- Keith calls his feetmom and dad
because he hasn't seen themin years.
- Olivia got a DUIwith me in the car.
She tried to get out of itby showing the cop her tits,
and he upped the chargeto assaulting an officer.
- Uh, yeah, Keith was therefor my DUI arrest,
but no one will be therefor Keith's cardiac arrest.
- Yeah, oh, okay, I'm fat,
but I least I'm fat correctly.
Olivia's the only personwho ever had the cocaine go
straight to her thighs.
You goofy bitch, you look likeAmy Schumer exploded.
Keith is sucha disgusting sewer monster,
if he swallowed Drano,he'd just cure his sleep apnea.
- Olivia's sisterhas Down's Syndrome,
which means her parentshave two lumpy retards
that aren't gonna livepast 35.
- Last joke.
- Keith is so fatand pretentious,
if you say he's got a big ego,he says,
"Uh, it's pronounced Eggo."
- Olivia Grace was rapedby a black man,
and that's terrible,but on the plus side,
now all we owe himis those 40 acres.
- That's it, first fight,first round.
Keith, Olivia,make it loud.
[cheers and applause]
- Un[bleep] believable wayto start this battle tonight.
Amazing. Give both of thema round of applause.
[cheers and applause]
- Yes. That battle had bars.Whoo. Snickers bars.
- I don't know whether it wasthe eggman or the walrus
that won this one,but...
Which one to coo-cookachoose, Whitney?
- Um, well, first of all,Olivia, I've seen you before.
And I'm so impressed by you.You're 21 years old.
Is that true?- Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I feel likeI better rush this.
I know you have an abortionto get to.
You remind me a lot of me,like, at 21,
like, just crying insideinstead of outside.
- I'm so glad you noticed.- Yeah, shit's about to get real
in, like, five years, life'sgonna [bleep] you up real bad.
But, um,- Thank you so much.
I love your--you have a levityand I think like all comics,
you use humor to survivereally traumatizing things,
and I admire that about you,and I-I--
- Thank you.- Yeah, thank you, one person.
You're a warrior,and I think it takes joking
about things like this,sometimes,
is the most healing thingthat you can do.
And I admire you.You're a brilliant joke writer.
So sharp. I also lovewhat you do with silences.
You have this kind of, you know,chill vibe about you.
Maybe it's just 'causeyou're so traumatized
and full of sadness.- Probably.
- But it comes offin a really powerful way
that it makes me proudto be a woman,
so I like watching you work.- Thank you.
Keith, I was reading, Keith,that you're a bisexual,
which I assume meansyou need to buy sex.
- All right. Thank--thank youleast funny aunt on Facebook.
It's one of your jokesthat he used.
- No, I got it.No, I got it.
No. No, I'm a huge fanand I was gonna say
just like I admire Olivia'sability to receive those jokes,
your courage to saythose jokes,
that's almostjust as difficult,
so you have [bleep] balls.
I can't--I don't thinkanyone can see them.
But you have them.- He doesn't need them.
- And I admire that.I think both of you
are forcesto be reckoned with.
I am gonna votefor Olivia.
- Ken, what do you think?- This is a great first battle,
and Keith I'm a big fan ofbecause as an actor,
as a performer,I love your delivery.
It's just machine gun.
It's just how I likemy standup,
and I just love how pacedyou are and your delivery, like,
and both of you,I don't know,
you guys were reallygoing at it,
and I thoughtin the very beginning
it was pretty neck and neck,and watching Olivia,
I have a soft spot for youbecause last year,
watching you in the wheelchair,I--just to--I'm sorry.
I would not have donethe [bleep] competition
if I had lacerated my legand getting 35 stitches.
And the fact that you did itlast year,
where in my medical opinion,you probably shouldn't.
like, it's so [bleep] bossto me.
Like, I--and you're only 20.
I later found outyou're only 20.
And I just have so much respectfor you
just person to person.
What I love about you, Olivia,in particular,
you didn't go for justkind of the hacky fat joke.
You went--you did--you wentobstructive sleep apnea,
so as a doctor, that--I got it and I loved it.
You went off the cuffon the cardiac arrest,
at least to me it came offoff the cuff on the DUI.
By like a Chow pubic hair,maybe,
Olivia Grace wins just--but it's so close.
And I--it's so hardto even say it
because both of you got--you're thoroughbreds.
- Damn you, Hacky Chan!- I know, I deserve it.
- I love you both.Olivia Grace, congratulations.
- Olivia Grace wins!