Bill Burr - MTV Cribs

  • Season 7 , Ep 2
  • 02/13/2003
  • Views: 25,121

Watching "MTV Cribs" makes Bill feel like a loser. (2:20)

I'M A LOSER, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING?I SITTING AROUND.

I WAS WATCHING THAT SHOWMTV CRIBS.

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SHOW?

YOU KNOW, THAT SHOWWHERE THEY SHOW

ALL THE ROCK STARS'AND THE RAPPERS' HOUSES

AND ALL THEIR STUFF?

DOESN'T THAT SHOWMAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A LOSER?

KILLS MY SELF-ESTEEM.

I'M SITTING THERE WATCHINGBRITNEY SPEARS.

SHE'S, LIKE, 20 YEARS OLD.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,THIS IS MY HELICOPTER.

"I HAD IT SPRAY-PAINTED PINKTO MATCH MY TOP TODAY.

"SO COOL.

"I PUT SOME GLITTERON DUT-DUT-DUT-DUT-DUT PART.

WE'RE GONNA FLYUP TO THE HOUSE."

I'M 34, SITTING ON A FUTON,EATING MACARONI AND CHEESE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.

"I'M A LOSER!

I'LL NEVER OWN A HELICOPTER!"

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVEABOUT THAT SHOW THOUGH?

ALL THEY'RE DOINGIS SHOWING YOU WHAT NOT TO DO

WHEN YOU GET RICH.

SERIOUSLY,'CAUSE NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

ARE SAVING THEIR MONEY.

HALF OF 'EM,ALL THEY HAVE IS ONE HIT ALBUM,

SO SHOULD THEY REALLYBE BUYING ALL OF THAT STUFF?

20-ROOM HOUSE.17 CARS.

IT'S JUST LIKE,"DUDE, DON'T YOU WATCH

"BEHIND THE MUSIC?

"HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHINGFROM THAT PROGRAM?

"YOU'RE GONNA BE SMOKING CRACKIN, LIKE, SIX WEEKS.

SAVE YOUR MONEY."

NO, THEY'RE DUMB.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, MAN,

IF YOU WANT TO KNOWHOW TO BE RICH,

DON'T LOOK AT A RAPPER,DON'T LOOK AT A ROCK STAR,

LOOK AT A GUY LIKE BILL GATES.

THAT DUDE IS SO GOODAT BEING RICH

IT'S, LIKE, IRRITATING.

HE MAKES, LIKE,$30 MILLION A DAY,

AND LOOK AT HIM.

HE DRESSES LIKEHE WORKS IN, LIKE, A SHOE STORE,

BUT THAT'S WHYHE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE RICH.

HE'S NOT SHOWING OFF,TRYING TO, LIKE,

BUY ALL THIS FLASHY STUFF,

LIKE WALKING AROUND WITH, LIKE,A ICED-OUT LAPTOP MEDALLION

HANGING OFF HIS NECK,

HAVE SOME FUZZY PIMP HATTO THE SIDE,

SITTING IN A HOT TUBWITH SOME BITCHES, YOU KNOW,

HAVE A MIDGET IN HIS CREWJUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

[laughter and applause]

HAVE YOU NOTICEDTHAT'S THE NEW STATUS SYMBOL

OF RICH PEOPLE--MIDGETS.

I'M SERIOUS.

NO ENTOURAGE IS COMPLETE NOWUNLESS YOU HAVE A MIDGET.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S GOOD FOR MIDGETS.

SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE HISTORICALLY,

THOSE PEOPLEHAVE NOT GOTTEN GOOD JOBS.

EVEN WHEN THEY BOOK A MOVIE,THEY NEVER GET TO BE THE LEAD,

NEVER GET TO BE THE HERO.

THEY ALWAYS GOT TO PLAY,LIKE, A TROLL OR A FAIRY

RUNNING OUT FROM UNDER A BRIDGE,BITING ON SOMEBODY'S LEG.

[gnashing]

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