Peter Berman - The One

  • Season 10, Ep 20
  • 04/27/2006
  • Views: 5,536

Women have a large capacity to love. (3:40)

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I LEARNED A LOT FROM BEIN' MARRIED, MAN.

I HAVE LEARNED A LOT FROM BEIN' MARRIED AND BEIN' BROKE.

I LEARNED THIS.

I LEARNED WOMEN HAVE A LARGE CAPACITY TO LOVE, DON'T THEY?

WOMEN ARE AWESOME, AREN'T THEY? YEAH, THEY ARE.

YOU KNOW, LOOK AT ME, I'M GOIN' BALD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M GOIN' BALD. I'M BROKE, AND I TOLD YOU THAT I'M FAT.

I AM. I'M FAT UNDERNEATH HERE. I'M A BALD, BROKE, FAT GUY,

AND MY WIFE STILL LOVES ME. SWEEEET!

- [APPLAUSE] - YEAH, HUH? WOMEN ARE AMAZING.

IF A GUY WAS EVER GOING OUT WITH A BALD, BROKE, FAT CHICK,

- WE'D BE LIKE... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. SAD, BUT TRUE.MY WIFE IS THE ONE, TOO.

SHE IS. SHE'S THE ONE, MAN.SHE IS.

AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT 'CAUSE SHE'S HERE TONIGHT,

- 'CAUSE SHE'S NOT. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M SAYING IT 'CAUSE SHE HAS SPIES FOLLOWING ME AROUND

TO MAKE SURE I'M SAYING IT. THAT'S WHY I SAY IT, MAN.

SHE IS. SHE'S THE ONE. SHE IS.

YEAH, THE ONERIGHT BEFORE HER THOUGH,

I'D LIKE TO CALL HERDEFINITELY NOT THE ONE.

HOLY CRAP NOT THE ONE, YOU KNOW?

I THINK YOU GO OUT WITH THE ONE

AFTER YOU GO OUT WITHDEFINITELY NOT THE ONE.THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

OTHERWISE, YOU GOTTASTART TAKIN' THE BLAME,DON'T YOU? YOU KNOW?

THERE WAS A WHILE THERE,I'M LIKE,

"MAN, WHY DO I KEEP DATIN' THESE CRAZY BITCHES?"

THEN I'M LIKE, "WOO. I'M PICKIN' 'EM.

COMMON DENOMINATOR, ME!"THAT HURTS, MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT OUT WITH THE ONETHAT WASN'T THE ONE

FOR FIVE YEARS. FIVE YEARS. GET THIS.

I WANTED TO BREAK UP AFTER THREE MONTHS.

- HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I DIDN'T. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'M A PUSSY, THAT'S WHY. YEAH. I DIDN'T WANNA HURT HER.

I JUST WANTED TO RUIN MY FREAKIN' LIFE, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WHAT'S FIVE YEARS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT REALLY?

HERE'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS OVER. 3 MONTHS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

WE'RE SITTING AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT, RIGHT,

AND SHE LEANS OVER AND PUNCHES ME RIGHT IN THE FACE. YEAH, YEAH, FOR NO REASON!

YEAH, AND I CLEARLY REMEMBER THINKING,

"I'M GONNA GIVE HER 4 MORE YEARS AND 9 MONTHS

AND THAT IS IT!" I WAS A PUSS, MAN. I WAS. I WAS WEAK.

YEAH, I COULDN'T BREAK UP WITH HER. I WAS PUSS.

I USED TO BE FLYIN' WITH HER ON A PLANE SOMEWHERE,

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, I HOPE WE CRASH AND SHE DIES AND I LIVE.

- "I NEED SOME HELP, MAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE YOU WOMEN CAN BREAK UP WITH MEN

A LOT EASIER THAN MENCAN BREAK UP WITH WOMEN.

CAN'T YOU? YOU CAN. YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE COMMUNICATORS.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL QUALITY. YEAH, YOU'RE COMMUNICATORS.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TALK TO A WOMAN FRIEND OF YOURS.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S A DICK." "DUMP HIM."

[Sound Of Gun Shot] GOODBYE, BOYFRIEND.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

YEAH. MEN DON'T DO THAT.'CAUSE WE DON'T TALK, YOU KNOW?

NOT ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT,YOU KNOW.

THAT CONVERSATION BETWEEN GUYS WOULD GO A LOT LIKE THIS.

"YEAH, MAN, MY GIRLFRIEND'S A BITCH!"

- [SILENCE] - [LAUGHTER]

"HUH...

WELL, GOOD LUCK, MAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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