Julian McCullough - One-Sided Love Story - Uncensored

Romance 11/18/2016 Views: 1,530

In college, Julian McCullough fell madly in love with a classmate and went to an embarrassing extreme to prove how much he cared about her. (9:44)

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This was the logicof a 20-year-old boy

who didn't know women at all.

If you like a girl

and she doesn'tlike you back enough,

the worst thing you could dois be like,

"Oh, you don't understand.

I'm never leaving."

[grunts]

[dark electronic music]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[cheers and applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen,you know this next guy

from his own podcastcalled "Julian Loves Music."

Please give it up for Mr. JulianMcCullough, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- All right, so I grew upin a musical family.

We care too much about music,

and it hurt me real bad.

I'm actually named afterJulian "Cannonball" Adderley.

That's Miles Davis'saxophone player,

which is a lot of pressureto put on a tiny white baby.

[laughter]

But my dad loves jazz, and noteven the jazz you don't like.

He likes way worse jazz.

My dad likes avant-garde jazz,which is the kind that's like...

[squawking]

And the drummer's playing adifferent song.

[laughter]

So I've always caredtoo much about music.

I get to college.

I make the biggest mistake

you could possibly makein college

besides go to Rutgers.

I fell batshit, head over heels,

crazy in love with the mostmaladjusted, toxic girl

I could possibly find,

but when you're 20, you're like,"They're the hottest."

So there were red flagseverywhere.

She walked into classfour days late.

That was the first timeI ever saw her,

four days late,and half an hour late that day,

she walks in, head to toeall black.

Black hair, covered in tattoos,sunglasses.

Sits down in the front row,loud and pissed off, like--

like she was trying to sleep,

and we builta classroom around her.

She never tookher sunglasses off

the whole timeat 10:00 a.m.,

so you're either drunkor an asshole.

Either way, I was like,"I'm Julian.

What's your name?"

And...

So I ask her out,

and she says nothe first time.

I ask her out nine more times.

This is when I was young.

I was hungry.I was persistent.

I'm not like thatat all anymore.

Now I'm like a caton a windowsill with women.

You know what I mean?Where I'm like, "Meow,"

and they're like, "No,"and I'm like...

I have the sun.

So...

she finally agreesto go out with me,

you know what I mean?And it's amazing.

It works.We start dating.

We're boyfriend and girlfriend.I can't believe it.

I've never had a real girlfriendin college yet.

And she's dangerous and out ofmy league.

I'm, like, it's amazing.

The problem is,it was never even.

I was obsessed with this girl,

and she was, like,kind of on board

that she had a boyfriendfrom English class.

Like, that wasthe two levels we were at.

I don't know if you've everbeen in a relationship

that uneven before,but if you haven't,

I highly recommend it,because if you're confident,

it'll fix it.

So...

we're going out, but I'mmiserable the whole time.

I'm basically chasing my owngirlfriend

in this relationship,

and it wasn'tcompletely one-sided.

You know, we did havea song together.

She didn't knowthat we had a song together,

but I picked a songfor both of us

that I would listen toalone in the dark

when she wouldn't call,and it was called

"Lover, You Should've Come Over"by Jeff Buckley.

It's a very intense love songfrom the '90s.

Yeah, he drowned.

Anyway, I'm laying therein the dark one night

in my room alone,listening to the song,

and I get an epiphanyfrom the lyrics

about how to handlemy situation.

One of the lyrics is,

"She's a tear that hangsinside my soul forever,"

and I was like, "Yup."

But it called her a tear,and that's when I was like,

"Oh, my God.She's had a sad life."

You know what I mean?

Like, her dad ran outon the family.

Her mom was addicted to pills.

Her ex-boyfriendsold all her stuff for drugs

one time when she came home.

Everybody that's ever said"I love you" to this girl

has also completelyscrewed her over.

So she thinks because I say Ilove you,

I'm gonna screw her over.

I need to prove to herthat I'm never gonna leave,

and then she'll love me back.

This was the logicof a 20-year-old boy

who didn't know women at all,because if you like a girl

and she doesn'tlike you back enough,

the worst thing you could dois be like,

"Oh, you don't understand.

I'm never leaving."

[laughter]

What I should've doneis been like,

"Let's go to lunch,"and then just left her

in a field somewhere,

and if she ever made itback to town,

she'd be like,"You need a blow job.

You're mysterious."

So...I didn't know that at thetime, you know.

I was, like, 25 when I foundthat out.

So...so I get an epiphany in bed,

and I get out of bed that night,and I'm like,

"I know what I'm gonna do."

I walk a block downto the tattoo parlor

that's closeto my apartment, right?

You don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

And...

I walk in, and I go,

"I would likeone tattoo, please."

And the guy was like,"First time?"

And I was like,"You don't know my life."

He goes, "What are we doing?"

I go, "All right,I'm in love with my girlfriend.

"She's kind of on board.We need to fix it.

"We have a song togetherthat she doesn't know about

"where he says she's a tear thathangs inside my soul forever.

"She has a butterfly tattooon her bicep,

"which is really cool.

"I need that butterfly tattoo

on my stomach,where our souls are?"

"With tears above it."

And he goes--wait, what did he say?

He goes--oh.

"No."

[laughter]

"No way, dude.I'm not giving you that tattoo."

And I was--I couldn't believeit.

I was like, "What are you talk--this is a tattoo store.

I give you money.You give me a tattoo."

He goes, "That's not how itworks.

"That's the worst thing I'veever heard in my entire life.

I'm never giving you that."

I go, "But--but I love her."

He goes, "How longyou been together?"

I go, "Six months."He goes, "Get out

"of my fucking store.

I'm not giving you that tattoo."

I go, "Fine, I'll just gosomewhere else

and get a worse one."

You know?Now he knows I'm mature.

So he goes, "Ugh, all right.

"Look, go home.Wait seven days.

"If you come back,you still want it,

and you're not drunk,I'll give it to ya."

And I was like, "You're on,motherfucker."

And he was like,"It's not a challenge.

I don't want to do this."

[laughter]

So I go home.I wait seven days.

I listen to the song over andover again.

I go back in,put $200 on the counter,

and he gives me this.

[audience murmuring]

[applause]

So...

that was 15 years ago,

if you're wondering if tattoosare permanent.

[laughter]

And it's somehow brighter todaythan the day I got it.

I don't know how that happened.It's supposed to fade, right?

About an hour into it, he'slike, "I'm done."

I looked down.It was a black outline.

And I must have said, "Gayer,"

'cause it's rainbow-coloredon the inside.

I don't know why I thought thatwould be a good idea.

That was 15 years ago.

I've been doing comedyfor 13 years.

This is the first year I've evertalked about this onstage.

That's how long it took meto be okay with it.

[cheers and applause]

Not because of you guys.

You guys are very supportive.

But all my friends arecomedians.

You can't show this to acomedian.

They won't talk about anythingelse ever.

I don't even want to getoff stage right now

and go back to the green room.

[laughter]

I showed it to one comedianfriend one time,

and he goes, "Oh, why didn't youjust get two dudes

"butt fucking on your stomach?

That would have been less gay."

[laughter]

And I said, "'Cause thoseweren't the lyrics."

[laughter]

You guys were awesome.

Thank you so much.Have a great night.

[dark electronic music]