"Tetris the Movie" - The Trilogy That We've Always Never Wanted

Tuesday, June 28, 2016 06/28/2016 Views: 198

After learning that "Tetris" will be spun out into a three-part movie series, Jade Catta-Preta, Paul Scheer and Jensen Karp write fitting taglines for the trilogy. (2:57)

You know,we've known for a while

that Tetris is being turnedinto a feature film.

Despite having no characters

or story of any kindthat you can tell. Uh...

Because as column thinas its premise may be

the only thingthat scares away Hollywood

is actually originality, so,

they feel like, "Ah, let's..let's make a Tetris movie.

-People have heard of Tetris." -(laughter)

Uh, but we just learnedthat Tetris...

I don't want to upset you.We've just learned

that Tetris will no longerbe a movie, you guys.

-(audience groaning)-Wait!

It's gonna be three(bleep) movies!

-Three Tetris movies.-(cheers and applause)

That's right.

Oh, the entire Tetris trilogythat we've always never wanted!

-(laughter)-Here it is. Surely we can

trust the same producers whobrought us such cinema classics

as Foodfight! You remember Foodfight!

-(laughter and groaning)-They also made Party Camp.

Party Camp was a good time.

That looks like a camp where

they're havingsome kind of a party.

And then, of course...then, of course, Ghoulies III:

Ghoulies Go to College. What?


-What?!-(cheers and applause)

To be fair, Chris, Ghoulies III really did

-sum up the trilogyperfectly. Yeah. -(laughter)

HARDWICK: Listen, nextto the Tetris trilogy,

this looks like Lawrence of Alab...

Alabia? Oh, Jesus Christ.

-(laughter)-I meant...

-Better movie. Better movie.-That's...

(applause and cheering)

That was a--pardon the expression--

-a slip of the tongue. Uh...-(laughter)

-I apologize. I...-Yes.

...absolutely am embarrassed.

I meantto say Lawrence of Arabia.

And you know what?I don't give a (bleep).

Jack, don't cut it out!Leave it in!

-Yeah!-Leave it in!

(applause and cheering)

So, uh,if you've ever wondered...

If you've ever wondered, how dothey come up with this stuff,

we've actually got some footage

from one of the Tetris moviecreative meetings.

-CATTA-PRETA: Wow.-Right here.

-Uh...-CATTA-PRETA: Wow.



No, don't, "Aw."He's a (bleep) asshole!


Look at him!Look at him!

You guys.Murdered this monkey.

And in a fit of rage,

destroyed everythingthe monkey was building.

-Okay.-Uh, comedians, movies in

these epic sagas always haveequally epic titles, like,

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

Or Human Centipede III (Final Sequence).

So, please, give me a sub...

-That really got made.So please... -CATTA-PRETA: Oh.

...give me a subtitlefor one of the films

in the upcoming Tetris trilogy.Jade, go.

Tetris: one dad's quest

to pack the perfect trunkbefore divorce.

-HARDWICK: All right. Perfect.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Paul Scheer.


You'll believe a brick isa better actor than Vin Diesel.

HARDWICK:All right.

(laughter, applause)

-Jensen Karp. -Tetris.

Build a giant wallbefore Trump does.

HARDWICK:All right, perfect.