NARRATOR: Give it up foryour host, Jonah Ray!
JONAH RAY: We're atthe Comedy Central's
Up Next Chicago Semi Finals.
You know, Comedy Centralis on a nationwide search
for the next greatstand-up comedians.
Judges from ComedyCentral are here tonight
and will be selectingtwo comics to advance.
-Hi, Chicago, oh my god!
-My wife is allowed toorder what she wants to eat.
I have to order whichshe wants to try.
-Hey Sarah, I know wegonna race, but by the time
you get out the poolI'll already be dry.
-What am I walkingaround my friends,
like, hey girls let's goshopping for some pussy.
-They had a stripperthere, that I
kind of think mighthave been racist.
Like she'd be like,you want me to put
these tits on thosebig ass black lips?
-I joined a gym aboutnine months ago.
I've actually lostabout, eh, about $135.
-My town was so white,that at my high school,
I was vice president ofthe black student union.
-I'll just tellyou this, I don't
kiss my mom good night anymore.
-What's up, Dad?
I'll tell you what's up,unemployment in this house
is way up.
Get a job, Junior.
-He's had a penis reduction.
-These are the two names ofthe people that are going to be
coming out, from Chicago tothe New York Comedy Festival.
[makes drum roll sound]
Ali Saddiq and Dave Thomason.
-I tried to hop intoa normal conversation,
but you guys were stillreeling from the moment.
-I don't like, whatto do with my hands.
-Well, jazz hands isalways a good default.
-Whoa, and everyone was like,what a fucking go-getter!
-So I want to be toughwith this guy, right?
I want to put my foot down.
I want to be a man.
So what I tried to say was,hey if my car isn't done
by 5:00 PM, I'mgonna chew you out.
But instead of chew,I said eat, which-
-You won tonight.
-I moved on tonight.
We like Lebron and Shaq.
We co-MVP [inaudible].
-They have a saying that says,that the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree,which is a lie.
Because my apple has felland rolled across the street.
My son is the worst basketballplayer of all times.
I am the coach of the teamand I don't let him play.
-Finding an audienceis like finding
the guys you're goingto hang out with.
-The people who wantto listen to you.
And it's not tryingto appease everyone
with what you, you feel.
Who, who's going to agreewith all your feelings?
-She really doesn't.
-Uh, I don't knowif any of you ever
gotten a dog with yoursignificant other,
but when we got the dog,all my friends were like,
Dave, that's a real seriouscommitment, ya know-- dogs.
They can live 13 or14 years, are you guys
ready for that seriousof a commitment?
And me and my girlfriendhad a long talk,
and we got a 10-year-old dog.
It was real, it was real tight.
And it had a bunchof applause breaks.
I was backstage and like, itwas one of those things where
I like, I kept onrunning towards the door,
thinking I had to go out and yaknow, bring up the next comic.
That's me complainingbut complimenting.
-My name's Jonah Ray,thanks for hanging out.