Wayne Federman - Fast Food

Kenny, Sanchez, Sykes, Hedberg, Jackson Season 2, Ep 2002 05/23/1998 Views: 1,330

Wayne Federman lists all of the reasons why he loves Taco Bell. (2:55)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW MY CAREER--I LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT,I'M AT THE GYM NOW.

I HATE THE PEOPLETHAT WORK AT THE GYM,

BECAUSE THEY'REWAY TOO ENTHUSIASTICABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL,

AND ABOUT BODY-FAT PERCENTAGEIN PARTICULAR.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOUGONNA TARGET TODAY ?

"YOUR LATSOR YOUR QUADS ?

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WORK ON,YOUR DELTS ?"

I'M GONNA WORK ONGETTING LAID.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

IF YOU JUST POINT ME TOTHAT MACHINE, PLEASE.

AND THEY ALWAYS COME BYWITH THE MOST INANE ADVICE.

"HEY, DON'T FORGETTO BREATHE."

OH, THANK YOU,I ALWAYS FORGET THATA FEW TIMES A DAY.

I COLLAPSE AND PEOPLEHAVE TO REVIVE ME.

CAN YOU COME BACK IN A MINUTEAND REMIND ME TO BLINK ?

BECAUSE MY RETINAS START BURNINGUNLESS I HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU

TO HELP ME THROUGH THE DAY.

I KNOW THAT I DON'THAVE A GOOD DIET.

I ENJOY THE FAST FOOD.

AND MY FAVORITE OF ALLTHE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS,

IT MIGHT BEA LITTLE SURPRISING...

"THE BELL," TACO BELL.

I LIKE "THE BELL"FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

ONE, THE BEAUTIFULDINING ROOM.

TWO--I FEEL VERY WEALTHY ORDERINGFOOD AT THAT RESTAURANT.

"WHAT AM I ROCKEFELLER,HOW DID THIS HAPPEN ?"

OF COURSE, MY FAVORITE THINGABOUT "THE BELL,"

IT'S THE MOST CREATIVEOF ALL THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS

'CAUSE THEY MAKE, BASICALLY,THREE ITEMS.

AND THEN THEY CROSS-BREED,HYBRID, MUTATE THEM,

SLAP ON A CLEVERMARKETING NAME.

LIKE THE "DOUBLE DECKER" ?

IT'S A SINGLE, HARD-SHELL TACOWRAPPED BY A SOFT TORTILLA.

BUT HERE'S THE GENIUS,IN BETWEEN,

THEY PUT IN REFRIED BEANS,TO ACT AS AN ADHESIVE--

LIKE A GASKET.

IT'S NOT ONLY A TASTY TREAT,IT'S A SWEET PIECEOF ENGINEERING.

THERE'S ONE FOOD I WON'T EAT,WHICH IS THE HOT DOGAT A MOVIE THEATER,

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THERE'S NOU.S.D.A. PREPARATION GUIDELINES.

IT USED TO BE IMPALED ON SPEARSROTATING INSIDE A "TIMEX" CASE.

SUDDENLY THAT'S GONE.

REPLACED BY THE FOOT-MASSAGE,LOG-ROLL JAMBOREE.

AND THEY NEVER LOOKLIKE THEY'RE COOKING,

THEY JUST LOOK LIKETHEY'RE SWEATING.

SOMETHING VERY...WRONG.