John Mendoza - Stupid People

Season 1 , Ep 0127 02/24/92 Views: 4,311

If you want to meet stupid people, lock your keys in your car. (3:17)

IT'S OPEN 24 HOURS.

WHO THE HELL GOES TO THE GYMAT 3:00, 4:00 IN THE MORNING?

I CAN BARELY GET MY FAT ASSOUT OF BED TO TAKE A WHIZ

AT THAT HOUR.

I HATE THAT FEELING.

YOU GOT TO PEE,3:00, 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU DON'T WANTTO GET OUT OF BED

THEN YOU GET UP AT 7:00,YOU PEE TILL JEOPARDY COMES ON.

I SAW A THING IN THE STORETHE OTHER DAY:

"BUY A SET OF DUMBBELLS, GETA VIDEOTAPE ON HOW TO USE IT."

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF

"YOU DON'T KNOWHOW TO USE DUMBBELLS

WHAT'S THE ODDSYOU KNOW HOW TO USE A VCR?"

( laughter )

PEOPLE GET DRESSED UPTO WORK OUT.

I SEE THESE WOMEN,THEY HAVE THESE OUTFITS ON--

THE ONE WITH THE STRINGGOES UP THEIR BUTT.

IT'S LOOKS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

THEY'RE WORKING OUT, IT'SLIKE, "ONE, TWO, THREE, WHOA!"

I JUST WANT TO GET BEHIND THEMAND HELP THEM.

"OKAY, I GOT YOU, GO FOR IT."

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE ARE STUPID?

( sparse applause )

IT'S GOOD TO BE STUPID.

TAKES A LOT OF PRESSURE OFF YOU.

DO SOMETHING WRONG,"WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?"

"YEAH."

CALL THE OPERATOR UP, YOU ASKFOR SOMEONE'S PHONE NUMBER.

THEY GO,"HOW DO THEY SPELL THEIR NAME?"

YOU GO, "I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE THE ONEWITH THE CRUMMY JOB."

I CALL THE OPERATOR THE OTHERDAY TO GET A PHONE NUMBER.

SHE SAID, "MY COMPUTER IS DOWN."

I SAID,"DO YOU HAVE A PHONE BOOK?"

YOU WANT TO MEET STUPID PEOPLE,LOCK YOUR KEYS IN YOUR CAR.

PEOPLE WALK UP TO YOU

AND ASK YOU THE STUPIDEST THINGSON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

"SO HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

( laughter )

"I SNUCK OUT THE EXHAUST."

"YOU GOT ANOTHER SETOF KEYS ON YOU?"

( laughter )

"I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT."

MY BIGGEST IDOL IS MY UNCLELOUIE, HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC.

HE COULD FALL DOWNTHREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS

AND STILL LAND ON HIS FEET.

CATS WOULD LOOK AT HIM AND GO,"GOOD MOVE."

MY GIRLFRIEND WANTED TO GO TO APOETRY READING THE OTHER NIGHT.

I SAID,"HOW ABOUT IF WE JUST BREAK UP?"

( laughter )

I WAS WITH THIS GIRLTHE OTHER NIGHT.

SHE SAID, "FOREPLAYSHOULD TAKE 90 MINUTES."

I SAID, "90 MINUTES, DOESTHAT INCLUDE THE DRIVE OVER?"

( laughter )

WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

MY THANKSGIVING DINNERDIDN'T TAKE 90 MINUTES.

YOU BETTER HAVE A BUFFET BARON YOUR BUTT WHEN I GET THERE.

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