Nikki Glaser - Not Mature Enough to Be Pregnant

  • Season 2 , Ep 2
  • 05/03/2013
  • Views: 15,915

Although Nikki Glaser's body is telling her to have a baby, her bank account vetoes the idea. (2:30)

I'm 28.

It's a weird age. It's the age, as a women,

when your body just startsto tell you to have a baby.

My body's just, like,"Have a baby."

My bank account's, like, "Don'tyou even (bleep) think about it.

(laughter)

"Have you seen us?

It's real sad in here."

Like, "Have you been drinking?"

Bank of America, uh,they e-mail me a lot

just to let me knowthings aren't going good.

They're not even my bank, so Ithink that that's kind of rude.

(quietly):Oh, no...

Things aregetting better slowly.

Last year was the brokestI've ever been.

I was at a point whereI was window-shopping at CVS.

Has anyone been there?

Oh, treating yourselfto a trip down aisle six?

Just staring downa box of Tampax Pearls?

(laughter)

Tell myself, "Someday...

you're gonna treat yourselflike a lady."

(laughter)

Tampons ain't cheap.

That is a true story.

I remember looking at the priceand being, like,

(splutters) I hope I'm pregnant,and I walked out.

(laughter)

It's crazy.

I don't want to be pregnant.

No, I am not old enoughor mature enough

to handle an abortion.

(laughter)I just think that I would...

giggle the whole time, you know?

Um... I'm just kidding.

I would never...I would definitely do it.

I just, um... well, if I getone more, I get one free,

so I want to fill outmy punch card

before they changethe rewards program.

I hate when they do that--or is that...

frozen yogurt?I get them confused.

(laughter)

Guys, I'm kid...I'm totally...

I'm pro-life.Um, I'm just pro-my-life,

and a baby would really (bleep)that up for me right now, so...

(applause)I'm, like, having fun.

Oh, thank you.

I, uh, I come from Missouri,

where there area lot of pro-lifers.

Um, they havea lot of billboards.

I was driving acrossthe state recently.

One, out of nowhere,was just, like:

"Thinking about abortion?"

I was, like, "N-No,but now I am. Thanks a lot."

'Cause what better wayto pass the time

on a long road trip...

than to just daydreamabout abortion?

You're in Kansas Citybefore you know it.

It was very jarring--I was, like, what the...?

And then,"Thinking of Abortion?"

The next one was:"Consider Adoption."

I'm, like, why would I wantsome stranger's baby

if I'm gonna get rid of my own?Like, what are they...

trying to complicate my life?

Loading...