Hari Kondabolu - List of People Who Will Die in the Revolution

  • Season 15 , Ep 7
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 42,245

Hari Kondabolu always assumed that the revolution would at least have electric guitar. (4:11)

OF POLITICAL ACTIVIST FRIENDS.

UH, THEY LISTEN TOA LOT OF 60s PROTEST MUSIC,

WHICH ISN'T REALLYMUSIC I LISTEN TO.

AND I WAS AT THISPARTY, RECENTLY,

AND THAT'S ALLTHAT WAS PLAYING.

SO I-I TURNED TOMY FRIEND AND I'M LIKE,

"HEY, MAN-- CAN-CANWE TAKE THIS MUSIC OFF?

"I FIND IT OBNOXIOUS."

AND, UH,THIS-THIS UPSET HIM.

AND HE'S LIKE, "YOUDON'T LIKE MY MUSIC, MAN?

"BUT MY MUSIC IS THESOUND OF THE REVOLUTION."

WHAT?

YOU THINK ACOUSTIC GUITAR ISTHE SOUND OF THE REVOLUTION?

MAYBE I'M BEINGA BIT NAIVE.

I ALWAYS ASSUMEDTHE REVOLUTION

WOULD BE A BITLOUDER, YOU KNOW?

I-I ASSUMED GUNFIRE AND,UH, BOMBS BLOWING UP,

AND, UH, THE BLOOD CURDLINGSCREAMS OF RICH PEOPLE

HAVING THEIR THROATS SLIT,AND THEIR LAND TAKEN AWAY,

AND PERHAPS, EVENTHEIR ORGANS EATEN.

OR AT THE BARE MINIMUM,ELECTRIC GUITAR.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

YOU CAN'T KILL OTHER PEOPLETO ACOUSTIC GUITAR.

YOU CAN ONLYKILL YOURSELF.

[audience applauding]

SO I WAS TELLINGTHIS JOKE RECENTLY

AT A SMALL,LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE,

AND, UH, THIS YOUNGWOMAN CAME UP TO ME.

SHE WAS VERY UPSET-- SHE WASLIKE, "YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOT

"OF REALLY GOOD RICHPEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

"I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIRYOU JUST GROUPED EVERYBODY--"

AND I-I GET WHATSHE WAS SAYING.

SHE WAS SAYING,"ME, MY FAMILY, MY SIBLINGS!

"THE PEOPLE INMY COUNTRY CLUB,

"THE KIDS THAT WENT TOMY PRIVATE BOARDING SCHOOL."

I GOT WHATSHE WAS SAYING,

AND I-I THOUGHTI'D COMPROMISE WITH HER,

SO I MADE A LIST OFEXACTLY WHO WOULD DIE

IN THE REVOLUTION...

[audience laughing]

...THAT I WANT TO SHAREWITH YOU TONIGHT.

"LIST OF PEOPLE WHO WILLDIE IN THE REVOLUTION,"

BY HARI KONDABOLU.

I REALLY SHOULDN'TPUT MY NAME ON IT.

[audience laughing]

ALL RIGHT-- ALL RIGHT.

"LIST OF PEOPLE WHO WILLDIE IN THE REVOLUTION."

NUMBER ONE: ANYONE WHO HASCALLED THEIR CAR "GHETTO,"

BECAUSE THEIR BUILT-INGPS DIDN'T WORK

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

[audience applauding]

TWO: ANYONE WHOSEFIRST REAL JOB

WAS BEING THE STAR OFA REALITY TELEVISION SHOW.

AND THE NAMEOF THE SHOW

WASN'T "INNER-CITY-YOUTHUNABLE-TO-FIND-WORK

"AND-FORCED-TO-STAR-INREALITY-TELEVISION-SHOW,"

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

[cheers and applause]

THREE: JIMMY BUFFET.

FOUR-- THAT ONE'SKIND OF OBVIOUS, HUH?

FOUR: ANYONE WHOHAS USED THE PHRASE,

"MY GRANDPARENTSCOTTAGE" IN A SENTENCE

WITHOUT IT BEING PRECEDED BYTHE PHRASE, "WE HAD TO SELL,"

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

FIVE, THE YOUNG WOMAN

WHO INSPIRED THECREATION OF THIS LIST,

HER PARENTS,HER SIBLINGS,

THE PEOPLEAT HER COUNTRY CLUB,

AND THE KIDS WHO WENT TOHER PRIVATE, BOARDING SCHOOL,

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF

THE AFFIRMATIVE ACTIONAND FINANCIAL AID STUDENTS,

WILL DIE INTHE REVOLUTION.

[cheers and applause]

AND, FINALLY,THE WOMAN WHO BOARDED

THE "JET BLUE" FLIGHTTO BURBANK IN FRONT OF ME,

WHO TURNED TO HERHUSBAND AND SAID,

"I HATE FLYING'JET BLUE'

"BECAUSE 'JET BLUE'DOES NOT HAVE FIRST CLASS."

[audience applauding]

IT'S "JET BLUE!"

"JET BLUE'S" LIKE THE BESTAIRLINE IN THE WORLD!

I MEAN EVERYBODY GETSA COMFORTABLE SEAT.

EVERYBODY GETSAMPLE LEG-ROOM.

EVERYBODY GETSA TELEVISION.

EVERYBODY GETSUNLIMITED SNACKS.

THIS WOMAN'S ISSUE WASN'TTHAT THERE WASN'T FIRST CLASS.

HER ISSUE WAS THAT THERE WASFINALLY EQUALITY IN THE WORLD.

THIS WOMAN WILL DIEIN THE REVOLUTION!

Loading...