Joey Kola - Never Angry

  • Season 7, Ep 21
  • 07/10/2003
  • Views: 3,787

Joey's son can't have a cookie for breakfast, but he can have waffles and whipped cream. (3:17)

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE,

I GOTTA TELL YA.

THIS IS MY FIRST

"COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS"

AND I'M DIGGIN' IT AND

I'M HAPPY, HAPPY TO BE HERE.

NOT ONLY BECAUSE I'M DOIN'

COMEDY, WHICH IS WHAT I LOVE.

BUT I'M A HUSBAND AND A FATHER,

NEW MILLENNIUM, I GOTTA BE

HAPPY.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE MAD.

WE'RE NOT.

WE GOT SOME FATHERS AND HUSBANDS

AND STUFF OUT HERE?

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GET MAD.

SEE, I GREW UP IN THE '70s.

MY FATHER GOT MAD, HE THREW

A SHOVEL THROUGH THE FRIGGIN'

WALL.

WHATEVER WE DID TO MAKE THAT

HAPPEN NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN.

NOW I GET MAD, I'M ON PROZAC,

ZOLOFT.

I'M IN ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES.

I GOTTA GO TO THERAPY AND RELIVE

THE EVENT 14 TIMES SO AS NOT TO

THROUGH OFF THE DELICATE HARMONY

IN MY FAMILY.

EVEN IF IT'S A LEGITIMATE

FRIGGIN' REASON TO GET MAD.

LIKE NOW WE GOT A NEW CARPET

IN THE HOUSE, NOW MY WIFE'S

THE CARPET MAFIA.

YOU WALK IN THE HOUSE,

GOTTA TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,

GOTTA PUT ANOTHER OUTFIT ON LIKE

YOU GOT HOOF-AND-MOUTH DISEASE.

YET HER PRECIOUS DOG CAN GO IN

THE BACKYARD, CRAP, COME BACK

IN THE HOUSE, PUT HIS ASS

ON THE CARPET, BACK LEGS UP,

DRAG HIS ASS ACROSS THE CARPET

LEAVIN' A LINE OF POOP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY SNEAKERS ARE TOO DIRTY.

AM I MAD?

NO, I'M HAPPY!

'CAUSE THE RULES HAVE CHANGED,

LADIES, AND NO ONE TOLD US

THEY WERE GONNA CHANGE.

WE WATCHED OUR FATHERS.

YOU HAVE THE WIFE AND THE

HUSBAND.

YOU BUY A HOUSE, AND YOU LIVED

THERE.

YOU SUPPOSEDLY LIVED THE

AMERICAN DREAM.

WELL, THOSE RULES HAVE CHANGED.

MY FATHER NEVER HAD A MINIVAN.

HE HAD A '68 CHRYSLER,

VINYL SEATS.

HE MADE A TURN, MY BROTHER AND I

HAGGED THE WINDOW, HE DIDN'T

CARE.

HE WAS TRYIN' TO LOSE US.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW MY KIDS ARE STRAPPED IN

SO TIGHT, YOU KNOW WITH THE

SEATBELTS, REMEMBER THOSE BIG

METAL BUCKLES WE HAD?

IT WAS LIKE ROMAN GLADIATORS IN

THE BACKSEAT OF MY FATHER'S CAR.

MY FATHER WAS SMOKIN', DRINKIN',

THERE WAS DOGS IN THE BACKSEAT,

HE DIDN'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER]

MY KIDS ARE STRAPPED IN

SO TIGHT.

"DADDY, ARE WE THERE YET?"

"NO."

"CAN YOU SCRATCH MY NOSE THEN

'CAUSE I CAN'T MOVE BACK HERE,

DAMNIT."

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T TAKE IT.

MY WIFE CAN TAKE IT.

SHE TOOK MY SON TO COSTCO.

BOUGHT 14 POUNDS OF OREOS.

SAVED US MONEY SOMEHOW, I DON'T

KNOW HOW.

[LAUGHTER]

THE COUPON QUEEN WORKED THAT

OUT.

BUT AS FAR AS OREO'S CONCERNED,

OH, BOY, DID SHE GET OVER ON

THEM.

SHE BUYS 14 POUNDS OF OREOS,

BRINGS 'EM HOME, PUTS 'EM

IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

NEXT DAY, MY SON WAKES UP,

HE WANTS A COOKIE FOR BREAKFAST.

HE'S NOT GONNA GO TO HER,

HE KNOWS SHE'S GONNA SAY NO,

SO HE COMES TO ME.

NOW, HE'S SEVEN YEARS OLD.

HE'S NOT GONNA APPROACH ME AND

GO, "DAD, I THOUGHT IT OVER

LAST NIGHT AND I'D REALLY LIKE

A COOKIE FOR BREAKFAST.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?"

SEVEN.

HE GETS IN MY FACE, GOES

"I WANNA A COOKIE!"

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WENT NUTS ON ME.

"YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM A COOKIE

FOR BREAKFAST, YOU MORON."

I CAN'T GIVE HIM ONE COOKIE,

YET AN HOUR LATER, SHE GAVE HIM

WAFFLES, BUTTER, SYRUP,

WHIPPED CREAM, SOME STRAWBERRY

STUFF FROM A CAN.

YET THE ONE COOKIE THAT I GAVE

HIM IS GONNA RUIN THE METABOLISM

SHE CREATED IN THIS KID'S LIFE

THE SEVEN YEARS HE'S ON THE

PLANET.

AND MY BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A

FRIGGIN' ASS(BLEEP)!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GOT NUTHIN' TO DO WITH

MY ACT, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW'S AN

ASS(BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

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