- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Lawrence.
- My pre-show ritual is to listen to Lionel Richie's
"Dancing on the Ceiling" abunch of times because in order
to do that you have to be able to control space and time,
and I think I accomplishthat with my dick jokes.
My dick's like Nicolas Cage
because it'll be in anything.
For someone in this room, this is exactly
what they wanted comedy to be.
The first time that I really bombed
was actually three weeks in.
I was at a lesbian bar and I did breast cancer jokes
and they threw beer bottles at me and tried to kill me,
and it's the most alivethat I've ever felt
and probably thereason I still do this.
Let's be really honest here.
You can tell that I've lived a rough life, all right?
It's hard to look like a virgin, but also look like you
just buried your wife at the same time.
Literally, I called my dad 15 minutes ago to have him
wish me good luck tonight and he said,
"Oh, are you doing something tonight?" (laughs)
Like I won't say my dad issues are bad,
but I know I'm going through dad issues because I watch
the movie Finding Nemo everyday, but I turn it off
10 minutes before the end when they reunite
because that's not howreal life fucking works.
He's not here yet, but he's standing all the way
in the balcony waiting to slow clap when I'm done, right?
We practiced this.
When my dad eventually sees my half hour
because he's not here, he would just hold me,
rub my head, and say, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."
I'm working on a book right now,
"The 50 Shades of Unfuckable."
The name of my stand-upcomedy memoir will be,
"I Need This" and then the subtitle will be,
"No, I Really Fucking Need This."
I think that captures the feeling of being a comic the most.