Todd Glass - Smoking Face

  • Season 5 , Ep 16
  • 10/14/2001
  • Views: 3,422

Todd Glass does an impression of his father smoking a cigarette. (2:46)

FIX MY PANTS.

ANYWAY, THIS IS A PART OF MY ACT

WHERE I SMOKE.

IT LASTS ABOUT A MINUTE, I'M NOT

GONNA SMOKE THE REST OF MY SHOW,

SO IF THE SMOKE DOES HIT YOU,

I APOLOGIZE.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO, HOLD ON LET

ME LIGHT THIS UP.

MMM.

MY DAD SMOKES LIKE HIS FACE IS

KILLING HIM.

THAT'S HOW MY DAD SMOKES.

I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND BEING

A LITTLE GUY.

THIS IS HOW ALL DAD'S SMOKE.

(LAUGHTER)

DAD, ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?

YEAH.

HE'D COME WATCH ME PLAY BASEBALL

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS IN THE

LITTLE LEAGUES.

OF COURSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

NO, I AM STILL IN THE LITTLE

LEAGUES FOLKS.

THEY WON'T ADVANCE ME.

SEE MY BROTHER'S HERE, SPENCER,

HE KNOWS I WAS NEVER IN THE

LITTLE LEAGUES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAY I

PLAYED JACKS, IT DOESN'T HAVE

THE SAME FIGHTING EFFECT.

MY DAD WOULD COME WATCH ME PLAY

BASEBALL.

HE'D BE IN THE STANDS, KEEP YOUR

EYE ON THE BALL SON, UH-HUH.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL,

DON'T TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE

BALL.

MM-MMM.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

DAD I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING SMOKE

COME OUT OF EVERY HOLE IN YOUR

HEAD.

HE'D LAUGH SO HARD, HE'D (BLEEP)

A DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE OUT

HIS BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

STEVE, THANKS A LOT, THAT'S HIS

JOKE, HE WROTE IT FOR ME LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

(APPLAUSE)

I'D LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN,

HAVE A FAMILY.

I'M A GOOD PERSON.

YOU KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE GOING TO EDIT THAT.

UM, I HAVE A CAMP, I YOU KNOW,

I HAVE A CAMP.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PEOPLE KNOW

THIS, BUT I HAVE A CAMP FOR KIDS

WITH NO HANDS.

AND SERIOUSLY, YEAH.

AND, AH, YA KNOW THAT SONG,

IF YOUR HAPPY AND YA KNOW IT,

CLAP YOUR HANDS?

WELL, LISTEN TO THIS,

WE DON'T PLAY IT ANY MORE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW WE PLAY

IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT,

BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE

TABLE.

AND UH, THE KIDS LOVE IT.

YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE KID

THAT'S, SO CUTE--

THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M GETTING

OLDER, SOMETIMES I'M WALKIN ON

THE AIRPLANE-- YOU EVER SEE A

KID THAT'S SO CUTE, YOU WANT TO

SQUEEZE IT, LIKE, TILL IT LIKE

POOPS IT'S PANTS, ARRRHHHH.

THE MOM'S LIKE, YOU'RE GOING

TO KILL MY BABY!

I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S CUTE,

AAAHHHHH.

SOMETIMES, I SEE A DOG THAT

CUTE, YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE DOG

THAT CUTE?

YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT, AH,

YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT TILL

IT DIES.

AAAHHH.

AAAAHHH.

AND PUPPY BREATHE.

OH MY GOD, HOW CUTE IS PUPPY

BREATHE?

IF I COULD MEET A GIRL WITH

PUPPY BREATHE, I'D MARRY HER,

SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

TWELVE TITS WOULDN'T BE BAD

EITHER.

BUT, UM.

Loading...