Dan Cummins - Helping the Homeless

Oswalt, Mulaney, Edwards, Cummins, Mordal, Prekel, Borowitz Season 1, Ep 3 08/03/2006 Views: 11,896

Dan does nice things for homeless people. (2:07)

Uh, I recently saved a tonof money on my car insurance.

By... by fleeingthe scene of the accident.


( amplified relieved sigh )



( chuckles )

Don't-don't worry.It totally wasn't my fault.

He was jaywalking.

All right?

Live by the sword,die by the sword.

Hey, I want to get somethingacross, though.

I'm a good person; that's whatI want to talk about most.

Seriously,you got to help people.

That's what I do.

Like, I don't knowif you know this about me,

but once a year,

instead of givingone homeless guy a dollar,

I step it up.

I buy 50 bucks' worthof malt liquor,

hide it in a park.

( laughter )

Happy Easter.

( laughter )

Yes, I was raised Christian.

I've been frustrated lately,though.

I've been having troublewith my computer with pop-ups.

Oh, my God,those are frustrating.

I get so mad,

'cause most of the pop-ups I get

are advertisements for softwareto get rid of pop-ups.

You know, I'm kind of mad,but I'm also kind of, like,

"Mm, touche.

Well played, sir."

( laughter )

I mean, I know whatthey're doing, you know?

A little marketing,that's pretty good.

Create a need.I like that.

I want to find the companythat makes that software,

and right outsidetheir headquarters,

I want to set upa first-aid kit stand,

and I'll create a need as well.

When they come outside,I'll be, like, "Hi.

Would you like to buya first-aid kit right now?"

And if they say no,mm-hmm, stab 'em.

( laughter )

( applause )

They'll be, like, "Ow-how!

What are you, crazy?!"

Heh-heh, like a fox.

Now would you like to buya first-aid kit?

That's what I thought,Captain Bloody Neck.

Price just doubled.

( laughter )