Eugene Mirman - Fan of the Earth

Season 1 , Ep 101 12/14/12 Views: 5,944

When a street solicitor asks Eugene Mirman for a donation, he finds a unique way to tell her no. (2:07)

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I REALLY, REALLY HATEIS, UM, WHEN PEOPLE, UH,

ON THE STREET ASK MEFOR MONEY,

FOR, LIKE, DONATIONS,LIKE, TO A CAUSE

'CAUSE I GETTHAT YOU NEED SIGNATURES

TO BE PRESIDENT OR WHATEVER--THAT'S ALL FINE.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE--AND DON'T GET ME WRONG.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,I'LL PUT $25 ON THE GROUND,

AND THEN IF YOU PICK IT UPAND WE HAVE SEX IN AN ALLEY,

THAT'S NOT A CRIME.

THAT'S A COINCIDENCE.

BUT I JUST--I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE

ASK ME FOR MONEYFOR SOME CAUSE

'CAUSE I'M JUST NOTGONNA GIVE ANYONE ENOUGH

TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

AND I WAS AT THIS COSTUME SHOPIN NEW YORK,

AND I WAS WALKINGTO A MEETING,

AND I WAS LISTENING TO MUSICWITH HEADPHONES.

AND, UH--AND THEN, UM,YOU KNOW, I'M WALKING,

AND THIS LADYSTARTS WAVING TO ME,

LIKE A GHOSTIS ATTACKING HER,

AND ONLY I CAN HELP.

AND I KNOW WHAT'S COMING,

AND I'M BEGRUDGINGLY, LIKE,TAKING THEM OFF,

AND I LOOK AT HER,AND SHE GOES,

"ARE YOU A FAN OF THE EARTH?"

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

"NO, I'M A MOON FAN.SORRY."

IT MADE ME WANT TO LIGHTA WHALE ON FIRE

AND USE THE ENERGYTO POWER A COAL PLANT.

IT MADE ME SO MAD,

BUT WHAT--WHAT I BOUGHTAT THE COSTUME SHOP WAS--

IT'S CALLED A TEAR STICK.

IT'S MENTHOL.IT'S LIKE LIPSTICK.

BUT YOU PUT ITUNDER YOUR EYES,

AND IT BURNS YOUR FACE,AND IT MAKES YOU CRY.

AND I PUT MY HANDIN MY POCKET,

AND I PUT MENTHOLON MY FINGERS,

AND I PUT IT IN MY EYE.

AND AS SHE'S LOOKING AT MEAND SHE GOES,

"ARE YOU A FAN OF THE EARTH?"

I LOOK AT HER,AND AS EARNESTLY I CAN, I GO,

"NO, NOT ANYMORE,NOT SINCE GLOBAL WARMING."

AND I JUST START CRYING.

AND I CAN'T STOP.

AND SHE'S SO CONFUSED.

SHE'S LIKE, "WAIT, YOU BELIEVEIN GLOBAL WARMING,

"BUT YOU THINK IT'S SOMETHINGTHE EARTH IS DOING TO PEOPLE,

SO MUCH SO THAT YOU'RE CRYINGAND CAN'T STOP?"

AND I'M LIKE,"YES! GOOD-BYE!"

OH, SO SATISFYING.

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