Patton Oswalt - Metal-Mania

Season 1 , Ep 0101 12/05/04 Views: 14,778

If you were a fan of 80s metal videos, you were, apparently, gay. (3:38)

Patton Oswalt: I WAS--

YOU KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

80s METAL, TOO?

I MEAN, LIKE CRAZY DRAGONS AND

DEMONS AND LOST--

I MEAN, VH1 CLASSICS DOES

A SHOW CALLED METAL MANIA,

AND I WATCHED--

THEY HAD A WHOLE WEEKEND,

ALL 80s METAL VIDEOS FOR TWO

STRAIGHT DAYS.

I WATCHED ALL TWO DAYS OF IT,

AND I LEARNED SOMETHING

WATCHING TWO DAYS OF 80s METAL.

IF YOU WERE INTO METAL IN THE

80s, GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE GAY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU ARE GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THOSE VIDEOS ARE GAYER THAN

EIGHT GUYS [BLEEP] NINE GUYS.

THAT IS HOW GAY THOSE VIDEOS

ARE.

THEY'RE THAT GAY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

EVERY SINGLE VIDEO HAS A BUNCH

OF SHIRTLESS SWEATY GUYS,

OR WORSE YET, LIKE A VEST AND

NO SHIRT-- HELLO!

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ROCKIN' OUT IN A FACTORY

THAT APPARENTLY JUST MAKES

SPARKS, THEY JUST MAKE SPARKS

ALL DAY.

AND THERE JUST LIKE ROCKIN'

OUT AND RUBBIN' BARE SHOULDER

BLADES AND...

[STRUMMING SOLO BASS GUITAR].

AND THEN THEY'LL CUT TO A BUNCH

OF HOT WOMEN MILES AWAY FROM THE

BAND IN ANOTHER TIME ZONE IN AN

AUTO WRECKING YARD OR A

DUDE RANCH GOING, "YEAH.

MAYBE I'LL GET THE GUYS IN

SKRITTY PALLITY TO BONE 'CAUSE

I'M NOT GONNA GET ANY [BLEEP]

FROM THE GUYS IN JACKAL WITH A

"Y!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, UM...

BUT THE ONE RECURRING MOTIF IN

THESE VIDEOS THAT I WISH WOULD

COME BACK, WERE THE BANDS THAT

COULD ROCK SO HARD THEY COULD

CHANGE THE PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

OF THINGS.

YOU KNOW, THEY WOULD BLOW HOLES

THROUGH WALLS, OR THEY'D WALK

UP TO YOUR CRAPPY GEO AND GO,

"SCRIBBLY, FLABBLY DO," AND

ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S A SLEEK

LAMBORGHINI LIKE, "HEY, WHEW,

THANKS NIGHT RANGER."

THAT NEEDS TO COME BACK,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THERE'S GOT TO BE...

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THERE'S GOTTA BE LIKE A BAND NOW

LIKE "QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE"

OR "SYSTEM OF THE DAMNED"

THAT DOES A VIDEO GOING, "HEY,

THAT CHEESE SANDWICH ISN'T

GRILLED--

SCRIBBLY, FRABBILY DO!"

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S LIKE,

"HOT, MELTED CHEESE, HEY WOW,

YOU ARMENIAN GENIUSES".

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THAT CONCEPT JUMPED THE

SHARK IN THE LATE 80s WHERE

THERE WAS A SUPER GROUP CALLED

"DAMN YANKEES."

REMEMBER THAT?

"DAMN YANKEES".

THEY HAD A GUY FROM "NIGHT

RANGER".

THEY HAD A GUY FROM "STYX" AND

TED NUGENT FORMED A SUPER GROUP.

AND IN THEIR VIDEO THE POLICE

HAVE CORNERED THEM IN A HOUSE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE DANGEROUS.

[LAUGHTER]

"THERE'S A 47 YEAR-OLD GUY FROM

"NIGHT RANGER" IN THAT BAND.

ARREST 'EM!"

SO...

[LAUGHTER]

THE POLICE ARE JUST SHOOTING

BULLETS AND SHOTGUNS INTO THE

HOUSE FILLING IT WITH LEAD,

BUT TED NUGENT COMES WALKING OUT

WITH HIS GUITAR AND HE'S GOING

"SQUIBBLY, FLABB--"

AND THE BULLS ARE GOING,

PING-- ZANG-- HE'S DEFLECTING

THE BULLETS WITH THE POWER OF

HIS ROCKET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE-- WHERE-- WHERE THE...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

WHERE WERE THE BEVIS & BUTTHEAD

COPYCATS WHEN THAT VIDEO CAME

OUT?

YOU KNOW, JUST BALL ACROSS

THE MID-WEST GUYS GOING,

"YOU START SHOOTING-- READY?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

SQUIBBLY-- PIT-- PIT-- PIT--"

DEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

WE COULD HAVE LOST THE ENTIRE

MULLET HAIRCUT IN ONE WEEKEND--

JUST GONE-- GONE--

WIPED OUT-- YES.

OH, JIFFY LUBE'S HIRING.

[LAUGHTER]

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