It's a weird age. It's the age, as a women,
when your body just startsto tell you to have a baby.
My body's just, like,"Have a baby."
My bank account's, like, "Don'tyou even (bleep) think about it.
"Have you seen us?
It's real sad in here."
Like, "Have you been drinking?"
Bank of America, uh,they e-mail me a lot
just to let me knowthings aren't going good.
They're not even my bank, so Ithink that that's kind of rude.
Things aregetting better slowly.
Last year was the brokestI've ever been.
I was at a point whereI was window-shopping at CVS.
Has anyone been there?
Oh, treating yourselfto a trip down aisle six?
Just staring downa box of Tampax Pearls?
Tell myself, "Someday...
you're gonna treat yourselflike a lady."
Tampons ain't cheap.
That is a true story.
I remember looking at the priceand being, like,
(splutters) I hope I'm pregnant,and I walked out.
I don't want to be pregnant.
No, I am not old enoughor mature enough
to handle an abortion.
(laughter)I just think that I would...
giggle the whole time, you know?
Um... I'm just kidding.
I would never...I would definitely do it.
I just, um... well, if I getone more, I get one free,
so I want to fill outmy punch card
before they changethe rewards program.
I hate when they do that--or is that...
frozen yogurt?I get them confused.
Guys, I'm kid...I'm totally...
I'm pro-life.Um, I'm just pro-my-life,
and a baby would really (bleep)that up for me right now, so...
(applause)I'm, like, having fun.
Oh, thank you.
I, uh, I come from Missouri,
where there area lot of pro-lifers.
Um, they havea lot of billboards.
I was driving acrossthe state recently.
One, out of nowhere,was just, like:
"Thinking about abortion?"
I was, like, "N-No,but now I am. Thanks a lot."
'Cause what better wayto pass the time
on a long road trip...
than to just daydreamabout abortion?
You're in Kansas Citybefore you know it.
It was very jarring--I was, like, what the...?
And then,"Thinking of Abortion?"
The next one was:"Consider Adoption."
I'm, like, why would I wantsome stranger's baby
if I'm gonna get rid of my own?Like, what are they...
trying to complicate my life?