Todd Glass - Smoking Face

  • Season 5 , Ep 16
  • 10/14/2001
  • Views: 5,155

Todd Glass does an impression of his father smoking a cigarette. (2:46)

FIX MY PANTS.

ANYWAY, THIS IS A PART OF MY ACTWHERE I SMOKE.

IT LASTS ABOUT A MINUTE, I'M NOTGONNA SMOKE THE REST OF MY SHOW,

SO IF THE SMOKE DOES HIT YOU,I APOLOGIZE.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO, HOLD ON LETME LIGHT THIS UP.

MMM.

MY DAD SMOKES LIKE HIS FACE ISKILLING HIM.

THAT'S HOW MY DAD SMOKES.

I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND BEINGA LITTLE GUY.

THIS IS HOW ALL DAD'S SMOKE.

(LAUGHTER)DAD, ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?

YEAH.

HE'D COME WATCH ME PLAY BASEBALLWHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS IN THE

LITTLE LEAGUES.

OF COURSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

NO, I AM STILL IN THE LITTLELEAGUES FOLKS.

THEY WON'T ADVANCE ME.

SEE MY BROTHER'S HERE, SPENCER,HE KNOWS I WAS NEVER IN THE

LITTLE LEAGUES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAY IPLAYED JACKS, IT DOESN'T HAVE

THE SAME FIGHTING EFFECT.

MY DAD WOULD COME WATCH ME PLAYBASEBALL.

HE'D BE IN THE STANDS, KEEP YOUREYE ON THE BALL SON, UH-HUH.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL,DON'T TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE

BALL.

MM-MMM.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

DAD I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING SMOKECOME OUT OF EVERY HOLE IN YOUR

HEAD.

HE'D LAUGH SO HARD, HE'D (BLEEP)A DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE OUT

HIS BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

STEVE, THANKS A LOT, THAT'S HISJOKE, HE WROTE IT FOR ME LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

(APPLAUSE)I'D LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN,

HAVE A FAMILY.

I'M A GOOD PERSON.

YOU KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)THEY'RE GOING TO EDIT THAT.

UM, I HAVE A CAMP, I YOU KNOW,I HAVE A CAMP.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PEOPLE KNOWTHIS, BUT I HAVE A CAMP FOR KIDS

WITH NO HANDS.

AND SERIOUSLY, YEAH.

AND, AH, YA KNOW THAT SONG,IF YOUR HAPPY AND YA KNOW IT,

CLAP YOUR HANDS?

WELL, LISTEN TO THIS,WE DON'T PLAY IT ANY MORE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW WE PLAYIF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT,

BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THETABLE.

AND UH, THE KIDS LOVE IT.

YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE KIDTHAT'S, SO CUTE--

THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M GETTINGOLDER, SOMETIMES I'M WALKIN ON

THE AIRPLANE-- YOU EVER SEE AKID THAT'S SO CUTE, YOU WANT TO

SQUEEZE IT, LIKE, TILL IT LIKEPOOPS IT'S PANTS, ARRRHHHH.

THE MOM'S LIKE, YOU'RE GOINGTO KILL MY BABY!

I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S CUTE,AAAHHHHH.

SOMETIMES, I SEE A DOG THATCUTE, YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE DOG

THAT CUTE?

YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT, AH,YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT TILL

IT DIES.

AAAHHH.

AAAAHHH.

AND PUPPY BREATHE.

OH MY GOD, HOW CUTE IS PUPPYBREATHE?

IF I COULD MEET A GIRL WITHPUPPY BREATHE, I'D MARRY HER,

SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

TWELVE TITS WOULDN'T BE BADEITHER.

BUT, UM.

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