Tony Baker - 25 Percent White

Tony Baker & Alfred Robles Season 2, Ep 5 11/01/2012 Views: 6,930

Some of Tony Baker's behavior doesn't match up with being a black guy. (2:30)

Uh, you know, I'm 25% white.

And, occasionally,that 25 stands out

in the stuff I'm into.

You know what I'm saying, I justgot to blame it on that 25.

It don't-it don't reallymatch up with a black guy.

Like, I want to bungee jumpand skydive,

but I want to take itto the next level, guys.

Like, I want the pilotof the plane to jump out first.

Then I want the instructorto jump out,

I want to jump out last with noparachute as the plane explodes

for no reason, catch theinstructor mid-freefall,

pull his cord,then when we land together,

I want to tackle a cheetah.

That's that 25right there, guys.

That's that 25 right there,you know what I'm saying?

I like to go on naturewalks and hikes

and instead of runningfrom the grizzly bear or puma,

I like to stand there and marvelat it, maybe even bring the kids

in closer,so they can feel the fur

of a real wild animal,so we can

get mauled asa family, as a unit.

That's that 25right there, guys.

You ever notice minoritiesnever get mauled?

It's 'cause we getthe hell out of Dodge,

once we find out there's bearswalking around there.

"Yeah, but if you look,this is a real grizzly trail."

"There's bears out here?

Now give me my car keys;I didn't sign up for this."


It's that 25, guys.

It's that 25.

If I hear a strange noiseout back or in the basement,

I'll go check it out by myself.

That's that 25right there, guys.


That's that white-guy heroics,you know what I'm saying?

He'll wake his wife up,"Honey, honey, honey.

"Honey, I hearda noise out back.

"I'm gonna go check it out.

If I'm not back in 15 minutes,call the cops."


Minorities, we like forpeople to have our back,

you know what I'm saying?

If that means it's gonnabe our wife, so be it.

"Honey, honey, honey. Wake up.

"Wake up, get yourhouse shoes on.

I heard something out back."

(laughter, applause)

"Get the kids up just in case weneed some innocent eyes on this.

"I don't want to be the only onedead, at church on Sunday.

Let's... let's do this, guys."

I like to go to the movietheater and shut the hell up.

That's that 25right there, guys.

(laughter, applause)

That's that 25, right there.

I didn't sign up to hear

Jamal and them in the backwith the comments.

Shut up, Jamal and them.

Y'all see me watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part One.

As a man.

Me watching Twilight, that'sthat 25 right there, guys.


That's that 25, right there.

I like to talk itout with my kids,

instead of giving 'em whuppings,you know what I'm saying?

And therefore, in essence,raising the smart-mouthed kids

with no respect for adults.

That's that 25, right there.

But then I get madat the disrespect,

and I beat their asses.

That's that 75right there, guys.

(audience cheering)That's that 75, right there.