Chris D'Elia - Deer Hunting

  • Season 15 , Ep 5
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 33,844

You don't know a man until you've watched him take the life of another living thing. (3:47)

YEAH-- UH, DON'T GO--THAT'S MY ADVICE, MAN.

IT'S NOT LIKE IN THE MOVIESWHEN YOU SEE A DUDE GET SHOT,

AND HE FLIES BACKIN SLOW MOTION,

AND IT'S ALL CINEMATICAND LIT WELL,

AND YOU'RELIKE, "YEAH!

"HE WAS THE BAD GUY--HE DESERVED THAT!" RIGHT?

THE DEER DIDN'TDESERVE ANYTHING, MAN.

IT DOESN'T DO ANY--IT'S JUST CHILLIN'.

THE DEER-- THIS ISWHAT THE DEER WAS DOIN'.

IT WAS CHILLIN'--JUST, LIKE, EATING A BERRY.

THAT'S WHAT A DEERDOES, RIGHT, JUST CHILL.

AND ALL OF THE--HOW COME WHEN DEER--

DEER JUST ABS--LIKE, INSTANTLY

LOOK AT NOTHING,FOR NO REASON?

THEY JUST--

[audience laughing]

- "OKAY, BACK TO THE BERRY,"AND IT WAS EATING.

MY BUDDY SHOT THIS DEER,AND THIS IS HOW IT FELL.

IT'S NOT CINEMATIC OR LIKEIT IS IN THE MOVIES AT ALL.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED--IT GOES LIKE THIS.

REMEMBER, ITWAS EATING A BERRY.

IT GOT SHOT--THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

[imitating gun shot]

[audience laughing]

IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOKLIKE IT WAS IN PAIN.

IT LOOKED LIKE IT WASWATCHING "GREY'S ANATOMY"

OR SOMETHINGLIKE THAT.

[audience laughing]

AND THE NOISE THAT COMESOUT OF THIS DEER'S MOUTH

IS HORRIFIC--IT'S THE WORST NOISE.

IT SOUNDS-- YOU KNOWWHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE?

A HUMAN BEING--IT'S AWFUL.

THIS IS THE NOISE THATCOMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

REMEMBER, IT WAS CHILLIN' OUT,EATING A BERRY, IT GOT SHOT.

THIS IS THE NOISE THATCOMES OUT OF ITS MOUTH.

[imitating gun shot]

"OH!"

[audience laughing]

LIKE WHAT--O-H, THAT'S A WORD.

YOU COULD SPELL THAT ANDLOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY.

IT HAS A MEANING.

AND THE DEER JUSTSTRAIGHT UP LOOKED AT US

AND SAID IT!

THAT'S WEIRD, MAN--HE JUST WENT, "OH!"

I THOUGHT HE WASGONNA BE LIKE,

"OH, WHY DID YOUGUYS SHOOT ME?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

SO-SO, THE DEER'SLOOKIN' AT US, JUST "OH!"

AND I'M JUST-- MY-- IDON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO,

AND MY BUDDY IS LIKE,"UH-OH-- WHAT DO WE DO?"

I WAS LIKE, "YOU TOOK ME--WHAT DO WE DO, MAN?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT--UH, FOLLOW ME-- LET'S GO."

AND HE'S--WE'RE RUNNING UP.

I'M FOLLOWINGMY BUDDY TO THE DEER,

AND WE GET THERE, ANDTHE DEER IS STILL, "OH!"

AND MY BUDDY IS JUST-- I-I'VEKNOWN THIS DUDE FOR YEARS,

BUT I'D NEVER SEEN--YOU DON'T KNOW A MAN

TILL HE TAKES THE LIFEOF ANOTHER LIVING THING, MAN.

HE'S BREATHING ALL HEAVY--HIS EYES ARE CRAZY.

HE'S JUST,"AH-AH-AH."

AND I LOOK AT HIM,AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT-WHAT DO--WHAT DO WE DO?"

AND HE LOOKS ATME, AND HE SAYS,

LIKE THIS,LIKE, "YOUR TURN."

[audience laughing]

BUT HE SAID ITCREEPY LIKE THAT.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOUWANT ME TO HAVE SEX WITH IT?

"LIKE, I DON'TUNDERSTAND."

[audience laughing]

LIKE, YOU NEVER SAY,"YOUR TURN," LIKE THAT.

LIKE, I'M PRETTYSURE YOU'RE IN A ROOM

FULL OF NAKED PEOPLEWHEN SOMEBODY--

WHEN YOU HEARA "YOUR TURN" LIKE THAT.

LIKE, THAT'S--

LIKE, YOU'D NEVER BE AT THE ATMIN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAYTIME

JUST "OH-OH-OH-OH-OH--"YOUR TURN!"

[audience laughing]

"FORGET IT-- I'M GOINGTO CITIBANK-- FORGET IT."

SO, I-I ASKED HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DOYOU MEAN, 'YOUR TURN?'

"WHAT IS THAT--WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

AND THIS ISWHAT HE SAYS TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOTTA PUTIT OUT OF ITS MISERY, BRO."

I WAS LIKE, "YO, DUDE--YOU PUT IT IN ITS MISERY.

[audience laughing]

"LIKE, I'M PRETTY SUREIT WASN'T MISERABLE AT ALL

"UNTIL YOU CAME ALONGAND SHOT IT IN THE NECK.

"LIKE, THAT TENDS TO PISSLIVING CREATURES OFF.

"AS A MATTER OF FACT,IT WAS EATING A BERRY.

"THAT'S ENJOYABLE, RIGHT?

THAT'S PROBABLYTHE DEER'S LUNCH.

THAT'S ALL ITEATS, RIGHT?

THAT'D BE LIKE, IF I WASAT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY,

AND THE WAITER CAME UPAND SHOT ME IN THE FACE

FOR NO REASON.

[audience laughing]

I'D JUST BE LIKE, "YEAH,I REALLY ENJOYED MY FOOD.

"I--[imitating gun shot]

"OH--CHECK, PLEASE!"

AND THE WAITER TURNSTO THE BUSBOY AND SAYS,

"YOUR TURN!"

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