Big Jay Oakerson - Virgin Holocaust - Uncensored

Romance 11/18/2016 Views: 1,625

When Big Jay Oakerson was 17, he lost his virginity to an older woman who had mastered sex moves he just wasn't ready for. (10:43)

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- And she pushed me downon the bed,

and she started kissingdown my body,

which is hilarious,'cause I'm 17.

I'm naked.I'm fat.

I have no beard.

I look like a giant, fat baby.

And she was kissing, like...[kissing noises]

And I was like...

[chuckling]

[laughter]

[grunts]

[dark electronic music]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[cheers and applause]

- You know him from "TheBonfire" on SiriusXM.

Please give it up forMr. Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

- I'm gonna tell y'alls

a little story

about how and whoI lost my virginity to.

So it's gonna be gross.

[laughs]

Not on her end.She was a hot chick.

She was older than me.

I was actually 17when I lost my virginity.

She was 22 years old

and not a girlfriendor anything,

just a neighbor girl,22-year-old neighbor girl.

She lived with her unclenext door,

which was weird.

He was a weird guy.He dressed like Gallagher.

But it was, like, 1995.

[laughter]

A lot of horizontal stripesand big, like,

merchant marine bell-bottoms.

Anyhoo.

Who knows whatwas going on there.

She must have been damaged,

because one dayI was walking by,

and she goes, "You know what?

I'm gonna make you a man,"

and I was like, "Okay, lady."

[laughter]

And she was older and hadexpectations on the whole deal.

So she was like, "All right,you got to get a hotel room."

And I'm like, "Cool, well,now we got to get

"my mom involvedin this project,

'cause I don't havea credit card."

And luckily, I comefrom great white trash roots.

Like, really, like, backstage ata Kid Rock concert.

My mom was like,"Ugh, here you go."

She gave me a credit card,

and I booked a roomat a Holiday Inn,

and I remember go--yeah,I said I come from garbage.

[laughter]

My mom loves her boy.

She thinks she's gonna deny me

that sweet, sweet...

Can't let your momcock block.

Where the fuckdid you guys grow up?

Your mom wouldn't get you laid?Come on, man.

My mom got me laid a few times.

[laughs]

Me and this girl end upin a hotel,

and we walk in the room,

and I rememberI was very nervous,

and it was very dark,and it smelled like

mothballs and Febreze,

and she was pouring me, like,this wine into a plastic cup,

and I'm a kid,

so I'm like, "This is bitter,"

and she's like, "Drink it."

I'm like...

[struggling]

And she had a boom box.

Yeah, with the "Enigma" CDplaying.

Do you remember "Enigma,"by any chance?

It's like chant-y dance music.

It's terrifyingin this capacity.

I'm already nervous.

I got this winethat I don't want.

I can't see anything,

and just blaringin the room is, like...

[imitating "Enigma" CD]

And I was just like, "Hello?"

[laughter]

She goes,"Take off your clothes,"

and I was just all very, like,rape victim-y about it.

I remember being like,"Here? Just now?"

And I got naked.

I thought we were gonnastart having sex.

I thought that's howit all worked,

but she was 22.

She knew what she was doing,and she just took over,

and she pushed me downon the bed,

and she started kissingdown my body,

which is hilarious,'cause I'm 17.

I'm naked.I'm fat.

I have no beard.

I look like a giant, fat baby.

That's how I looked,

and she was kissing, like...

[kissing noises]

And I was like...

[chuckling]

[laughter]

And then she startedsucking my dick,

and I was like,"I like this part."

[laughter]

This part's fantastic.

I thought she was gonnakeep doing that,

but she didn't.

She started doing some pro movesI wasn't quite ready for.

She holds up my dick,starts licking my balls,

doing a little crowd work,if you will.

[laughter]

And here is what I learnedabout my balls that night.

And I can't speakfor all the balls,

but these balls,these two, ticklish.

[laughter]

Very, very ticklish.

And I wanted her to stop,

but I didn't want herto stop everything,

so I'm just trying not to laugh

through the ball-licking part,

but it's hard, 'cause she waslicking my balls hilariously.

Hilariously.

She was licking them

and vibrating themwith her mouth

and saying the word "balls,"which is a weird thing to do.

[laughter]

I was even trying not to payattention,

but she was like,♪ Ball-la-las

♪ Ball-lo-los

♪ Zah

♪ Zahs

And my eyes were tearing, and myface was all purple.

And I was biting my lips.

But I didn't laugh.

I did great.

And then she did somethingthat nobody

should ever do unannouncedto a virgin.

She went lower than the balls.

You get what I'm saying?

Lower than the balls?

The balls...

I'm laying on my back,balls,

and then lower than the balls.

Los Angeles, Mexico?

[laughter]

In layman's terms, she touchedher tongue to my butthole,

and that--too much for me.

Too much--I was a virgin.

In one explosion of life,I laughed out loud,

peed one squirt,and farted in her face.

That's how it happened.

[laughter and applause]

[chuckling]

I was like, ha-ha...

[imitating peeing and farting]

Whoops.

Whoops.I said "whoops."

[laughter]

And "whoops" doesn't cover that.

"Whoops" is like,I knocked over your beer

or we bumped shoulders.

"Oh, hey, man.Whoops."

"Whoops" is not farting downyour throat.

That is not in the--that's justnot in the book of "whoops,"

and I've thumbed it.

Whoops.

And then I tried to be positive.I was like, "You know what?

"She probably won't evensmell it, honestly.

That was right in the chops."

[laughter]

But she did smell it,

I don't know if she burped orwhat,

but it just was in the room.

and when a womansmells your fart,

and you don't want her to,you panic.

You start thinking too quick.You have terrible ideas.

I tried to yell over the smell.

I remember thinking that's--

that's all I had to offer,was volume.

[laughs]

She was like,"What's that smell?"

I'm like, "What smell?

"Who?

A lot of H questions.

Hhh-what?

[laughs]

Open a window if you smell..."

[laughter]

And then I put on a condom,and I remember

faking an orgasm.

I didn't even finishthe first time.

I went, "Ohh," and I was like,

"I've got to go to thebathroom."

And I flushed the condom, and Iwas like,

"Wow, there's so much."

I just lied.

But she continuedto have sex with me

for several months after that,

and I remembershe moved back home

with her parentsin a different town

in south Jersey.

And we were still hooking up,so I was, you know,

a 17-year-old kid getting laid,so I'm like,

"I'll drive out to you."

And she's like, "That'd begreat."

And I drove, like, 45 minutes togo see her one day.

Now, I'm Jewish.

I'm only mentioning thatfor the next part of the story.

It never seems to come upanywhere in my life

that I would haveto give a shit,

but I pull up to this house,

and she comes running out,and she goes, "Oh, my God.

"I almost forgotthat you're Jewish,

"and I made it--it's a weird thing.

"And I'm so sorry.

I should have warned youabout this."

And I'm like, "What do youmean?"

And we walk into her house.

Her father's a Nazi sympathizer,

and I mean, it lookslike Edward Norton's bedroom

in "American History X."

There's big Nazi flagsand, like--

like, a skull with,like, a knife in its--

yeah, it's crazy shit.

There was rat experiments in thebasement.

And I'm not making that up.

But I liked banging hisdaughter.

And my last name's not Jewish,

so I kept my stupid Jew mouthshut.

Continued to plow this chickfor a while,

and then I reallygot faced with it.

One night--he loved me.He didn't know.

Which I thought was kind of goodrevenge.

[laughter]

'Cause we were right in hishouse, and I'd bang her there

all the time, and he orderedpizza once,

and I remember sittingat the table.

I had my moment where he goes,

"Man, a pizza costs $18 now.

"That's 'cause the [bleep]Jew bastards

own all the fucking banks,pieces of shit."

and I was just holding pizza,

and I was like,"I heard that, dude,"

and I started fuckingeating pizza.

You got to understand,it's the small victories.

Five minutes later,

I was up banginghis fucking daughter to...

the "Forrest Gump" soundtrackor something.

[laughing]

You're welcomefor the boners, everybody.

Thank you so much.

[dark electronic music]