if you guys wantto hear that story.
Good story.[cheers and applause]
I have a million of these.
I was in Montana,doing a show.
I love Montana.Big sky country, you know.
It's beautiful up there.And it's all these cowboys.
Good times.I'm partying with the cowboys.
And it's just a seaof cowboys.
And I'm a giant.You guys can't tell,
'cause there's distance,and I'm proportional.
But I'm 6'7".Seven.
It's, like, 1 in 10,000 peopleare that tall.
I'm gigantic.I'm 240 pounds.
Look at this.Look at that.
See that?See that?
Fucking heat, heat.
Massive human being.
So I'm huge.
I guarantee--you guys in thecrowd are like, "You're not--"
I swear to God,if you stood next to--
it's insane how big I am.
And that's part of the story.
So I'm doing this show.
Afterwards,I'm around a sea of cowboys.
And it's really awkwardfor me
when heroic menare very, very short to me.
Like, I, you know--give it upfor the military, by the way.
I've done military,USO shows.
You know, these heroes,firemen, cops,
these people that are betterthan me as men.
Like, a cowboy's clearlya better man than me, right?
And they're just like,"Great show, man."
So I nervously start makingjokes out of it.
I'm like,"Hey, little buddies."
And then I startdoing jokes.
I'm like, "I'm Gargamel!You're my Smurfs!"
You know, I'm like,"Grr! Where's my Smurfs?"
And I'm chasingthese little bastards around.
And I'm making more jokes.
I'm just like, "I'm Gulliver.
Where's your leader?"You know?
And they're laughing, 'causethey're fu--they're awesome.
And then we start drinkingreal hard,
'cause I can drinkpretty hard.
And I'm a really fun drunk.
I'm not oneof those weird drunks.
I get so happy that I,
like, try to high-five the moonand fall down.
Like, I'm that guy."We're gonna live forever."
You know, just, like--
And so I'm still aroundall these little people.
And I just am sticking out.
But they're so friendly to me,and they're having fun,
so I feel safe.
So I start developinga character.
You know, I'm an actor.I'm like, "All right.
What am I?"I'm like, "I'm a bear."
So I'm, like,looking at the Montana moon.
I'm like, "I'm a big bear.You're my cubs."
You know, and I'm just like--
So I get more and moreinto this character.
I'm like, "I'm scratchingmy back on a big oak tree.
Where's the salmon?"You know, I'm pulling salmon,
like, fake salmon out of a riverin a bar that doesn't exist.
And it keeps gettingmore and more crazy
until I'm just hugging people.
Not tickling, hugging.
And I'm like, "Bear hug.I love you."
And then finallyone of the cowboys is like,
"You got to calm it down,big bear."
I'm like, "Why?"He's like,
"You're gettinga little crazy out there."
And so I'm like, "All right."
And then I finally just go,
"The big beardoesn't calm down."
And I just break a table.
And all of a sudden,I just feel crazy burning.
And a dude just sprays mewith bear mace.
Like, legit--not mace,bear mace.
And so I just cave.And the next day on Facebook,
he sends me a message, "Sorryabout macing you. Ha, ha."