Chelsea Handler - Whole Lesbian Scene

  • Season 11 , Ep 13
  • 03/08/2007
  • Views: 42,169

Chelsea's father doesn't want people to think she's a lesbian. (3:40)

AND THEN YOUR FRIENDS WHEN THEY GET MARRIED YOU KNOW

THEY FEEL SO BAD FOR YOUR SINGLE PEOPLE-- THEY'RE LIKE,

OH, CHELSEA, IT'S SO SAD, YOU'RE ALWAYS SLEEPING WITH

STRANGE GUYS AND HOOKING UP, IT'S SO SAD, IT'S SO SAD.

LIKE, IT'S ACTUALLYCALLED HAPPY HOUR, OKAY,SO IT'S NOT THAT SAD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OR THEY COME OVER AND THEY GO,

"WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER ON FRIDAY NIGHT,

WE'RE GONNA HAVEA BUNCH OF PEOPLE OVER,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE GAME NIGHT, IT'S GONNA BE NUTTY."

GAME-- UNLESS WE'RE PLAYING WHO'S HIDING THE ECSTASY

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT, OKAY, 'CAUSE THAT'S MY FAVORITE GAME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

GAME NIGHT, I'D RATHER TAKE A BUBBLE BATH WITH MY FATHER,

- OKAY? - [LAUGHTER]

SPEAKING OF SHAMU. MY FATHER'S BALD,

WEIGHS 250 POUNDS,AND PEES IN OUR DRIVEWAYLIKE A GERMAN SHEPHERD.

SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE HIM TO COSTA RICA THIS SUMMER

'CAUSE MY MOM PASSED AWAY A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,

AND I THOUGHT IT'D BE A NICE TIME TO BOND WITH MY FATHER.

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM, BITCH TITS.

AND-- I WAS EXPECTING TO BOND WITH MY DAD.

WHAT I WASN'T EXPECTINGWAS FOR PEOPLE TO THINK WE WERE A COUPLE.

IT STARTED WHEN WE GOTUPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS,

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS A COURTESY, AND I LATER FOUND OUT

THEY THOUGHT WE WERE ON OUR HONEYMOON 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD THEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS AFTER HIM CAUSING A HUGE STINK

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'TLET HIM BRING HIS COMPUTER ON THE PLANE,

IT'S A DESKTOP. OKAY?

THIS IS WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.

HE'S LIKE IT'S BETTER THEY THINK WE'RE A COUPLE

THEN THEY THINK YOU'RE A LESBIAN.

I'M LIKE-- FIRST OF ALL DAD, YOU POINTING AT YOUR PENIS

IS NOT THE INTERNATIONAL SIGN FOR A LESBIAN, OKAY?

AND I'M NOT A LESBIAN. OKAY-- I HAVE A SISTER

WHO'S ON A VOLLEYBALL TEAM THAT PRACTICES INDOORS.

SO IF ANYONE'S A LESBIAN, IT'S NOT [BLEEP] ME. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BELIEVE ME, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT BECOMING A LESBIAN, THOSE BITCHES LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE HAVING A HELL OF A TIME, DON'T THEY?

GETTING ALL DRUNK AND GOING [BLEEP] HUNTING AND [BLEEP].

IT'S LIKE-- YEAH-- YEAH--

THEN YOU GOT TO GET INTOTHE WHOLE LESBIAN SCENE,

YOU KNOW, AND GO BUY LIKE HIKING BOOTS AND A TRUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

- AND THEN WHO PAYS FOR [BLEEP]?- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I GUESS THE GUY WHO'S WATCHING, BUT WHAT IF HE'S NOT THERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT IF HE CAN'T MAKE IT?

SO MY DAD'S LIKE, YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN, ARE YOU?

I'M LIKE, NO. I SLEEP WITH GUYS ALL THE TIME.

HE'S LIKE-- WELL, YOU'RE NOT A HOOKER, ARE YOU?

I'M LIKE, NO, I DON'T CHARGE PEOPLE. I'M LIKE, AND BY THE WAY,

CAN YOU STOP, LIKE, POINTING AT YOUR PENIS

'CAUSE YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT. I GUESS I SHOULD'VE BEEN HAPPY,

HE'S LIKE-- YOU'RE NOT A HOOKER, ARE YOU?

I LIKE TO SPANK MYSELF ON STAGE,

MOSTLY 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO GET SPANKED IN THE BEDROOM.

BOYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT NEWSLETTER ALL OF YOU GOT

TELLING YOU WE LIKE TO GET HIT WHEN [BLEEP] GOING DOWN. OKAY?

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO DISCUSS WITH US, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SO DEMORALIZING, LADIES, ISN'T IT?

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A MOMENT WITH SOME-- MEXICAN-- OR WHOEVER

YOU'RE PARTIAL TO, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN YOU FEEL THAT HAND ON YOUR ASS, YOU'RE LIKE, OH MY GOD, JUST HIT ME?

- I THOUGHT I WAS DOING BUENO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GO UPTO MAKE HIM A QUESADILLA

WHEN YOU'RE DONEOR SOME [BLEEP].

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