Anthony Jeselnik - Shakespeare

  • Season 13 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 53,855

If it wasn't for William Shakespeare, Anthony would have totally over-reacted when his bride-to-be killed herself. (2:48)

I RAN FOR CLASS PRESIDENT,

AND I LOST TO A GIRLIN A WHEELCHAIR.

NO, I'M NOT ASHAMED.

I KNOW SHE DEFINITELY GOTTHE SYMPATHY VOTE,

BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I RANA REALLY NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"VOTE FOR ANTHONY.

HIS IDEAS HAVE LEGS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE SHAKESPEARE.

WHOO!WHOO!

[ CHUCKLES ]

FAVORITE SUBJECT IN COLLEGE.

STILL READ SHAKESPEARE TODAY.

AND PEOPLE COMPLAIN TO METHAT IT'S IMPRACTICAL

TO KNOW SO MUCHABOUT SHAKESPEARE.

BUT LET ME LEARN YOU SOMETHING.

IF IT WASN'TFOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,

I WOULD HAVETOTALLY OVERREACTED

WHEN MY FIANCĂ©E KILLED HERSELF.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW, IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGHAT THAT PARTICULAR JOKE,

IT'S OKAY.

YOU GET A PASS.

I UNDERSTAND I'M NOTFOR EVERYBODY.

BUT YOU SHOULDPROBABLY READ MORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDSIS BLIND.

HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEEANYTHING HIS ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT HE CAN HEAR A HUMMINGBIRDFROM 50 YARDS AWAY.

I MEAN, TALK ABOUT WORTHLESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS IN A FRATERNITYIN COLLEGE.

YOU GUYS CAN PROBABLY TELLI'M PRETTY COOL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ONE OFMY FRATERNITY BROTHERS

WAS THIS GUY NAMED CLUMSY.

IT WASN'T HIS REAL NAME,

BUT THE GUY WAS CLUMSY,ALL RIGHT?

ONE DAY, CLUMSY TELLS USHE WANTS TO BUY A GUN,

AND WE ALL SAY, "NO, CLUMSY,DON'T DO IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF."

BUT CLUMSY DOESN'T LISTEN.

SURE ENOUGH, THE DAY HE BROUGHTTHE GUN HOME,

CLUMSY KILLED HIMSELF...

BECAUSE HE HATED THAT NICKNAME.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKINGTO YOURSELF,

"ANTHONY, TWO JOKES ABOUTSUICIDE IN A COMEDY SET?"

DON'T WORRY.

MY SET'S NOT OVER YET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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