So, yesterday, yesterday,we talked about Black Friday,
which was followedby Small-Business Saturday,
followed by (bleep) It Sunday,and then Cyber Monday.
So our entire calendarhas become
this capitalist holy week.
Soon we're gonna be walkingaround with dollar signs
drawn in ash on our foreheads,
and we're gonna knowit's around Thanksgiving.
But, luckily, today is a breakfrom the consumerist madness,
-because it's Giving Tuesday.-(audience sighing)
-It's Giving Tuesday.-(angelic music plays)
-Oh, yeah, there's the, uh...Yeah. -(applause and cheering)
No thank you.
Today, we can all do our partfor sick kids,
sick animals, sick tax breaks.
There are a ton of greatcharities out there,
and people online are reallygetting into the spirit.
Why, he Gates Foundationeven pledged
to match donations madeon Facebook up to $500,000,
which is what Bill Gates just,like, found in his jeans
-before he threw 'em inthe (bleep) laundry. -(laughter)
But, comedians, comedians,
since our calendar has becomea Simon Says of pushy holidays,
what are some other social mediadays to fill out our week?
Self-Suck Saturday where you...
-Where you what?-I've never
said thison American television.
Self-Suck Saturday,where you take
a moment every week to learn how
to go down on yourselves,ladies and gentlemen.
HARDWICK:Yes, excellent. Fantastic.
-One day a week.-(applause and cheering)
I thank you and...
-thank you.-HARDWICK: And if you figure
that out on Saturday,it turns into
"I quit my jobMonday through Friday."
-Anyone else?-CARVEY: Get a grip on yourself!
HARDWICK: Get a grip...I have a grip on myself.
-I'm trying to get a mouthon myself. -(laughter) -What?
I have Freaky Friday
where you switch bodies withyour dad and (bleep) your mom.
-HARDWICK: All right, great,great. -(groaning & laughter)
(scattered applause, groaning)
-Is this on television?-HARDWICK: Yes. -(laughter)
Is this an online show or what?
I couldn't say "penis"
-when I did SNL. -HARDWICK: I know. Now...
-I had to say, "naughtybulbous area." -(laughter)
Which sounded worse than "penis."
-Chelsea.-My holiday is...
(bleep) is tomorrow Christmas?
I am not done shopping.I haven't started wrapping.
Why is everything so stressfulSaturday.
HARDWICK:All right. Perfect.