Todd Glass - High in the Mall

  • Season 5 , Ep 16
  • 10/14/2001
  • Views: 1,728

Looking at a guy who just bought a tree looks a lot different when you're high. (2:26)

AND HE, AH, HE DIDN'T BELIEVE

THAT I'D NEVER SMOKED POT.

SO ABOUT A YEAR AGO WE WENT TO

THE MALL, AND WE GOT HIGH.

UM, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I CAN DO

IT BECAUSE OF THESE PLANTS THAT

ARE HERE.

UM, SO THERE WAS A GUY, I,

THIS IS A TRUE STORY I SWEAR TO

YOU.

THERE WAS A GUY AT PIER ONE

IMPORTS PROBABLY BOUGHT A TREE--

HE BOUGHT A TREE.

AND IF YOU WEREN'T HIGH,

IT LOOKED TOTALLY NORMAL.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST BOUGHT A

TREE AND WAS CARRYING IT OUT OF

THE MALL.

NO BIG DEAL.

BUT BECAUSE I WAS HIGH,

MY BROTHER GOES, TODD, LOOK HE'S

HIDING FROM THE COPS.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER...

YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER, WHERE

YOU'RE LIKE, SHUT UP, I'M GONNA

(BLEEP) IN MY PANTS!

AND IT FEELS GOOD, IT FEELS GOOD

TO LAUGH THAT HARD.

I SEE YA KNOW THAT GUY OVER

THERE IN THE BLACK JACKET?

AND MY BROTHER, HE WOULDN'T

STOP, HE'S LIKE, LOOK THAT GUY'S

HIDING FROM THE COPS.

UH, BOY DID WE HAVE FUN.

DOZE WERE DU DAYS.

AH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

SPEAKING OF GETTING HIGH,

I'D LIKE TO DO AN IMPRESSION

RIGHT NOW.

UM, I'D LIKE TO DO, YOU KNOW

WHAT, YELL OUT ANY IMPRESSION

THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR AND

I'LL DO IT AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

YELL OUT ANYBODY.

(AUDIENCE YELLS OUT NAMES)

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

HOW ABOUT I DO A GAY GUY

LOST IN A WAREHOUSE?

I KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU YELL OUT BUT I KNOW WHATCHA,

I KNOW WHATCHA YA WANT.

HEY, STEVE.

GET A LITTLE TAP DANCE MUSIC

READY AFTER THIS.

I NEED A LOT FOR MY JOKES,

TAP DANCE, ANYTHING.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE GOOD

QUALITY JOKES?

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE TRIED, IT'S VERY HARD.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I'VE TRIED TO HAVE LIKE,

YOU KNOW, OTHER THINGS GOING ON

THAT'S SO YA KNOW SO YOU FORGET

ABOUT THE JOKES.

OH, HE'S TAP DANCE, OH, OH,

WHAT'S HE DOING?

UM, YOU KNOW, SMOKE MACHINE,

I THROW RAZZLES AT THE AUDIENCE,

WHATEVER.

UM, RAZZLES?

WHAT A REFERENCE.

UM, OKAY, I'LL DO MY IMPRESSION

OF A GAY, A VERY GAY MAN LOST IN

A WAREHOUSE.

(CLEARS THROAT)

OH MY GOD, I'M LOST IN A

WAREHOUSE, THIS IS GREAT!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

HEY, ANDY.

EVERYBODY LOVES A LITTLE SOFT

SHOE, GET CLOSE ON THAT.

NOW THEY'RE GONNA KNOW I'M NOT

TAP DANCING.

STEVE ROSENTHAL LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, HE'S BEEN WITH ME...

(APPLAUSE)

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