Alonzo Bodden - Women

  • Season 9 , Ep 22
  • 07/07/2005
  • Views: 12,810

In Seattle, they have rain; in L.A., they have fake boobs. (3:27)

Alonzo Bodden: 'CAUSE THEY SAY

A GOOD WOMAN WILL MAKE YOU A

BETTER MAN, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PROBLEM IS GOOD WOMEN AIN'T

MY TYPE.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER HAD NO USE FOR

GOOD WOMEN, MAN.

KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

I LIKE PSYCHO CHICKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO, MAN.

I LOVE PSYCHOS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE SEX WITH A PSYCHO,

OH MY GOD!

YEAH, YOU HOOK UP WITH A PSYCHO,

YOU GONNA LEARN SOMETHING.

FIRST THING YOU LEARN IS

HOW TO SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEM GIRLS CAN BE DANGEROUS.

I DO, MAN.

BUT I GOT TO GIVE ALL THAT UP.

GOT TO GIVE IT ALL UP.

FIND A GOOD WOMAN.

I DON'T DISCRIMINATE, EITHER,

MAN.

LOVE ALL WOMEN.

I DO.

I LIKE BLACK WOMEN.

LOVE WHITE WOMEN, TOO.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'LL SAY IT.

I LIKE WHITE WOMEN.

THAT'S WHY I CAN'T HATE

WHITE MEN 'CAUSE WE NEED THEM

FOR BREEDING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE SOMETIME BE HANGING WITH

THE BROTHERS, THEY GET A LITTLE

MILITANT ON ME.

THEY BE LIKE, "KILL WHITEY!"

I'M LIKE, "SLOW DOWN.

LET'S THINK THIS THROUGH NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

NO, IT REALLY, MAN, I LOVE

WOMEN.

I LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, MAN.

THAT'S PART OF MY PROBLEM.

I GET HOOKED ON THE WHOLE

PHYSICAL BEAUTY THING, MAN.

LIKE FAKE BOOBS, YOU KNOW.

I LOVE 'EM.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I LIVE IN L.A. AND THAT'S

ALL WE GOT.

LIKE IN SEATTLE, THEY GOT RAIN.

IN L.A., WE GOT FAKE BOOBS,

YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHY IT COST MORE

TO LIVE IN L.A., SEE.

BUT REALLY, MAN.

IT'S SO BAD WITH ME, LIKE I'LL

SEE REAL ONES, I'LL BE LIKE,

"OOOH, STARTER SET."

AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT NICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IT'S GETTING HARD, MAN.

THE MAN-WOMAN GAME'S GETTING

HARD, MAN.

YOU NEED A GIMMICK TO PICK UP

WOMEN NOW.

SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING ON IT.

THEY ARE.

SCIENTISTS ARE TRYING TO INVENT

VIAGRA FOR WOMEN.

IT'S BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS.

THEY CALL IT "CASH".

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY.

NOW I'M NOT SAYING ALL WOMEN ARE

GOLD DIGGERS.

BUT LADIES YOU KNOW, THERE ARE

CERTAIN THINGS YOU CAN DO THAT

MEN CAN NOT DO.

A WOMAN CAN GO OUT WITH NO MONEY

AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

EVERY WOMAN IN HERE KNOWS IT,

THE TIGHTER THE MONEY,

THE TIGHTER THE DRESS.

YOU BE DANCING, DRINKING;

JUST HAVING A BALL.

GUY GO OUT WITH NO MONEY,

HE'S GONNA BE A LONELY, THIRSTY

SON OF A BITCH, ALL RIGHT.

WEAR TIGHT PANTS, HIS ASS WILL

CHAFE, THAT'S WHAT HE'LL GET.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN TO CLUBS WHERE WOMEN

DON'T EVEN KNOW DRINKS COST

MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DON'T.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY HAVE CLEAVAGE,

AND CLEAVAGE IS LIKE CURRENCY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, YOU DON'T

PAY.

JUST LEAN FORWARD AND THEY'RE

FREE."

REALLY.

AND I AIN'T MAD AT YOU LADIES,

I AIN'T MAD AT YOU.

I'M JEALOUS, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO

MALE EQUIVALENT FOR CLEAVAGE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU COULD

SHOW PART OF YOUR PENIS AND GET

A FREE DRINK?

MAN, THERE'D BE SWORD FIGHTS

BREAKING OUT IN BARS ALL OVER

THE PLACE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU GUYS FOR LAUGHING.

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

THANK YOU!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

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