Adam Devine - "All the Small Things"

The Comedy Jam Season 1, Ep 1 08/28/2016 Views: 14,867

After talking about how "All the Small Things" played during a rite of passage, Adam Devine performs a rousing rendition of the blink-182 song. (6:54)

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So, like, everybody has, like,the one song, you know?

That sort of, like, transportsyou, uh, back in time,

where you were like, whereveryou are, you sort of remember

exactly where you werewhen you heard that song,

when that songwas a part of your life.

Well, my song wasthe song that was playing

when I lost my virginity.

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, I was 17 years old,and I was, like, the oldest

out of all my friends,you know?

I'm from Omaha, Nebraska,so we be [bleep], and, uh...

[laughs]

And, uh--not me, though.

Took a while.

And, uh, my girlfriendat the time,

she was like a sweetheart,and she was like,

"I just want it to be perfect."

And I was like, "I know just theplace that'll set the mood."

A Blink-182 concert.

[cheers and applause]

Right?

That's the--the groundwork.

So I somehow convinced myparents into letting, like,

me and her and a group offriends to travel from

Omaha, Nebraska,all the way down to

Kansas City--it's, like,a 3 1/2 hour drive,

go to the concert,and the best part is,

they put us upin hotel rooms.

What the--

what the [bleep]were they thinking?

Obviously, an orgyis gonna break out.

We're 17, we're like--[screams].

It won't go down!

And we go to the show,and it was everything

you expected it to be.

A lot of jumping like this.

A lot of moving your hairout of your face like this.

And, uh, after the show,we come back to the hotel,

and, you know, the melodicsounds of Mark, Tom, and Travis

were just pulsating throughour nether regions.

And we were just...

ah.

And we're just locking eyes,you know, me and her,

and it's getting--it's sensual, you know?

It is palpable,this sexual energy in the air.

And I'm like, "Oh."

You know?Like--

[laughs]

When you're, like,losing your virginity,

or it's, like, all so new,like, everything--

every touch is, like, "oh!"

"Oh!"

So it's us, like,slowly unbuttoning

each other's clothes,just being like, "Oh!"

[moans]

And then, I'm like,"Uh, hold up, time out,

I've got the perfect song."

And, uh, in hindsight,"All The Small Things"

is the worst song--

[cheers and applause]

It's the worst songto lose your virginity to.

'Cause it's about a tiny dick,you know?

And, uh, it's going goodand we're--I'm in it,

and, uh...

and I'm in it, and she's like,"Are you in?"

And I'm like...

"Yeah, bitch, I'm in.

"I'm all--this isas far as I can go.

I don't, uh..."

And then, I hear the words,"all the small things"

and all of a sudden, I'm like,

"I've got the tiniestdick in the world!

"My dick is super small!

"It looks giganticin her dainty hands,

but not in herhuge pussy, evidently."

We did a lot of finger-bangingup to that point.

It was just, like,a year and a half of, "la!"

Stupid.

She's gonna be so embarrassed.

Hi, Chelsea.And, uh...

[cheers and applause]

And, but--so I was, like, kindof nervous and embarrassed,

and then I heard"all the small things,"

and in my dumb [bleep] brain,I was like,

"this is a perfect timefor a joke

to get me outof this tricky situation."

And I looked right at heras we're making love,

and I go, "Huh, more like allthe medium-sized things, right?"

And then she wiggleduncomfortably, and I [bleep].

That's all.It was awkward.

So let's take a tripback in time...

[cheers and applause]

With Blink-182's"All The Small Things."

[Blink-182's "All The SmallThings" playing]

♪ All the small things

♪ True care truth brings

♪ I'll take one lift ♪

♪ Your ride best trip

♪ Always I know

♪ You'll be ♪

♪ At my show

♪ Watching, waiting

♪ Commiserating

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go

♪ Turn the lights off

♪ Carry me home

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Everybody!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na,na, na ♪

So at this point in the story,

I forgot a condom,I had to go next door,

and ask my brother,who was two years younger,

to borrow a condom.

With a mouth full of braces,he's like,

"Oh, my God, I'm so happyyou're losing your virginity!"

♪ Late night come home

♪ Work sucks I know

♪ She left me rosesby the stairs ♪

Oh, thank you.

♪ Surprises let me knowshe cares ♪

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go

♪ Turn the lights off

♪ Carry me home

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na,na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na,na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na,na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na,na, na, na ♪

So now,I was just standing there.

She'd never let mehave sex with her again.

So I was like, "Please,I'll do better next time!

"You've got to let medo it again.

"At least give metwo more times.

"Give me six more times,

"and I'll get better,I swear to God.

Give me a dozen times, and I'llbe a goddamn porn star, please!"

She looked at me right in theeye, and she said,

"Let's try it again."

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go

♪ Turn the lights off

♪ Carry me home

♪ Keep your head still

♪ I'll be your thrill ♪

♪ The night will go on

♪ My little windmill

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go

♪ Turn the lights off

♪ Carry me home

♪ Keep your head still

♪ I'll be your thrill ♪

♪ The night will go on

♪ The night will go on

♪ My little windmill

[cheers and applause]