Uncensored - Up Next Semifinals - Chicago

Up Next Season 1, Ep 0101 01/11/2011 Views: 2,261

Jonah Ray sits down with the Up-Next finalists from Chicago, Dave Thomason and Ali Siddiq. (2:55)

NARRATOR: Give it up foryour host, Jonah Ray!

JONAH RAY: We're atthe Comedy Central's

Up Next Chicago Semi Finals.

You know, Comedy Centralis on a nationwide search

for the next greatstand-up comedians.

Judges from ComedyCentral are here tonight

and will be selectingtwo comics to advance.

-Hi, Chicago, oh my god!

Ah, la,la!

-My wife is allowed toorder what she wants to eat.

I have to order whichshe wants to try.

-Hey Sarah, I know wegonna race, but by the time

you get out the poolI'll already be dry.

-What am I walkingaround my friends,

like, hey girls let's goshopping for some pussy.

-They had a stripperthere, that I

kind of think mighthave been racist.

Like she'd be like,you want me to put

these tits on thosebig ass black lips?

-I joined a gym aboutnine months ago.

I've actually lostabout, eh, about $135.

-My town was so white,that at my high school,

I was vice president ofthe black student union.

-I'll just tellyou this, I don't

kiss my mom good night anymore.

-What's up, Dad?

I'll tell you what's up,unemployment in this house

is way up.

Get a job, Junior.

-He's had a penis reduction.


-These are the two names ofthe people that are going to be

coming out, from Chicago tothe New York Comedy Festival.

[makes drum roll sound]

Ali Saddiq and Dave Thomason.

-You won!

-I won!

-I tried to hop intoa normal conversation,

but you guys were stillreeling from the moment.

-I don't like, whatto do with my hands.

-Well, jazz hands isalways a good default.

-Jazz hands?

-Whoa, and everyone was like,what a fucking go-getter!

-So I want to be toughwith this guy, right?

I want to put my foot down.

I want to be a man.

So what I tried to say was,hey if my car isn't done

by 5:00 PM, I'mgonna chew you out.

But instead of chew,I said eat, which-

-You won tonight.

-I moved on tonight.

We like Lebron and Shaq.

We co-MVP [inaudible].



-They have a saying that says,that the apple doesn't fall

far from the tree,which is a lie.

Because my apple has felland rolled across the street.

My son is the worst basketballplayer of all times.

I am the coach of the teamand I don't let him play.

-Finding an audienceis like finding

the guys you're goingto hang out with.

-The people who wantto listen to you.

And it's not tryingto appease everyone

with what you, you feel.

Who, who's going to agreewith all your feelings?

-My mom.

-She really doesn't.

-Uh, I don't knowif any of you ever

gotten a dog with yoursignificant other,

but when we got the dog,all my friends were like,

Dave, that's a real seriouscommitment, ya know-- dogs.

They can live 13 or14 years, are you guys

ready for that seriousof a commitment?

And me and my girlfriendhad a long talk,

and we got a 10-year-old dog.

-Great set.

It was real, it was real tight.

And it had a bunchof applause breaks.

I was backstage and like, itwas one of those things where

I like, I kept onrunning towards the door,

thinking I had to go out and yaknow, bring up the next comic.

That's me complainingbut complimenting.

-Oh, Jonah.

-My name's Jonah Ray,thanks for hanging out.