Mike Birbiglia - Jitters

  • Season 12, Ep 10
  • 02/07/2008
  • Views: 19,323

Mike threw up before his first stand-up performance. (2:49)

SO I'M BACKSTAGE,

WHICH WAS JUST LIKE THE SIDEWALK OF A STRIPMALL

- AND...- [LAUGHTER]

I'M SCARED TO DEATH 'CAUSE I'MSUPPOSED TO PERFORM 30 MINUTES

AND I HAVE, LIKE,11 MINUTES TOPS.

AND THE TRUTH IS,I ONLY HAD SIX TOPICS.

I HAD LIKE A NOTE CARDLIKE THIS.

THIS ISN'T THE ACTUAL ONE,BUT IT WAS-- THIS WAS FROM LIKE

A COUPLE MONTHS LATER.BUT-- AND IT HAD SIX TOPICS

AND IT SAID TELETUBBIES,COOKIE MONSTER,

AH-- WHO WANTS TO BEA MILLIONAIRE,

- AH-- STICK INSECTS--- [LAUGHTER]

NOT-- NOT LIKE STICK BUGS.SOMETIMES PEOPLE CONFUSE THAT.

- THEY'RE LIKE, STICK IN SEX.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M BACKSTAGE AND I'M ONTHE SIDEWALK AT A STRIP MALL

AND I'M REALIZING THATTHIS ISN'T GONNA GO VERY WELL.

AND I SAY TO THE COMEDIANWHO'S, LIKE, THE HEADLINER,THIS GUY GREG. I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT HAPPENSIF I RUN OUT OF MATERIAL?"

AND HE WAS, LIKE, "OH,JUST MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS, LIKE,"WHENEVER I DO THAT,

- THEY PUNCH ME IN THE FACE."- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND SO I'M ON THE SIDEWALKAND I'M LIKE, SCARED TO DEATH.

AND THEY OPEN THE DOORAND THEY GO, "MIKE, YOU'RE ON."

AND THEN, I SWEAR TO GOD,I TURN AROUND

AND I THROW UP ON THE SIDEWALK

BECAUSE MY BODYDIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

IT WAS LIKE,"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LET'S GET RID OF SOME FOOD,"YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I THREW UP.AND THEN I WALKED ON STAGE.

AS I HEARD THEM SAY,"PLEASE WELCOME MIKE BAHOOSKI."

AND I WAS SO MAD.IN MY HEAD I WAS LIKE,"YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY!

"YOU JUST SAID "B" AND THENWHATEVER YOU COULD THINK OF.

AND YOU MADE ME POLISH.THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC CHOICE."

- YOU KNOW?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I WENT ON AND I DID FOUR MINUTES OF COMEDY.

AND IT WAS--I WAS AWFUL.

AND I WALK OFF AND I GO TOTHE MANAGER OF THE BAR'S OFFICE.

IT'S JUST LIKEA CLOSET, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS JUST LIKE THISLITTLE TEENY ROOM.

AND I THOUGHT THATHE MIGHT HAVE A GUN.

OR LIKE HE'D LIKEPUNCH ME IN THE FACE OR WHATEVER'CAUSE THAT HAPPENS.

BUT HE DIDN'T.HE HANDED ME $50. YEAH.

AND THEN HE GOES,"DO YOU HAVE AN 8 BY 10PHOTOGRAPH OF YOURSELF?"

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