Jeff Garcia - Cops

  • Season 10 , Ep 23
  • 05/04/2006
  • Views: 42,038

If Jeff gets one more DUI, he has to teach the class. (3:47)

[BLEEP] HATE COPS, DUDE. I SWEAR, MAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU LOVE THE COPS.

YOU'RE LIKE, "THEY'RE COMMUNITY SERVANTS; THEY'RE GREAT.

WHEN YOU'RE IN TROUBLE,YOU CALL 'EM."

'CAUSE THEY DON'T KICK YOUR ASS, THAT'S WHY.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN CARE WHEN THEY'RE PULLED OVER, HUH?

YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WHITE PERSON WHEN THEY GET PULLED OVER?

LIKE, BLIP. "OH, DARN IT. ANOTHER WARNING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ANOTHER THING.ALL THEY GET IS "BLIP."JUST ONE, HUH?

BLIP. BLIP.WHAT DO WE GET?

AAAEEEEERRRRRR!AH AH AH AH AH!

[LAUGHTER]

"GET OUTTA THE CAR!" "I'M ON A BIKE. I'M ON A BIKE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HE'S ARGUIN', SARGE. CAN I SHOOT 'EM?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TRIED TO GIVE ME A DUI MY CAR WASN'T EVEN STARTED.

AS I GET IN, BLIP! "WAIT, WAIT."

- BLIP! "WAIT."- [LAUGHTER]

BLIP! "WAIT."

VROOM. VROOOO. "NOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT BAD LUCK WITH DUI'S, DUDE.

IF I GET ANOTHER DUI, I GOTTA TEACH THAT CLASS.

- IT SUCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

IT SUCKS, DUDE.YOU KNOW THEY CAUGHT ME BY MY HOUSE, DUDE.

I WAS A BLOCK FROM MY HOUSE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUCKS?

I COULD SEE MY HOU-- BLIP. "NO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY PUT ME IN THE BACK OF THE CAR AND DROVE BY HOUSE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUCKS?

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S MY HOUSE. THAT'S MY HOUSE."

YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE I WAS? I HIT THE GARAGE CLICKER.

- MY DOOR WAS GOING UP. - [LAUGHTER]

MY FRIEND GOT A DUI IN HIS DRIVEWAY, NO LIE, DUDE.

WE PULLED IN. BLIP. "WHAT THE HELL? I'M HOME."

THAT'S NOT FAIR, DUDE. THERE SHOULD BE A LAW.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOU TOUCHED THE TREE AND WENT, "SAFE"?

THAT SHOULD BE YOUR HOUSE. YOU SEE A COP CAR, "SAFE!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

COPS SHOULD SAY, "DAMN.""HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUNCH OF UNFAIR LAWS. I'M RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO IF YOU SEE ME ON A BALLOT, VOTE FOR ME.

- WHAT? CALIFORNIA.- YEAH!

SO IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, VOTE FOR ME.

IF ARNOLD COULD WIN, I COULD WIN.

I'M NOT GONNA GO DOBIG ISSUES-- ABORTION?I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I HAVE A PENIS. I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

THAT'S WOMEN'S-- I DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS, WHATEVER. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO,PUT A DRUNK LANE ON THE FREEWAY,

A LANE FOR DRUNKS. PUT FOAM ON THE SIDE.

DUUT! DUUT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO MORE BORDER PATROL. WELL, I'LL KEEP BORDER PATROL,

BUT THEY WON'T HAVE GUNS NO MORE.

THEY'LL JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,YOU CAN'T GET SHOT AT THE BORDER

WHEN YOU'RE TRYIN' TO SNEAK OVER.

EVERY DAY WE'RE GONNA PLAY ONE BIG GAME OF RED ROVER.

RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND PEPE RIGHT OVER.

AND IF YOU BREAK THROUGH, YOU CAN STAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT THE WHITE PEOPLE,"NO. NO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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