Matt Braunger - Cherubim

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 6,823

Matt Braunger may not have a lot of money in his bank account, but at least cherubs don't really exist. (3:05)

DON'T EXIST TO MAKE YOUR OWNLIFE FEEL BETTER, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NOT A LOT OF MONEYIN MY BANK ACCOUNT,

BUT AT LEAST THERE'SNO GODZILLA, RIGHT?

AT LEAST THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.THAT WOULD SUCK.

I'M LIKE THAT WITH CHERUBS.YOU KNOW, FLYING BABIES?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?CHERUBIM.

THAT'D BE HORRIBLE.(laughter)

THAT'D BE HOR--LIKE, I WAS A--I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE.

BELIEVE IT.(laughter)

AND, UM, I WAS, UH--(chuckles)

I WAS IN ITALY.BELIEVE THAT, TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AND WE'RE WALKING AROUNDTHIS CHURCH, RIGHT,

AND THERE'S ALL THESE PAINTINGSOF CHERUBS, YOU KNOW,

AND THEY'RE DOING NICE THINGSLIKE CARRYING GRAPES.

THERE'S TWO OF THEM.THEY HAVE A BLANKET, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S KIND OF CHUBBY NAKEDWOMAN JUST LAYING SIDEWAYS

LOOKING AT YOU, ALWAYS,WITH THE CHERUBS.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,

"WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IFCHERUBS WERE REAL?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I CANNOT IMAGINEA WORSE WORLD...(laughter)

THAN FLYING--IF BABIES COULD FLY.

BABIES ARE SOCIOPATHS,OKAY?

BABIES DON'T CARE.

YOU EVER CHANGEA BABY'S DIAPER?

IT WAITS FOR YOU TO OPEN ITTO PISS IN YOUR MOUTH AND FACE.

"HA, HA, HA, HA!"

BABY WOULD TAKE YOUR SANDWICHAND POOP ON YOUR HEAD,

FLYING AROUND.

LIKE, THEY WOULD FOLLOW YOUTO PEE ON YOU.

LIKE, "HEY-HEY!(laughs) HEY."

WHO'S KID IS THIS?!

(laughter)

DAMN IT!

I WAS ACTUALLY JUST IN--JUST IN ARKANSAS, WHICH--

FOR A FAMILY REUNION.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE,BEAUTIFUL STATE,

BUT THE LEVEL OF"I DON'T GIVE A...HOW I LOOK

WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE"THERE IS JUST--(smacks lips)

LIKE, IT'S JUST--LIKE,"I'M PROUD OF IT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTAN ULTRA-CAUTIOUS GUY.

"OH, I SHOULD SHAVE.I'M GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET"

OR WHATEVER.

WE WERE DRIVING ALONGTHIS HIGHWAY, RIGHT?

AND WE JUST SLOWED TO A CRAWLBECAUSE SOMEONE--

WELL, NOT SOMEONE--

A FARMER HAD PULLED HIS TRACTORINTO THE REGULAR CAR LANE.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

AND HE'S DRIVING LIKE FIVE MILESAN HOUR JUST GOING,

"I LOVE DRIVING PEOPLE CRAZY."(imitates tractor engine)

AND EVERYONE IN LINE IS TEARINGTHE SKIN OFF THEIR SKULLS

IN FRUSTRATION, LIKE, "GET OUTOF THE ROAD, FARMER! DAMN IT!"

YOU KNOW,AND THEY'RE GOING CRAZY,

AND THIS GUY COMES OUTOF HIS HOUSE

AND DECIDES TO MOW HIS LAWNIN NOTHING--NOTHING

BUT A HAT AND HIS UNDERWEAR,RIGHT?

AND I HAD, LIKE, THREE FEMALECOUSINS IN THE CAR.

NOT A HANDSOME MAN,BELLY, FLAPJACK ASS CHEEKS

JUST HANGING OUT,AND HIS UNDERWEAR--

I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING, LIKE,OH, LIKE, BOXERS,

LIKE--LIKE, THEY LOOKLIKE SHORTS.

LIKE, NO, BRIEFS, OKAY?SHREDDED AND FLYING IN THE WIND.

LIKE, YOU COULD SEE HIS BALLSAND JUST A HINT OF...

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PENIS.

AND I WAS, LIKE, "DISGUSTING,"BUT THEN HE MOWED

AND WENT RIGHT IN FRONT OFTHE SUNSET

AND IT CAUGHTALL THE GOLDEN HAIRS

AND THE SHINEOF THE TOBACCO JUICE

ON HIS MUSTACHE, AND IT WASBREATHTAKING, YOU GUYS.

IT WAS AMAZING.

AND I LOOKED AT IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

IF ANYTHING SHOULD BE ONTHE STATE LICENSE PLATE

FOR ARKANSAS,IT'S THAT.

JUST, "ARKANSAS...(imitates engine)

WE DON'T GIVEA CRAP ABOUT NOTHING."

(imitates engine)

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