Brian Regan - Greeting Cards

Brian Regan: Standing Up Season 1, Ep 1 06/09/2007 Views: 23,854

Brian Regan explains why "blank inside" greeting cards are a total scam. (3:37)

So, I'm going to a party.

And I had to go to aGreeting Card store to geta birthday card.

These places areway too subdivided now.

They don't have justa simple birthday section.

They have, like,"Happy birthday for age fourfrom the both of us."

What the hell?[ Chuckles ]

"I'm lookin' for a religious,humorous, happy birthday...

for age seven twinsfrom the A.F.C. West."

They have a whole sectioncalled "blank inside."

What in the hellis a blank inside card?

So I've been sending 'em out."Sorry you're feelingso blank inside.

I feel like thatmyself sometimes."

What kind of scam--

The guy who's sellin'blank inside cardsmust wake up laughin'.

"What do you do again?"[ Laughs ]

"I sell blank inside cards.

"A picture of a tree,nothin' on the inside.

"No little limerick,nothin'!

They're buyin' a crease!"

They have another whole sectioncalled "encouragement."

I like to send thoseto people who are notabout to do anything.

Just keep sending 'em follow-upsand confusing 'em.

"You can do it!"

"I can do what?I keep getting these!"

"I know it's in you.""What? What is in me?What can I do?"

Maybe you should godo something,

instead of reading cardsall the time.

You know what's fun?You pick somebody at random,like, out of the phone book...

and send 'em abouta hundred "just because" cards.

They can't even ask youwhy you did it.

They have a sectioncalled "new baby."

I don't think you needthe word "new."

You'd have to clear upconfusion.

"Do you havean old baby section?

"'Cause, uh, well,

"my friend had a baby,

"and I let timeget away from me.

"And he's 12.

"Is there an areaof your establishment--

Are you the proprietor?"

They'd be askin'that sort of thing.

They have "birthday."Then they have"birthday, humorous."

[ Laughs ]That kicks it up a notch.

They have "sympathy."No "sympathy, humorous."

I've yet to seewhere they've tried to--

I guess that's good.You wouldn't want toget one of those.

"Sorry about your Uncle Fred,but, hey, sometimesyou end up dead.

"Did somebody blonk himin the head?

Did somebody pump himfull of lead?""What the--

Are they tryingto be humorous?"

"Bet you're gladit wasn't you instead."[ Shrieks ]