Jen Kirkman - I Got Fat Going On

  • Season 2 , Ep 6
  • 04/28/2011
  • Views: 23,527

Jen Kirkman isn't wearing a dress because she's got something going on, she's wearing a dress because her pants don't fit. (4:02)

OH, I'M GONNA TELLYOU GUYS A LITTLE STORY

ABOUT HOW I GAINED 30 POUNDSIN A YEAR AND A HALF.

AND I KNOW YOU GUYSWHO ARE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, JEN,

YOU GAINED 30 POUNDS.I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHEN YOU CAME OUT, I WAS LIKE,WHY IS A MODEL DOING STAND-UP?"

BUT DON'T LAUGHTHAT HARD AT THAT.

I'VE LOST MOST OF THE WEIGHT,BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

EVERYONE SAID TO METHE SAME THING

WHEN I GAINED ALL MY WEIGHT,THEY WERE LIKE,

"WELL, IT'S JUST 'CAUSEYOU GOT MARRIED.

"YOU'RE A NEWLYWEDAND YOU'RE HAPPY.

THAT'S WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT,"AND I WAS LIKE, OH,

I THOUGHT I GAINED THE WEIGHTBECAUSE EVERY NIGHT

I SIT IN THE FRONT OF THE TVEATING A BLOCK OF CHEESE

WITH MY BARE HANDSLIKE IT'S A SANDWICH.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

AND IT GOT TO THE POINT WHEREI COULDN'T WEAR PANTS ANYMORE

'CAUSE WHEN I SAT DOWN,IT LOOKED LIKE

ONE OF THOSE CRESCENT ROLLSTHAT YOU MAKE

AND IT'S JUST KIND OF BUSTINGOUT, YEAH,

SO I HAD TO SORT OF--DON'T--IT'S FINE, IT'S NOT ANYMORE.

BUT I HAD TO START WEARINGSHIRT DRESSES, WHICH IS JUST--

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELLGIVE UP AT THAT POINT,

BUT I HAD TO GO TO WORK,AND EVERY DAY AT WORK

THIS WOMAN WOULD SAY TO ME,"OOH, A DRESS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT GOING ONTONIGHT?"

AND I'D GO, "OH, N--MY PANTS DON'T FIT.

THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON."

AND EVERY DAY SHE WOULD SAYTHAT TO ME, "OOH, A DRESS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT GOINGON TONIGHT?"

UNTIL I JUST SNAPPED,AND I'M LIKE,

"I GOT FAT GOING ON!THAT'S WHAT I GOT GOING ON!

"I'M GOING HOME TONIGHTTO BE FAT!

NOTHING IS GOING ON!"

SO ONE DAY I'M LIKE,

"GOD, I WOULD LOVETO WEAR JEANS AGAIN."

AND SO...I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO BUY

A PAIROF NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS.

NO, I KNOW.

IT'S SUCH A SAD,SAD BRAND OF JEAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSARE FAMILIAR WITH THESE JEANS.

THEY'RE MADE FOR MOMS

WHO HAVE WRECKED THEIR BODYWITH CHILDBIRTH.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOULOOK A SIZE THINNER.

THEY GO UP TO HERE.

I DON'T HAVE A KID.I DON'T WANT A KID.

BUT IT WAS TIME FORNOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS.

AND THEY TRY TO MAKE ITSOUND COOL, TOO.

THEY SOMETIMES CALL THEMNYDJ,

LIKE THEY'RE FOOLING SOMEONE,LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GO,

"OH, YOU KNOW WHO WEARS THESE?NEW YORK DISK JOCKEYS."

(laughter)YEAH.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN LIKETHE OLD OLDSMOBILE ADS

WHERE IT'S LIKE "THIS ISN'TYOUR FATHER'S OLDSMOBILE"

'CAUSE THAT WAS, LIKE,COOL, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE SAYING TO THE KIDS,"HEY, KIDS.

YOUR DAD'S CAR'S DUMB.WE GOT A COOL ONE FOR YOU."

BUT NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS,IS, LIKE,

INSULTING TO THE PERSONWEARING THEM, YOU KNOW?

"OH, THESE AREN'TYOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS.

"NO, NO, NO.YOUR DAUGHTER'S HOT.

"YEAH, YOUR DAUGHTER'S A--YOUR DAUGHTER'S A SIZE ZERO.

"SHE DOESN'T NEED BODY SHAPERSOR SPANX.

"SHE JUST SLIDESINTO SKINNY JEANS

"THE WAY YOU SLIDEINTO SWEAT PANTS.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

SO I GO TO THE MALL TO GETTHE NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS,

AND I MET WITH ONE OF THESEDAUGHTER TYPES AT THE COUNTER,

YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE,

"I NEED A PAIR OF NOTYOUR DAUGHTER'S JEANS,"

AND SHE GOES,"WHAT'S THAT?"

AND I GO..."THEY'RE JEANS...

"FOR MOMS.

"LISTEN, LADY...

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEYARE NOW BUT YOU WILL SOMEDAY.

THIS HIGH-METABOLISM RIDEISN'T GONNA LAST FOREVER."

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW,"AND SHE GOES,

"OH, DO YOU HAVE KIDS?"

AND I GO, "NO,I HAVE A CANDY DRAWER!"

(laughter)

AND SHE GOES,"WE DON'T HAVE THOSE JEANS,

"BUT I HAVE A SUGGESTION.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUYTHE BRAND YOU NORMALLY WEAR

BUT IN, LIKE,FOUR SIZES BIGGER?"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY DON'T I GOTO HOME DEPOT,

"GET SOME ROPEAND HANG MYSELF?

I THOUGHT OF THAT,LADY."

SO AFTER YELLING AT THE CASHIER,I'M, LIKE,

I WORKED UP A GOOD SWEAT,

I'M JUST GONNA GETA FROZEN YOGURT.

SO I'M WALKING BACK TO MY CARIN THE PARKING LOT AT THE MALL,

I'M IN MY HOUSE DRESS EATINGA FROZEN YOGURT,

AND THERE'S A NOTE ON MY CAR,AND THE NOTE SAYS,

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRETTY.

LOVE, DAVE(THE GUY IN THE VAN)."

(laughter)

THE "GUY IN THE VAN"IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANNA HEAR

AS A WOMAN IN A MALL,OKAY?

I WAS LIKE...

"WHERE'S THE VAN?WHERE'S THE VAN?"

BECAUSE A WOMAN--I DID NOT WANNA GET MURDERED,

AND I DEFINITELYDID NOT WANNA GET MURDERED

AT AN UNDESIRABLE WEIGHT,YOU KNOW?

ALL I COULD PICTUREWAS THAT

THERE WAS A LINE OF WHITE VANSAND GUYS IN THEM

HOLDING THEIR PENISES WATCHINGALL THESE HOT DAUGHTERS WALK BY

IN THEIR SIZE-ZERO JEANS LIKE,"EGH!"

AND THEN I WALK BYIN MY HOUSE DRESS,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!WHAT IS THAT?

SOME KIND OF MOTHEROR SOMETHING?!"

AND THEN DAVE'SIN THERE LIKE,

"SOCIETY PUTS ENOUGH PRESSURE ON WOMEN, YOU GUYS!

"WE WILL NOT DO THIS TO HER!I'M GONNA LEAVE HER A NOTE!

SHE HAS TWO DESSERTS!I THINK SHE'S PRETTY!"

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