FIX MY PANTS.
ANYWAY, THIS IS A PART OF MY ACT
WHERE I SMOKE.
IT LASTS ABOUT A MINUTE, I'M NOT
GONNA SMOKE THE REST OF MY SHOW,
SO IF THE SMOKE DOES HIT YOU,
I APOLOGIZE.
WHAT I LIKE TO DO, HOLD ON LET
ME LIGHT THIS UP.
MMM.
MY DAD SMOKES LIKE HIS FACE IS
KILLING HIM.
THAT'S HOW MY DAD SMOKES.
I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND BEING
A LITTLE GUY.
THIS IS HOW ALL DAD'S SMOKE.
(LAUGHTER)
DAD, ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?
YEAH.
HE'D COME WATCH ME PLAY BASEBALL
WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS IN THE
LITTLE LEAGUES.
OF COURSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
NO, I AM STILL IN THE LITTLE
LEAGUES FOLKS.
THEY WON'T ADVANCE ME.
SEE MY BROTHER'S HERE, SPENCER,
HE KNOWS I WAS NEVER IN THE
LITTLE LEAGUES.
BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAY I
PLAYED JACKS, IT DOESN'T HAVE
THE SAME FIGHTING EFFECT.
MY DAD WOULD COME WATCH ME PLAY
BASEBALL.
HE'D BE IN THE STANDS, KEEP YOUR
EYE ON THE BALL SON, UH-HUH.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL,
DON'T TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE
BALL.
MM-MMM.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.
DAD I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING SMOKE
COME OUT OF EVERY HOLE IN YOUR
HEAD.
HE'D LAUGH SO HARD, HE'D (BLEEP)
A DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE OUT
HIS BUTT.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
STEVE, THANKS A LOT, THAT'S HIS
JOKE, HE WROTE IT FOR ME LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
(APPLAUSE)
I'D LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN,
HAVE A FAMILY.
I'M A GOOD PERSON.
YOU KNOW...
(LAUGHTER)
THEY'RE GOING TO EDIT THAT.
UM, I HAVE A CAMP, I YOU KNOW,
I HAVE A CAMP.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PEOPLE KNOW
THIS, BUT I HAVE A CAMP FOR KIDS
WITH NO HANDS.
AND SERIOUSLY, YEAH.
AND, AH, YA KNOW THAT SONG,
IF YOUR HAPPY AND YA KNOW IT,
CLAP YOUR HANDS?
WELL, LISTEN TO THIS,
WE DON'T PLAY IT ANY MORE
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW WE PLAY
IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT,
BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE
TABLE.
AND UH, THE KIDS LOVE IT.
YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE KID
THAT'S, SO CUTE--
THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M GETTING
OLDER, SOMETIMES I'M WALKIN ON
THE AIRPLANE-- YOU EVER SEE A
KID THAT'S SO CUTE, YOU WANT TO
SQUEEZE IT, LIKE, TILL IT LIKE
POOPS IT'S PANTS, ARRRHHHH.
THE MOM'S LIKE, YOU'RE GOING
TO KILL MY BABY!
I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S CUTE,
AAAHHHHH.
SOMETIMES, I SEE A DOG THAT
CUTE, YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE DOG
THAT CUTE?
YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT, AH,
YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT TILL
IT DIES.
AAAHHH.
AAAAHHH.
AND PUPPY BREATHE.
OH MY GOD, HOW CUTE IS PUPPY
BREATHE?
IF I COULD MEET A GIRL WITH
PUPPY BREATHE, I'D MARRY HER,
SERIOUS, SERIOUS.
TWELVE TITS WOULDN'T BE BAD
EITHER.
BUT, UM.