Okay, so I-I live in New York.
Uh... oh.(scattered cheeringand applause)
You guys are trapped also.Um...
I live in New York,
and this past Christmas,
my little sister,my mom, and my niece,
my 14-year-old niece,
all came out to visit.
Uh, and they told methat they wanted
the real New York experience.
And I don't know what to do,
so I set them up ona bunch of Tinder dates.
You know, just let them fendfor themselves.
But I asked my nieceif she liked New York,
and she... she told methat it was just okay.
If I can't convincea 14-year-old girl
that that overcrowded,
nightmare Dumpster is magic,
what good am I as an uncle?
If you can make it in New York,
you can make it anywhere.
Except for in the woods.
You'll probably diein the woods.
I was in Times Squarethe other day.
If I've learned anythingfrom Times Square,
it's that Hello Kitty is nota man to be trifled with.
There is ragein that man's eyes,
behind his adorablekitten costume.
But I've-I've been in New Yorkfor ten years so far.
And I am certain in that time,just bit by bit,
that I have inhaledone full pigeon.
The air, it's just that good.
I don't know how I got cancer.