP.

MY COUSIN GOOGOO IS LIKE...

FIRST OF ALL, SHE'STHE AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING.

SHE KNOWS IT ALL.

YOU CAN'T TELL HER ANYTHING.

AND SHE'S GOT A MOUTHLIKE A DUCK, YOU KNOW?

AND SHE RUNS OUT OF BREATHAT THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE

AND YOU DON'T KNOWHOW SHE GETS IT OUT.

ANYTHING YOU TALK ABOUT,LIKE, "THAT DOG REALLY SMELLS."

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHINGRIGHT NOW.

"MY DAUGHTER CONNIE HAS A DOG.

"THAT FRIGGIN' DOG STANK UPTHE WHOLE FRIGGIN' HOUSE.

"I SAID, CONNIE,TAKE THAT DOG TO THE GROOMERS

"AND GET HIS ANAL GLANDSQUEEZED!

"IF YOU DON'T SQUEEZETHE ANAL GLAND

"THE FRIGGIN' DOG'SGOING TO STINK UP

"THE WHOLE ( bleep ) HOUSE.

"I HAD A DOG.

"HE DIEDOF AN IMPACTED ANAL GLAND.

"HE EXPLODED.

"HE WAS ALL OVERTHE FRIGGIN' WALLS.

"DO YOU WANT THATTO HAPPEN TO YOU?

"DO YOU WANT THATTO HAPPEN TO YOU?!

SQUEEZE THE ANAL GLAND!"

SHE'S NUTS.

BUT SHE'S DEAD NOW.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD--

MY MOTHER, MY AUNTS,THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING?

ALL THE WOMEN THAT TOOK ESTROGENIN MY FAMILY ARE ALIVE.

MY AUNTIE ANTOINETTA,MY OLDEST AUNTIE, AUNTIE MARY--

THEY'RE ALIVE.

THE YOUNGER ONES--MY MOTHER, MY AUNT JO

MY AUNT MICKEY-- DEAD.

THEY DIDN'T TAKE ESTROGEN.

AND MY OLDER SISTER MARIAN,WHO'S IN HER 50s

SHE WENT THROUGH THE CHANGE

SHE TAKES ESTROGEN,SHE'S VERY HEALTHY

BUT, MY OTHER SISTER, CAMILLE,WHO'S A FEW YEARS YOUNGER

I BEGGED HER,AND SHE'S LIKE THIS:

TOUGH-TALKING, CIGARETTE-SMOKING, B&B-DRINKING

"I DON'T TAKE NOTHIN'FROM NOBODY"

I WAS LIKE, "CAMILLE

"PLEASE TAKE ESTROGEN.

"LOOK WHAT HAPPENED...

YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE ESTROGEN."

"I AM NOT TAKING ESTROGEN.

"WHY? SO I CAN GET CANCER?

"SO I CAN HAVE A TUMORIN MY CERVIX

"THE SIZE OFA FRIGGIN' TANGERINE?

"I AM NOT TAKING ESTROGEN.

FORGET IT. I WILL GET CANCER."

( loud exhale )

( coughing )

I TOOK HER OUT FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I WAS, LIKE, "CAMILLE,WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

"I WANT TO GO TO OLIVE'SRESTAURANT IN BOSTON

AND HAVE APPETIZERSAT THE BAR."

"BUT WHY DO WE HAVETO SIT AT THE BAR?"

"'CAUSE I CAN SMOKEAT THE ( bleep ) BAR!"

"OKAY. WE'LL SIT AT THE BAR."

SHE'S OBSESSED WITH FOOD.

"WE'RE GOING TO GET LOBSTER

"AND IT BETTER HAVE A HARD SHELL

"'CAUSE IF IT'S A SOFT SHELL,IT IS NOT MAINE LOBSTER.

"I WANT A HARD SHELL LOBSTER

'CAUSE IF IT'S A SOFT SHELL,IT'S NOT GOOD."

I SAID, "BRING HER THE FOOD."

"CAMILLE, WHAT DO YOU THINKABOUT THE WHOLE CLINTON THING?"

"ALL RIGHT,SO HE LIKES THE B.J.s.

"LOOK, HE'S GOTA HIGH-PRESSURE JOB

"HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS MIND

AND I WANT MY PRESIDENTTO BE RELAXED."

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