Kyle Kinane - Every Vote Counts

Kyle Kinane Season 15, Ep 10 02/25/2011 Views: 8,787

All of our elected officials are predetermined by a select committee of the Illuminati and the lizard people. (2:08)

You know howthis goes.

[audience laughter]

Um, I'm-I'msittin' there--

It's just me--

It's one other guydown the bar, bartender.

And, uh-anduh, the tv's on.

It's, like, politicsor somethin' goin' on.

And uh, the guy down atthe end of the bar decides

that he's gonna startspoutin' off 'cause, ya know,

once you geta day buzz on...

"Oh, time to makenew friends."

So, uh...

So, he's starts goin' offand uh, he's starts talkin'--

he's addressing me,but I'm kinda try--

I'm tryin' toignore him.

And he's pointing atthe television, like,

"See,this is it, man.

"This is why yougotta vote, man.

"You gotta-- Every vote counts'cause if you don't vote,

"then this guy getsinto the other thing

"and then that lady movesover here and then--

"You gotta get out thereand vote, buddy.

"I'm tellin' you--you gotta vote."

And finally, I'm justlike, "Listen, man!

"Do you really thinkyou have your finger on

"the political pulseof a society

"if you're gettin'wasted at 3 o'clock

"in the afternoonon a Wednesday?

"I don'tthink you do.

"And second off, anybodythat doesn't already realize

"that all our predetermined,uh, ya know,

"all our elected officialsare just predetermined

"by a select committeeof the Illuminati

"and theLizard-People.

"Come on, man--This vote [deleted]!

"Get outta here--Don't give me this.

"'Every vote counts.'

"I've never been morehorrified of concept

"in my entire life."

Every vote counts?

That's terrifying...look around.

[audience laughter]

Your votes count.

Look at the peoplenext to you.

That doesn't scarethe [deleted] outta you?

[audience laughter]

Your vote-- Okay,let's put it this way...

My vote counts.

[laughter and applause]

That doesn't-- Thatdoesn't horrify you?

[cheering and applause]

I'm not qualifiedto pick out leaders.

When I wear headphones, Ithink I become invisible.

[audience laughter]

I get to pick outa president...

that's a bad system.

I stood in an airport urinalonce for 20 minutes

listening to Eddie Money'sgreatest hits on my Ipod

just twirlingmy pubic hair

like it wasa villain's mustache.

[audience laughter]

Just because.

Just to see if I couldmake it look like my penis

was gonna tie a woman tosome train tracks somewhere.

[audience laughter]

I had to get half way through"Two Tickets to Paradise"

before I was like,"You're in public!

"Get your [deleted]together, man!