(with British accent):Good evening
and welcome to another edition
of Inside the Actor Studio.
If you enjoyed last week'srendition
of Fiddler onthe Booty-ass Bitch,
you're going to truly appreciatetonight's installment.
Now, as you may know,earlier this week,
comedian Patton Oswalt,a man that we adore and admire,
and someone that we love,engaged in a Twitter duel
with Martin Shkreli,a guy who kind of looks like
a guy who would jack-up theprice on AIDS medication.
A man, who is essentially
a urethra stuffedwith barbed wire.
A man, who in my British accent,
is acceptable for me to say,is a (bleep).
Got into a bit of a row over thepopular hashtag #TrumpCantSwim,
which poked funat the amusing idea
that bloated race-baiterDonald Trump
cannot, in fact, swim.
Tonight we re-interpret
this dramatic exchangeas it unfolded.
Taking on the role oftreacherous Martin Shkreli
tonight is Mr. James Davis.
The gentle Mr. Oswalt will beportrayed by Mary Lynn Rajskub,
and the role of Twittercommenters who interjected
will be brought to lifeby actor Adam Goldberg.
When the actors are ready,the scene may begin.
(blowing across lips)
(deeply inhales and exhales)
This #TrumpCantSwim hashtagthing is ridiculous.
He can swim, right?
Who are you again?
Why are you ever?
Now run along, live your lifeand die wealthy,
yet confused by how emptyyou feel in those last seconds.
Uh, he's the voice ofRatatouille, okay?
You're the voiceof corporate greed.
(chuckling):Lol, he does voices?
Not like the ones in your headtelling you that acquiring,
yet never creatingis eating your soul,
but, yeah, voices.
This pathetic loser would neverbe able to go toe-to-toe
with me in adiscussion about anything.
-Comedian idiot.-(Hardwick gasps)
Um, that's all right,I, um...
I never said I was smarterthan you, dummy.
Just said that you're boringand soulless.
(cheers and applause)
Same with Colbert.
You guys can deliver a joke,but that doesn't make you smart.
Plus I'm funnier @StephenAtHome,
It's called talent.
Dude, 12-year-oldson a Skittle's rush
can troll better than you.
(cheers and applause)
They say laughteris the best medicine,
but I have never seen you runa clinical trial,
@pattonoswalt,liberal trash bag,
You got me there,Transdermal Patch Adams.
(laughter and applause)
If laughterwas the best medicine,
you'd jack-up the price on it.(chuckling)
Oh, also, if I don't matter,then what's stopping you
from crushingthe comedy landscape?
Have at it, champ.
Not enough moneyin that waste of time.
And guess what?
I help people with my drugs,stupid moron.
You just line your pockets.
You know,I never noticed until now,
but Martin hasreal tiny hands.
Show businessis for loser idiot morons.
A couple of lucky moronswho made it big.
They probably do drugs, too.
Well, @MartinShkreli,this was enervating.
Tell the people you pay to tellyou you're funny,
to also assure you that you won.