You know howthis goes.
Um, I'm-I'msittin' there--
It's just me--
It's one other guydown the bar, bartender.
And, uh-anduh, the tv's on.
It's, like, politicsor somethin' goin' on.
And uh, the guy down atthe end of the bar decides
that he's gonna startspoutin' off 'cause, ya know,
once you geta day buzz on...
"Oh, time to makenew friends."
So, he's starts goin' offand uh, he's starts talkin'--
he's addressing me,but I'm kinda try--
I'm tryin' toignore him.
And he's pointing atthe television, like,
"See,this is it, man.
"This is why yougotta vote, man.
"You gotta-- Every vote counts'cause if you don't vote,
"then this guy getsinto the other thing
"and then that lady movesover here and then--
"You gotta get out thereand vote, buddy.
"I'm tellin' you--you gotta vote."
And finally, I'm justlike, "Listen, man!
"Do you really thinkyou have your finger on
"the political pulseof a society
"if you're gettin'wasted at 3 o'clock
"in the afternoonon a Wednesday?
"I don'tthink you do.
"And second off, anybodythat doesn't already realize
"that all our predetermined,uh, ya know,
"all our elected officialsare just predetermined
"by a select committeeof the Illuminati
"Come on, man--This vote [deleted]!
"Get outta here--Don't give me this.
"'Every vote counts.'
"I've never been morehorrified of concept
"in my entire life."
Every vote counts?
That's terrifying...look around.
Your votes count.
Look at the peoplenext to you.
That doesn't scarethe [deleted] outta you?
Your vote-- Okay,let's put it this way...
My vote counts.
[laughter and applause]
That doesn't-- Thatdoesn't horrify you?
[cheering and applause]
I'm not qualifiedto pick out leaders.
When I wear headphones, Ithink I become invisible.
I get to pick outa president...
that's a bad system.
I stood in an airport urinalonce for 20 minutes
listening to Eddie Money'sgreatest hits on my Ipod
just twirlingmy pubic hair
like it wasa villain's mustache.
Just to see if I couldmake it look like my penis
was gonna tie a woman tosome train tracks somewhere.
I had to get half way through"Two Tickets to Paradise"
before I was like,"You're in public!
"Get your [deleted]together, man!