(hip hop music)
- [Announcer] Ladies andgentlemen, Andy Haynes!
- My pre-show rituals are a lot of pacing
and then usually like asolid hour of dancing,
just mix it up.
And then I make myself throw up,
just 'cause I wannalook thin and desirable.
We all think that models are like really attractive
'cause we see them in amagazine or on a runway
and there's a team of robots that put them together.
But when you see a model on a Sunday morning at 8 a.m.
it just looks like a really tall tired little boy.
You can get a model to eat out of your hand though.
You just have to have cocaine and money.
And then just like as much drugs as I can put in my face.
I like pot because you can work high.
Did you guys know that?
You can go to work high.
And here's the secret about it.
If you go to workhigh, you didn't really
go to work, did you?
They even each other out, you just hung out someplace.
The worst set I ever had...
Oh man that's a hard one.
We should lighten it up a little bit.
Do you guys remember 9/11?
(man in audience boos)
Yeah I say the same thing.
Boo to 9/11.
If you guys wanna see me get beat up after the show...
It'll be by all the guyswith the Celtic tattoos.
The shadiest room Iever played was a casino
in Pasco, Washington, where they didn't have
an official show, they just had this room
that they put free pizza in.
And then you were supposed to tell jokes
while gambling addicts and drunks
came and got their pizza.
But all the comics that stayed there
left an additional piece of porn
underneath the mattress so...
We all know hotel sex is the best sex.
I think it's cause thefurniture doesn't belong
to anybody, it's everybody's.
And that means put your ass on things
and put things in your ass.
Go for it!
It doesn't matter, that's what your deposit's for.
I think one time somebody told me with a big show like this
they said, "don't get nervous for this kind of show
because this is like the reward
for every other show."
So those are the shows that you could get nervous on
and then this is the show to enjoy.
(hip hop music)