Eddie Ifft - Lost Baby in Amsterdam

  • Season 13 , Ep 15
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 10,749

Eddie likes to pretend he lost a baby when he's in Amsterdam. (2:15)

THE WORLD IS.

AMERICA --WE'RE NOT ENVIRONMENTAL.

THEY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENTOVER THERE.

AND I USED TO CARE,TILL I WENT THERE

AND THEY MADE MERIDE A BIKE EVERYWHERE.

I'M IN AMSTERDAM -- THEY GIVE MEA BIKE WITH A BABY SEAT ON IT.

I'M A SINGLE DUDE.I'M TRYING TO MEET THE LADIES.

I LOOK LIKE A BAD FATHER.LIKE, "DING-A-LING-A-LING."

"GOT THE DAY OFF."[ LAUGHS ]

I WAS LIKE, "I MIGHT AS WELLHAVE FUN WITH IT."

SO I RODE AROUND WITH THIS BIKEWITH THIS EMPTY BABY SEAT

JUST GOING, "HAS ANYBODYSEEN MY BABY?

HELP ME!I'VE LOST MY BABY!"

AND PEOPLE WERE COMING FROMALL OVER LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?"I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

"I HIT A BUMP, AND HE JUSTBOUNCED OFF THE BACK!

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL,WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?"

AND I'M LIKE, "LIKE A BABY."

AND THEY GO,"WELL, DESCRIBE HIM."

"HE'S LITTLE. AND HE'S BALD."

AND I KNOW THEY'RE ALL STONED,SO I'M LIKE,

"AND HE'S GOT A MUSTACHEAND TATTOOS."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"OKAY, WE'LL FIND HIM."

AND THEY WENT RUNNING OFFIN THEIR WOODEN SHOES.

EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE HIPPIE.

THIS ONE AMERICAN HIPPIECAME UP TO ME.

HE GOES, "DUDE...

"YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY."

"YOU HAVE A MIDGET."

[ LAUGHS ]

HE'S LIKE,"YOU LOST YOUR MIDGET."

HE GOES, "DON'T WORRY.WE'RE GONNA FIND YOUR MIDGET.

"THEY'RE EASY TO FIND

'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S ALWAYSPOINTING AT THEM."

AND THEN, EVEN WORSE THAN THAT,

SOME GUY COMES UP TO MEWITH A BABY.

HE'S LIKE, "IS THIS YOUR BABY?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

YES, IT IS."

AND I TOOK HIM, AND I DIDN'TKNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM,

SO I USED HIM AS A HEROIN MULE

TO SMUGGLE HEROIN BACKFOR WHEN I'M 90.

WHAT? BABIES MAKE THE BESTHEROIN MULES.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKEAN AIRPLANE NOISE,

AND THEY SWALLOW IT.

YOU'RE LIKE [IMITATES AIRPLANE]

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE...

SOME OF THESE ARE JOKES.

SOME OF THEM ARE FACTS.

BABIES MAKE GREAT HEROIN MULES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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