Lightsaber Controversy

December 1, 2014 - John McCain 12/01/2014 Views: 1,142,717

Stephen defends the new lightsaber design unveiled in a trailer for J.J. Abrams's "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." (5:35)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen:

WELCOME-- WELCOME-- WELCOMETO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO YOU HAVE WITH US.

THANK YOU.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN!")

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANKYOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

HEROES IN HERE, OUT THERE,ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

THANK YOU.

SIT DOWN.

NATION, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR BEING HERE, FOLKS IT'S

GREAT TO BE BACK.

IN THE HOME STRETCH.

NATION, I HOPE YOU ALL HAD AWONDERFUL, A WONDERFUL-- I

HOPE YOU ALL HAD A WONDERFULTHANKSGIVING, OR AS IT IS

KNOWN TO NATIVE AMERICANSSARCASTIC YOU'RE WELCOMES

GIVING.

DINNER AT MY HOUSE WAS GREATAS ALWAYS.

THIS YEAR I GOT THE WISHBONE AND MY WISH CAME TRUE.

THE DOCTORS WERE ABLE TOREMOVE IT FROM MY THROAT.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE I WAS OFF ALL LAST

WEEK.

SO THERE IS A LOT OF NEWS TOCATCH UP ON.

STARTING WITH A MAJORCONFLICT ONCE AGAIN IN A

TROUBLED DESERT REGION.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

WHOOO. (MAKING GUN SOUNDS) DON'TGET COCKY, KID.

THE NEW STAR WARS TRAILERDROPPED OVER THANKSGIVING

WEEKEND.

AND IT WAS ALL ANYONE IN MYFAMILY COULD TALK ABOUT.

WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, LEADTO MY AUNT RITA SAYING SOME

HORRIBLY RACIST THINGS ABOUT THE GUNGAN.

FOLKS, I, I AM THE ORIGINALFAN OF STAR WARS.

IN 1977, THIS IS A TRUESTORY, WHEN I WAS IN 8th

GRADE, I WON TWO TICKETSFROM A LOCAL RADIO STATION

TO SEE THIS NEW MOVIE STARWARS TWO WEEKS BEFORE IT

CAME OUT NATIONALLY.

NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS GOING TOBE, HASKEL FEUDENBERG'S MOM

DROVE DOES.

AND I LOVED IT IT ON THE WAYHOME THERES WITH A FULL

MOON.

I PRETENDED IT WAS THEDEATHSTAR IT BUT AT SCHOOL

ON MONDAY, I COULDN'TEXPLAIN HOW EVERYTHING WAS

DIFFERENT NOW BECAUSE NOBODYHAD SEEN IT. THEY THOUGHT

MY DARTH VADER IMPRESSIONWAS JUST ASTHMA.

THOUGH, THOUGH I WILL SAY, IDID GET OUT OF GYM FOR A

MONTH.

THEN THE MOVIE COMES OUT.

EVERYBODY IS SAYING IT ISTHE GREATEST THING EVER BUT

I SAW IT FIRST, I HAVE BEENA STAR WARS FAN TWO WEEKS

LONGER THAN ANY OF YOU.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: AND LET ME TELLYOU, FOLKS, THIS TRAILER HAS

GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT IN ASTAR WARS MOVIE.

WAKE SURFING E-WICK, R2-D2'SHEAD PLAYING SOCCER, EVEN A

BLACK STORMTROOPER.

SO FOR THE RECORD, JAWAS, IFHE STOPS YOU AND FRISKS YOU,

IT'S NOT RACIST.

ALSO, YOU ARE KIND OF ASKINGFOR IT IT THOSE HOODIES.

AND FOLKS, THAT'S NOT-- NO,NO, IT IS NOT THE JAWAS

FAULT.

THAT IS NOT EVEN THE BESTPART, FOLKS.

CHECK OUT THIS AWESOMELIGHTSABER.

IT'S A LIGHTSABER WITH TWOMINI LIGHTSABERS ON IT. IT'S

A MENAGE-A-SABRE.

SADLY, SADLY I THINK I HAVEA WOOKIEE IN THE AUDIENCE.

SADLY, THERE ARE SOME STUCKUP HALF WITTED SCRUFFY

LOOKING NERF HERDERS OUT THEREWHO AREN'T THRILLED WITH THE

NEW JEDI WEAPON.

THEY SAY IF THESE THINGS ARESUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOUR

HANDS LIKE SWORD HILTS ITWOULDN'T WORK BECAUSE THE

FIRST TIME YOU CROSSLIGHTSABERS AND IT SLID DOWN

TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BLADEYOUR OPPONENT'S LIGHTSABER

WOULD CHOP THROUGH THE SIDESABRES AND TAKE OFF YOUR HAND.

OR AS IT WAS STATED ONTWITTER, "HILT ON LIGHT SABER

STUPID AND IMPRACTICAL CHILDHOODRUINED, EVERYTHING RUINED."

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)RUINED.

WELL, I SAY IT'S THE PERFECTDESIGN, HERE IS HOW IT

WORKS.

I HAVE DONE MY ANALYSIS,OKAY.

PEOPLE THINK, PEOPLE THINKIT'S ACTUALLY THREE

DIFFERENT PLASMA STREAMS BUTIT'S ALL ONE.

THE LONG BEAM, THE LONG BEAMRIGHT HERE, OKAY, IT COMES

OUT AND THE TWO SMALLERBEAMS AT THE BOTTOM, OKAY,

THEY'RE STILL ATTACHED TO ITIT THEY DON'T START WHERE

THE LITTLE METAL HILT ENDS,OKAY.

THEY'RE ATTACHED TO THEOTHER BEAM INSIDE.

THE METAL HILTS ARE JUSTCASINGS AROUND THE LITTLE

BEAM TO PROTECT YOUR HAND.

EVEN IF SOMEONE SLICESTHROUGH THE METAL THEY'RE

GOING TO HIT THE BEAM RIGHTTHERE.

ANY PADAWAN KNOWS THAT.

NOW I KNOW-- THAT ISSCIENCE.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: NOW I KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU'RE SAYING BUT STEPHEN,IN THE TRAILER THE FIRST

LIGHT BEAM COMES OUT BEFORETHE OTHER TWO.

HOW COULD IT ALL BE ONEBEAM.

WELL, GREG, IT'S SIMPLE.

YOU JUST NEED THREE FOCUSINGCRYSTAL ACTIVATORS TO SPLIT

THE PLASMA INTOPERPENDICULAR BLADE ENERGY

CHANNELS.

CONFUSED?

WELL, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND INTWO WEEKS WHEN YOU CATCH UP

WITH WHERE I'M AT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I HAVE HAD IT.

AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER.

THE PROS ARE TAKING IT OVERON THIS ONE.