( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.
NATION, I'M A HUGE FAN OF WE
WILL P.
THE ON-LINE SOCIAL MEDIA REVIEW
SITE FOR LOCAL BUSINESSES.
IT COMBINES THE CRITICAL PALETTE
OF ZAG AFTER ATS WITH NOT HAVING
ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.
BUT YELP ISN'T JUST FOR FINDING
REVIEWS OF RESTAURANTS ANYMORE.
>> IT'S THE WEBSITE TO GO TO
WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT.
YOU CAN NOW CHECK OUT YELP IF
YOU PLAN ON GOING TO JAIL.
LAWYERS, PRISON INMATES AND
THEIR FAMILIES HAVE STARTED
POSTING REVIEWS OF THE NATION'S
CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES ON YELP.
THEY RATE EVERYTHING FROM PRISON
FOOD TO ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY ARE NOW REVIEWING PRISONS
ON YELP.
ALTHOUGH YOU DO GET YOUR
STANDARD RESTAURANT GRIPES LIKE
SERVICE TOOK FOREVER, WAS THERE
FOR 25 YEARS.
CHECK OUT THIS ACTUAL FOUR-STAR
REVIEW OF THE ARLINGTON COUNTY
DETENTION FACILITY BY WINDI L.
QUOTE, AT NO TIME DID THE
OFFICER VIOLATE ANY OF MY
CONSTITUTIONAL PRIVILEGES AND
EVEN GAVE ME A JUICE BOX AFTER I
SAID I WAS THIRSTY.
YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT.
THEY HAVE JUICE BOXES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WELL, OF COURSE, THEY HAVE JUICE
BOXES.
YOU CAN'T RISK SOMEONE CALLING
FOR THE KOOL AID MAN.
>> OH, YEAH!
Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT IS
THE ORIGINAL ENDING OF THE
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.
BUT, FOLKS, MOSTLY, I'M LOVING
THIS BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS LOOKING
OUT FOR MY VIEWERS.
AND I KNOW THAT A LARGE SEGMENT
OF MY AUDIENCE IS VIOLENT
CRIMINALS.
AND WITH THE NEW COLBERT I-PHONE
APP, I'M SURE MANY OF YOU ARE
WATCHING THIS WHILE LEADING
POLICE ON A HIGH-SPEED CHASE.
FIRST OFF, BE SAFE.
PUT DOWN THE PHONE.
PUT YOUR HANDS AT 10 AND 2 WHILE
YOU CAREEN THROUGH TRAFFIC AT
130 MILES AN HOUR.
AND IF YOU'RE STILL LISTENING,
OKAY, A LITTLE RESEARCH ON YELP,
OKAY.
I'VE DONE SOME.
YOU'LL WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM
GETTING ARRESTED IN QUEENS
BECAUSE A USER NAMED DAVE C HAD
A SCATHING REVIEW OF THE QUEENS
CENTRAL BOOKING UNIT WRITING
NONWORKING TOILETS, OVERCROWDED
ROOMS AND A GENERAL AURA OF
FAILURE, THIS PLACE SUCKS DONKEY
BALLS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S BAD,
WAIT UNTIL YOU MEET DONKEY.
SO, CRIMINALS ON THE RUN, YOUR
BEST BET IS TO DRIVE SOUTH TO
JUICE BOX COUNTRY WHERE ONCE
AGAIN WINDI L WRITES, QUOTE, IF
YOU'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED, DO
IT IN ARLINGTON COUNTY.
I THINK ARLINGTON TOURISM JUST
FOUND ITS NEW SLOGAN.
BUT INCARCERATION, NATION,
ACCORDING TO YELP, THERE'S ONE
PRISON YOU SHOULD SURELY AVOID.
LISTEN TO THIS AWFUL FEEDBACK.
A DANGEROUS, CROWDED, CRAMPED
SITUATION.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT FROM THE
HEAT.
DON'T BRING GUNS.
THERE'S A SENSITIVE METAL
DETECTOR.
AND YOU WILL SIT OUTSIDE IN A
DARK HOLDING PEN THAT FEELS LIKE
A DUNGEON.
UGH!
THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
WHAT IS IT?
THE COLBERT REPORT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WELL, THAT IS HARDLY FAIR.
MY SHOW IS NOTHING LIKE PRISON.
I MEAN 80% OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE
NOT BEEN SHIVED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE